As close as brothers, that’s how people described us. To me though, I always felt closer than any brothers I had known. We were a strange pair, one that wanted to talk non-stop but couldn’t and one that could talk all he wanted but wouldn’t. We often knew what the other was about to say, without it needing to be said. That’s how I knew something was wrong long before he ever said anything. Suddenly he wouldn’t look at me, would walk away when I came too close; at meals he would try to make sure someone else was sitting next to me before he sat down. Whenever I tried to talk to him, he simply said, “I’m fine,” in a tone that hurt me and then would walk away. Occasionally he sounded dismissive, at other times his rich voice sounded more scared, and sometimes angry.

I had gone to town to pick up a few things before our run the next day. I was looking forward to it because it would give us a chance to be alone. We could really talk, like we used to, without worrying about someone overhearing. We had lived alone together for months; even at the mission no one was interested in us and we might as well have been alone. Living like we do now, always around people who care, we’ve had to change. I hoped that since it would be just the two of us for a few days he’d be able to open up to me again. As I rode into the yard I heard Lou in the barn. She sounded like she has a head full of steam and I shook my head wondering what Kid had done this time to rile her up. I didn’t want to interrupt but I needed to cool down my horse. I’d only intended to go as far as the tack wall to get a currycomb when I saw who it was Lou was yelling at.

Instinctively I had stepped forward, wanting to protect my friend. Even as I did so, I knew it was silly because Lou would never actually hurt him. The closer I got the clearer her words became.

“No, I’m not trading runs with you. This is crazy. I don’t know why you’re mad at him but get over it. You need to talk to him. Can’t you see how pushing him away like you’ve been doing is hurting him? Can’t you see that?” she said frustration oozing from every word like poison.

“I’m not mad at him. I just…I can’t take this run,” he responded.

The closer I got the better I could see his face. I expected to see frustration or anger on his face not sadness and worry and something else I couldn’t seem to put my finger on. I was so used to seeing the laughter behind his eyes that this desperate look had me wanting to rush to him. Instead I walked over slowly and interrupted their conversation.

*Look at me,* I said in my usual way by hitting my chest three times.

Buck looked over and fear ran across his face. Before I could say anything more to him he jumped onto his horse and rode out of the barn as fast as he could. I had never seen him ride bareback before, but the way his body seemed to naturally melt into the horse told me he had ridden like this many times. It struck me then, as it did sometimes, how little I really knew about Buck. I probably know him better than anyone else but there are still so many secrets he won’t share with me, things he won’t tell to anyone. I just wish I knew which of those caused him to ride off like that and how I could help him.

I ran after him wishing, not for the first time, that I still had my voice, so I could yell after him, that I could get his attention. As I watched him ride away towards the west I knew where he was going. I remounted my horse and followed slowly behind him. I wanted to give him enough space to calm down but not enough to be able to lower that blanket over his eyes and shut me out again. We needed to talk, about whatever this was. Now.

As I rode up to the creek I thought my heart would break. I saw him in the water trying to cleanse his spirit, at least that’s what he had told me it was called the only other time I had seen him do this. Over the years he has explained certain rituals to me, this was one that I have never fully understood. I knew that what he did now was not something he did lightly, simply because he was upset. He did this because he felt dirty. Something had happened to him to make him hurt himself in this way.

I sat down a few feet from the shore with my back to the water. I could still hear the sounds of the reeds hitting his skin. I tried to focus on the color of the sky; it was very blue, bluer than the flowers behind the bunk house but not as dark a blue as Lou’s dress. I wanted to give him the privacy and time he needed so I kept trying to think of anything other than what was occurring behind me. It must have worked because I never noticed that the sounds of reed on skin had stopped. He moved so silently that it wasn’t until I saw his shadow looming over me that I knew he was waiting for me. I turned and looked at him. I felt my breath catch as he stood before me; his copper skin was raw and in places bleeding as a result of his ritual.

*Talk to me,* I pleaded.

He knelt in front of me, his naked body still glistening from the water. There were little droplets running down his chest and pooling in the small space between us. I wanted to reach out to him, to wipe the water and blood from him. He put his head in his hands and began to whisper. I couldn’t understand him so I slowly reached over. I placed my hand on his cheek and attempted to lift his head but as soon as I touched him he recoiled and turned away. Desperation began to overtake me. I needed to understand him. I put my hand in his thick brown hair and pulled, forcing him to look at me. His eyes were so sad. It hurt me to look at him and yet I couldn’t not look at him. The tears were pouring down his cheeks and splashing onto his thigh. So lost in his own sorrow, I don’t think he even noticed. I released his head and brushed away a tear.

“Please,” he said in a choked voice as I touched his face to brush away another tear.

*Please what?* I asked, placing my hand, still moist from his tears and hair onto his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a voice so small I became even more worried; I wouldn’t have thought it possible for me to get more worried.

*For what?* Wanting to comfort him but not knowing how, or what was wrong was beginning to frustrate me.

Finally he looked up, his eyes meeting mine. My heart felt like it would break as our eyes met. We were frozen in that moment, even the wind and birds stopped. Then I saw it; hidden behind the shame and fear and hate, was love and hope. I smiled as it dawned on me. Everything that had happened in the past few weeks suddenly became clear. I reached out and took his warm shaking hands in mine. He looked down at our hands and laced our fingers then he looked back up at me; the beginning of a smile playing on his lips. The first I’d seen from him in what felt like years.

“How long?” he asked me.

*Probably forever,* I said as I pulled my hands from his. *I began to dream about you. I thought it was just because of how we lived, but then the dreams began to happen when I was awake.*

“It scares me.”

*Me too!* I said with a smile. *I love you.*

Relief washed over me as I was finally able to tell him the truth. Buck smiled a slow half smile and pushed a strand of hair behind his left ear and then leaned forward our lips almost touching and whispered onto my lips.

“I love you, Ike.”

I licked my lips and in the process licked his as well. Suddenly it was all too much for me. I leaned into his waiting embrace. As our lips touched for the first time, my hands moved to cradle his face, my fingers twining his hair around my fingers as his arms slid around me and pulled me close. I could feel his heart beating, the wetness of his chest seeping through my shirt.

Then panic and fear spread through me so suddenly I pulled back. The reality of what I had done permeated my brain just as surely as the blood and water on Buck’s chest was saturating my shirt.

“Talk to me,” Buck said, turning my own words against me.

*I’m sorry,* I began and then smiled and shook my head as it dawned on me that we’d already had this conversation. *I told myself for so long that I couldn’t touch you, I couldn’t let you know. I guess I scared myself.*

Buck didn’t say anything for the longest time. At first I thought he was having second thoughts, until I felt his hand on my arm. I looked up into his endless, soulful eyes and smiled at what I saw there.

“I’m looking forward to our run tomorrow,” he said with a smile.

Then without warning he leaned in and kissed me. Gently at first, his lips rubbed across mine, sending sparks down my spine, then quickly growing in desire and need. I felt my body responding to his touch and had to hold myself back from letting my hands discover if his body reacted the same way. His mouth opened over mine and I slid my tongue in his mouth. Our tongues began a dance so sensual it had me gasping for air. When we finally separated I reached over and took his shirt from the ground and held it out to him. He looked hurt and confused.

*We’ve been gone a long time. If we don’t get back soon we’ll have a lot of explaining to do when they all ride out here looking for us.*

His eyes widened suddenly at the thought of the others seeing us like this. He quickly got dressed and as the sun began to set over the water, we rode home, the fiery sky reflecting the passions we were feeling.