Theresa held Lou's hand as the paramedics pulled the gurney. She was really worried – Lou hadn't said a word since Michael and Samantha left with Zach. She kept staring ahead, and Theresa wasn't sure she was even aware of her surroundings.

The EMT’s had taken Lou’s vital signs and information, and when they arrived, Lou’s gurney was wheeled into a cubicle. Theresa was given a clipboard and filled out several pages of information about her sister, handing it back to the nurse. The nurse glanced at it and remarked, "A Physician’s Assistant will be in to see you."

Theresa sat in the cubicle nervously for nearly an hour. Finally, noting that Lou was falling asleep on her gurney, she jerked the curtain back and caught the arm of a nurse. "When is somebody going to see my sister?" she demanded.

The nurse glanced at the gurney. "Miss, it’s a busy night. We’ve got gunshot wounds, heart attacks, you name it to deal with here. Your sister is Triage III, she can wait until someone is free to see her."

Frustrated, Theresa sat back down, chewing on her nails anxiously. It was nearly another hour before a young female physician’s assistant approached, glancing over Lou’s chart.

"Says here she’s 28 years old, recent violent loss of significant other, severe depressed mood, loss of appetite, insomnia for several days?" the P.A. asked briskly.

"Yes, that’s us."

The physician’s assistant nodded. She tapped Lou on the arm. "Can you sit up for me, Louise?"

Lou blinked, confused, and needed help to sit up. The P.A. checked Lou’s mouth and eyes with a penlight; listened to her breathing; and checked her pulse and blood pressure. "When’s the last time you ate something?" she asked.

Lou shrugged.

"She hasn’t had anything all day, and not much in the last several days," Theresa interjected.

"Louise, do you want help?" the P.A. asked, while checking Lou’s arms and legs for bruising or scars.

Lou nodded. "Yes," she said weakly. "I need help." She looked down dully, not making eye contact.

"The paperwork doesn’t say when your last menstrual period was."

Theresa hesitated. "I didn’t really know…"

Lou put a hand over her eyes. "Six weeks ago."

"Nurse," the P.A. called. "Start an IV with normal saline solution, she’s dehydrated. And get a blood draw and run a CHEM-7, urinalysis, and pregnancy test."

Lou sighed. "Forget the pregnancy test. "

Both Theresa and the doctor turned to her, surprised.

"I'm pregnant," Lou said hoarsely.

The P.A. looked at her a moment before she nodded. She told the nurse, "Run the pregnancy test anyway, just in case; and call Dr. Walters down here from Psych to see if she needs to be admitted." She smiled kindly at Louise, patting her arm, and left.

Theresa wanted to ask, wanted to know more about it, but Lou returned to her shell. Her eyes were closed now, tears falling from her closed lids.

A worker came to draw Lou’s blood, and another to start and hang an IV. After about a half hour, a tired-looking man approached and introduced himself. "Ms. McCloud? I’m Dr. Walters. I’m a psychiatrist, and I was asked to come down here and see you. I hear you’re having a rough time of it," he said, checking the chart.

Lou nodded slightly, tears still falling silently.

Dr. Walters asked a number of questions about Lou’s emotional state and history. Most of them were answered by Theresa, since Lou was barely able to pay attention.

Finally, the doctor looked Lou in the eyes carefully and asked, "Louise, have you had any thoughts about dying recently?"

Theresa held her breath; Lou looked down. "I don’t know. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself. It would hurt my son too much. And I want to live for my new baby. But… but at the same time, I wish I would just die… Zach would be better off with his father and his new wife," she whispered brokenly.

Theresa passed a hand over her eyes.

The doctor nodded. "Louise, if you want to stay for some help, we can admit you upstairs in our mental health unit until you’re feeling more stable. I think it’s a good idea. I’m going to admit you as a voluntary patient." He handed her some forms to fill out to request admission to the mental health unit, then patted her gently. "When you get upstairs we’ll talk again."

When Dr. Walters walked away and pulled the curtain again, Lou slumped down on the gurney dejectedly. Before Theresa could ask her any questions, two staff members came in and put up the side rails of the gurney. "She’s going up to the third floor, west," one of them said to the other.

They started pulling the gurney out of the cubicle and down the hall to the elevator, with Theresa fast on their heels. Soon they were up outside a locked unit; the men pushed the buzzer and were admitted to the unit. Lou was helped from the gurney and into a wheelchair, and wheeled down to a room. Theresa sat by her as the charge nurse looked over her chart. An aide came in and helped her change into pajamas and a robe without disturbing the IV line and pole, and directed her to take off her watch, earrings and engagement ring.

Lou started crying again at the mention of the ring. "Can’t I keep it on? It’s the last thing he ever got me," she wept piteously.

Theresa stroked Lou’s arm. "Lou, it’s the rules. Give it to me, I’ll make sure it stays safe." She took the ring and the other jewelry that Lou handed her.

Dr. Walters entered the room; a group of interns were gathered in the hallway. "Is she admitted, nurse?" The charge nurse nodded, "Yes, Doctor."

The doctor spoke to Louise. "Louise, this is a teaching hospital, and I’m rounding with these student doctors who are doing their psychiatric rotations. With your permission, they would like to be present when I assess you. But if you’d rather not, they can wait outside."

Lou shrugged. "They can stay," she muttered.

Dr. Walters nodded, and turned to the group of young doctors assembling in the room. "Louise entered the emergency room via ambulance and was admitted on a voluntary basis. She is a 28 year old single mother of one child. She is a law enforcement officer, and has had a recent trauma in witnessing the murder of her significant other. She is," he glanced at the chart, "by labs five weeks pregnant." Lou looked down, averting her eyes from the interested young doctors.

"By report of family member, she has had insomnia, loss of appetite, with loss of interest in daily activities, poor attention to hygiene, and reports of thoughts of death with no specific plan of suicide. No delusions or hallucinations reported," Dr. Walters continued. "Mental health history, unremarkable."

The student doctors nodded, jotting down notes. Dr. Walters rambled on. "Her blood work shows evidence of dehydration, but otherwise within normal range. No reported allergies. Dr. Peters, what do you recommend as treatment?"

Dr. Peters put his clipboard down. "Start her on a low dose of Wellbutrin. That’s considered safe in pregnancy. If she responds well, titrate up to therapeutic levels. Continue IV and repeat CHEM-7 in the morning. Dietary supplements and prenatal vitamins."

Dr. Walters nodded. "What else? Dr. Yee?"

"Group talk therapy; individual therapy and grief counseling. Monitor intake and output?" Dr. Yee suggested.

The lesson continued, with Lou drooping listlessly against her sister. Theresa sat dully by her sister, whishing her brother was there as well, but Jeremiah was stationed in Iraq, and she was unable to reach him since Jimmy died. They hadn't seen him in a year and they couldn't wait for him to come back home when his tour of duty was scheduled to end in a few months.

Finally, the interminable lesson ended, and Dr. Walters and the class filed out. A nurse came in and gave Lou her medications with a glass of water. "Breakfast will be at 8:00, but do you want an Ensure now? I hear you haven’t eaten today," the nurse offered, taking a can out of her cart. Lou looked at it listlessly. "You should think of your baby, Louise," the nurse said kindly. Lou nodded and the nurse smiled. "That’s a good girl." She poured the liquid into a cup and handed it to Louise, who choked it down. "Good job, Louise," the nurse said encouragingly. "An aide will be in to help you get washed up for bed in about an hour."

Theresa sat next to Louise’s bed until the nurse stuck her head in the room, indicating that visiting hours were nearly over. Theresa’s eyes rested on her sister again. It seemed that Lou had fallen asleep. Theresa's eyes filled with tears when she noticed Lou's hand was placed protectively over her abdomen.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Theresa cried, resting her head over Lou's.

She couldn't stop the sobs that shook her body. Until that moment she hadn’t allowed herself to cry, wanting to be strong for her sister. She cried for her sister, for Jimmy, for the baby who would never know his father.

Now, she looked at her sister, who still hadn't uttered a word, after sitting like that for almost an hour.

"Lou…" Theresa tried for the umpteenth time. She was surprised when her sister turned her face towards her. Her heart broke when she saw Lou's eyes clouded with tears.

"I can’t do it again, Theresa," Lou whispered suddenly.

Theresa was surprised to hear her sister's voice.

"I just can't have another child alone, without its father there… it was so hard the first time. I can’t do it, Tessie."

"You're not alone, Lou. I'm here for you."

Lou didn’t answer her, but sighed and turned toward the wall. The nurse came back and gestured to Theresa that it was time to go; and she got up. "I have to go now, Lou. I’ll come see you tomorrow, okay?" When Lou didn’t answer, Theresa walked slowly down the hall, praying her sister could get through this horrible time and be all right again.

Kidd came up in the elevator to the mental health unit, and walked toward the glass doorway. He pressed the buzzer and the nurse at the nurse's station opposite the door to the unit looked up and smiled, buzzing him in. It had been three days since Louise McCloud was admitted to the unit and that young man was one of the two people who visited her most frequently. Kidd signed the visitor's log, and smiled up at the kindly head nurse. "They're eating lunch now, Officer. You can go on down and visit with her while she eats."

"Thanks," Kidd nodded. He walked up the corridor and turned toward the small dining room where the patients were seated eating. He spotted Lou sitting by herself in a corner, her food untouched in front of her.

He cautiously approached her, watching her small form huddled in the chair. She was wearing pajamas and a robe, like many of the other patients on the unit. He pulled out a chair next to her and sat down, touching her arm gently. "Hi, Lou."

Lou didn't look up, but kept sitting, her arms resting on the table listlessly. Kidd was startled that she seemed even more lethargic than she had in her apartment before they brought her in. On his previous visits to her over the past couple of days she'd been asleep the whole time, but now she was awake, yet not fully so. A middle aged nurses' aide was cleaning the table nearby, and Kidd addressed her. "Why is she so sleepy?"

The aide shrugged. "Lots of them get like that when they're adjusting their meds," she said. "I'll feed her lunch when I finish this."

"I'll do it," Kidd offered. The aide looked pretty harried, and two patients were quarreling about something in the opposite corner. "Thanks, sir," the aide said, going over to mediate the dispute as best she could.

Kidd pulled his chair closer to Lou's, placing an arm around her and picking up her fork. Her head lolled over onto his shoulder weakly. "That's okay," he said gently. "You're just a little tired, I guess. But I should tell the doctor, you probably don't need much medication. You never could hold your liquor either if I remember right." He smiled down at her, and she looked up at him dully.

He fed her a forkful of lunch, and she obediently opened her mouth to take the food. He waited while she chewed and swallowed it slowly, then he picked up the fork again. Feeding her another bite, he remarked, "Remember what day it is?"

Lou didn't answer. He went on, "It's your birthday. You're 29 today."

Her face didn't register understanding. Biting his lip, Kidd placed the fork in her mouth again. "Remember the last time we celebrated your birthday together?"

He thought her eyes were focusing on him a little. Encouraged, he picked up her cup and held it to her mouth. She tried to drink a little and he set the cup down, taking up the fork again.

"I picked you up to take you up to Napa Valley, remember?"

He fed her slowly but steadily as he spoke, memories flooding over him. How different that birthday was, he thought sadly. You were so happy then. We both were.

"We went in a balloon," Lou whispered slowly.

"That's right. We took a hot air balloon ride," Kidd answered her. She is listening. That is a good sign… I should keep talking to her, he thought.

"We went all over wine country, remember? Remember what a beautiful day it was?"

She nodded slightly, and he hugged her shoulders gently to him.

"You had on a sundress. It was pink. And you had a pink scarf tied around your hair in case it was windy," he remembered aloud. "I'll always remember how beautiful you looked that day."

The memories, beautiful as they were, at the same time were starting to hurt a little now as he talked. Those days are lost forever now; I made a promise to Samantha. And Lou's grieving so deeply for Jimmy that she'll never be able to feel anything more than friendship for me again, even if I were free. He saw that Lou's eyes were fixed on him more intently now, and he forced himself to continue, to sound cheerful for her sake.

"There wasn't any wind, though. Not even a cloud in the sky. And then we took our wine and had a picnic in one of those beautiful vineyards. The smell of the grapes was all around us, remember? And you got drunk, on what, two glasses of red wine?"

He smiled down at her. She was looking even more tired, but tried to nod.

They were silent a moment as they both remembered; she'd been tipsy, they both had, and that and the romance of the setting had caused one thing to lead to another, there in the deserted vineyard with no one else in sight. They hadn't been able to wait to get back to the car and drive all the way home down the coast; he'd made love to her right there on their picnic blanket, with the sun beaming down on them overhead.

"Then I gave you my present," he continued, his voice shaking a little. He offered her another bite from her tray, but she turned her head away, resting her face against his neck tiredly. God, he thought, stroking her hair, and bending his cheek to rest on the top of her head. I can't… I can't do this. I can't see her like this, he thought wretchedly, his heart sore and aching with love and pity for her. I can't bear it.

"I gave you a gold charm bracelet, with my house key on it like a charm. I asked you to live with me, forever. You said yes. You kissed me… I never knew," he choked a little. "I never knew I could feel like I did right then. I never knew what true happiness was until you made me feel it that day. And every day after that when I woke up next to you," he blurted out passionately, before he realized.

She was asleep in his arms. Kidd sat holding her for a few moments, when the aide came around to pick up Lou's empty tray. "She's out for the duration, looks like. I'd better wake her up and take her back to her room," the aide started, moving toward Lou.

Kidd objected. "She's too tired, she should rest. Let me carry her back to her room."

The aide looked dubious. "We don't usually let male visitors go in female patients' rooms."

Looking at Kidd's pleading face, the aide relented. "Go ahead then. She's in 386. Just don't say I told you it was all right if anybody asks."

Kidd nodded, and carefully stood, slipping his arm under her legs and lifting her. She felt like a child in his arms, and he held her close to him as he walked her back to her room and laid her gently on her bed. She slept on soundly, and he sat in a chair next to her bed watching her. At least she isn't suffering when she's asleep, he consoled himself.

His eyes rested on a book of photographs next to her bed. Picking it up idly, he flipped through. The book had only a dozen pages; he saw many of Zach, one of Lou with her mom, Theresa and Jeremiah, which he recognized as a copy of a picture Lou's mother kept on her mantel. There were also a couple of pictures of Jimmy and Lou. But the last page… he saw that the last page was a picture of him with Lou, taken when they were on their first undercover job, when they finally stopped bickering and had become friends. He'd taken the code name Zachary then, and the job had gone on so long that she got in the habit of calling him that, and kept doing so accidentally for several weeks afterwards. It became a private joke between the two of them. He looked at the picture again, at the two friends they used to be. He had no idea she'd kept this file picture, and his heart skipped a beat when he realized she had placed it in this book with her other treasured photographs. Maybe that means she still cares…, he thought, before cutting himself off. No. She loved Jimmy. All I can hope for now is to at least rebuild our friendship, help her raise our son. I can't read anything into this, and even if it meant anything, it would be wrong to pursue it. She's sick with grief over Jimmy. I'm engaged to someone else now.

Kidd shut the book and set it back on her nightstand, standing and looking down at her peaceful face. He brushed the hair out of her eyes, and bent to kiss her face softly. He whispered "happy birthday", then straightened and walked out the door without looking back.

"Lou?" Celinda came to sit by Lou.

The younger woman looked at her and smiled meekly. "Hello, Celinda."

"I called you yesterday. I thought maybe we could have coffee together before I had to go back to Texas, and Theresa told me you were here," Celinda explained. "How are you feeling?"

Lou shrugged. "I'm not suicidal," she tried to joke.

Celinda frowned at that.

"I guess I was pretty messed up after the funeral. Michael and his girlfriend convinced Theresa I could be hazardous to myself, and I ended up here."

Celinda nodded. "It's not necessarily a bad thing, Lou. They can help you get over what happened."

Lou shook her head. "I'm not sure I'll ever get over it, Celinda. He was my best friend for so long. I keep hoping he would come or call so I could tell him what I'm going through, all that's happened…" Lou's voice broke.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Lou started again. "I'm sorry, Celinda. I didn't mean to upset you. I just don't know how to do it."

Celinda put a comforting hand on Lou's shoulder. "Take it one day at a time. You have your sister here, and Zach, and there are your friends. You'll go back to work soon, and you'll get into the routine, it will get easier."

"I don't think I'll get back to work soon," Lou mumbled. "At least not in the field."

"Why not?" Celinda asked, concerned.

"I'm going to have a baby," Lou blurted.

Celinda opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. She shook her head, trying to focus. "What? When? How long?"

Lou's eyes filled with tears. "Not for a long time, it’s early. Jimmy didn't even know. I only found out when they did a check up on me after I fainted when they brought him to the hospital."

Celinda hugged Lou, having trouble hiding her emotions. "Oh, Lou. Jimmy would've been so happy. He loved your son and having a child of his own with you would've been the best thing you could give him."

Lou nodded. "I'm happy about it," she said truthfully. "It means a part of him, a real part of him, will always be with me."

Celinda wiped the tears from her eyes and rose. "I have to go now, Lou. I'm sorry, I'd really like to continue our talk. Please call me when you get back home."

"I will," Lou promised.

Celinda kissed Lou's cheek. "I'll talk to you soon. You take care now. Of yourself and that baby."

"Hello, officer," the nurse smiled when she buzzed Kidd and Samantha in. Kidd signed the log. "She's at the visitor's area."

Kidd and Samantha made their way to the visitor's area, when Kidd stopped abruptly at the sound of Celinda’s voice.

"Oh, Lou. Jimmy would've been so happy. He loved your son and having a child of his own with you would've been the best thing you could give him."

Lou’s voice was answering, "I'm happy about it. It means a part of him, a real part of him, will always be with me."

Kidd looked as if someone had thrown a bucket of cold water over him; he turned quickly and faced the wall a moment.

Watching the display of emotions on Kidd's face as the conversation revealed Lou was expecting a baby, Samantha fought back the tears that formed. Kidd leaned against the wall, obviously composing himself with difficulty, after hearing the news.

He still loves her, Samantha thought morosely. She knew she wasn’t one to fight a battle that she could never truly win. She wasn’t one to take second place, be a consolation prize. It would only be a matter of time before Kidd started to resent her as the obstacle to having his first love back, the mother of his child. She had a lot of thinking to do. Really deep soul searching, but she realized she would probably cut her losses when push came to shove. But her heart was sore and heavy at the thought.

She straightened and followed Kidd as he sighed and went inside the visitor's area. Kidd pulled another chair for them to sit with Lou.

"Hello, Louise," Samantha forced a smile on her face. "How are you feeling?"

Lou plastered a smile on her face as well. "Had better days."

Samantha nodded, the smile disappearing from her face.

"How's Zach?" Lou asked. It was the first day that she felt somewhat better. She knew Michael came to visit daily, as well as her sister, but until now, she never asked about her son.

"He's a great kid," Samantha answered. "He's real smart."

"I miss him so much," Lou blurted.

"He misses you too, he asks about you all the time. He drew you a picture." Samantha pulled a folded paper from her purse. "He asked me to tell you that that's you, that’s him…" she explained, pointing at the picture, "and that's his Uncle Jimmy…"

Lou's eyes were clouded by tears and she nodded, not trusting her voice.

Samantha's cell phone rang and she answered it. "Excuse me," she apologized, before she stood and walked away.

Lou and Kidd sat in silence, Kidd averting his eyes from her.

"What is it, Michael?" Lou finally asked, exasperated. The last few days he'd visited her there, he was always talkative, but now…

"Why didn’t you tell me, Lou?" he asked sorrowfully.

She looked confused. "Tell you what?"

"About the baby. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I heard you just now."

"I wasn't trying to hide it, Michael," Lou explained, tiredly. "I just found out myself."

Kidd regretted prying and upsetting her, now of all times when she just needed comfort and support. He was confused by his envy and longing. He already realized he'd never be able to get over her, but the intensity of his emotions scared and depressed him. He was engaged to another woman. It was wrong of him to feel like that.

"Lou, I'm sorry," he said, putting a hand on her knee. Her eyes dropped. He gathered himself and continued, "I just want you to know I'm here for you. Whatever it is that you need. As your friend. I wasn't there to help you when you were pregnant with Zach, but I'll be here for you for this baby. I want to do it for you and for Jimmy."

Lou's eyes filled with tears and she put her hand on his. "Thank you, Michael. That means a lot to me."

Samantha, just coming back, stood staring as Kidd leaned forward and kissed Lou's cheek. She hid behind the wall, trying to regulate her breath, as she saw him standing and walking towards her.

Kidd and Samantha sat silently in their car as they drove to pick Zach up from daycare. Samantha stared out the window, lost in thought. I don’t even recognize my own life anymore. A month ago, I was working, climbing the ladder in the prosecutor’s office, in California. Happily engaged. Now, I’m driving from a visit to Michael’s ex-lover at the mental hospital, and now we’re going to pick up his son with her. She shook her head a little at the surrealism of it all. And like it or not, he’s in love with her. I can keep pretending, but it’s still the truth whether he admits it or not.

She turned and studied him. "Michael. Why did you and Lou break up?"

He looked at her, surprised. "I told you. She just left one day without a word. I didn’t even know she was pregnant at the time until-"

"I know what you told me, Michael. But even though I haven’t known Lou long, I doubt she would run out on you and keep a pregnancy secret from you, for absolutely no reason. Haven’t you asked her why, now that you’ve seen her again?"

His face went white and he stared forward.

"It was something that I did, or that she thought I did. She had a good reason."

"I see. And did you set her straight about whatever it was?" Samantha persisted.

Kidd nodded grimly.

"I can see whatever it is, you don’t intend to let me in on it." She looked out the window again a moment, then back at him. "That’s fine, I suppose. It’s all in the past now, right? You’re over it, she’s over it. Water under the bridge."

He didn’t answer, but his knuckles were gripping the steering wheel tightly.

She nodded. "Pull over, Michael."

"Zach’s waiting."

"I said pull over. The daycare is open until six, we have time," she said, evenly.

He pulled the car over and looked at her, almost defiantly.

She stared him down, eye to eye, then spoke. "How long you intend to lie to yourself is your business. But how long you lie to me is my business."

"What do you want me to say?" he demanded. "I’m with you now."

"I want you to tell me the truth, Michael. Do you think I don’t see how you look at her? The look on your face when you found out she’s carrying another man’s child? Do you take me for some kind of idiot?" she said, finally losing her temper.

"It doesn’t matter. She’s moved on, she loved him and is having his baby now."

Samantha shook her head again, disgusted. "Is that supposed to make me feel better? I should be fine with this because she doesn’t want you? I don’t care what she wants. She could want you till doomsday, it wouldn’t matter. What matters is what you want, whether you can have her or not."

"You’re being irrational, Samantha."

"That’s the one thing I’m not being. I still haven’t heard you deny that you’re still in love with her."

He struggled to speak, but the words caught in his throat.

Finally, the words came. "How did you know? I’ve tried so hard to do the right thing, not to betray you. How did you know it?"

Her face softened. "I knew it because I know you, Michael." She paused a second. "I started suspecting when we first came here and you saw her again. You… you started saying her name in your sleep." She looked down. "I convinced myself you just were dreaming, because you saw her again, that’s all. But then… I kept seeing how you look when she’s around. You’ve… you’ve never looked at me like that," she said, brokenly, before looking out the window again, tears blinding her.

Kidd was overcome with remorse. "Samantha, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I’m hurting you like this. It’s the last thing I wanted. You deserve so much better than this."

She looked back at him, smiling weakly through her tears. "You’re damn right I do. I deserve to be someone’s first choice, not second." She blinked her eyes. "Much as I love you, I can’t accept less than that. And I want you to be happy too, not settle for ‘good enough'."

He nodded, stroking her hair softly. "What will you do?" he asked gently.

"I’ll be okay. It’ll take a while, but I’ll be okay. I’ll go back to California. Either go back to the prosecutor’s office, or find a job in a firm. I’ll leave as soon as I can get packed and book a flight." As always, she was businesslike, logical about it, though her heart was breaking. But she knew she was right… there was no point in fighting a losing battle, ending up hating him.

"Let’s go get Zach. And let’s take him someplace he likes for hamburgers and ice cream, and have a fun night. Because tomorrow’s goodbye," she said sadly. She’d miss Michael’s little boy, who she’d gotten to care about quickly the time she’d helped out with him.

He nodded and pulled back into traffic. Samantha knew that she’d done the right thing. He hadn’t even tried to fight for her… and she knew for certain now that she had been right. He didn’t love her. She leaned against the window, knowing being right was truly cold comfort.