BECAUSE

by Nerak © 2006

He awoke with a start; pulse racing, heart pounding. He fought to bring his breathing under control as he glanced around the room. He relaxed a little more with each sleeping body his eyes passed. By the time he reached the last bed, his breathing was back to normal. No one else was awake; he wouldn’t have to explain what had caused him to awake so abruptly; he wouldn’t have to lie.
As he settled back into the bed, he thought back over the dream that had brought him out of his slumber…

They’d managed to earn some free time and convinced the sisters to let them go fishing. They still had some time before they had to be back, and they’d already caught enough fish to feed their entire dorm.
“I guess we should go back,” Buck said, as he finished cleaning the last fish.
*We could do that,” Ike agreed, *or we could go swimming.*
Buck shrugged to hide the tension the word caused him to feel. “I don’t really care for swimming,” he said, trying to push away the memories of the times the older boys had used ‘swimming’ as an excuse to torment him.
*That’s just because you’ve never been with me,* Ike said, with a grin. *Besides, it will give us a chance to wash the fish smell off.*
Buck reluctantly agreed, and the two strung their catch before removing their clothing. They quickly washed their shirts and hung them to dry in the sun. They stood on the river bank a few seconds before Ike turned to face Buck. He moved his hands to offer a challenge, but stopped when he saw the look of fear Buck was trying unsuccessfully to hide. Instead of asking Buck to race, Ike sat on the bank, reached up and took Buck’s hand to pull him down beside him. *What’s wrong?* he asked.
“I don’t like swimming,” Buck replied, doing his best to keep his voice steady and free of any emotion.
*Why?* asked Ike, letting his hand come to rest on Buck’s knee.
“I just don’t,” said Buck, moving to stand.
Ike pulled Buck back to the ground. *Why?* he repeated. *What happened?*
Buck shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to forget it; I…” he stopped speaking as Ike slipped into the water and placed his hands once more on Buck’s knees.
*Do you trust me?* he asked, once he was sure Buck wasn’t going to run.
Buck nodded slowly. “With my life,” he answered.
*Then get in with me,* said Ike. *I want to show you how much fun swimming can be.*
Buck started to pull away, but stopped when Ike tightened his grasp on Buck’s thigh and smiled.
Buck sighed and slowly slipped into the water and Ike’s welcoming embrace…

Buck quietly climbed out of his bed; he quickly slipped on his clothing and went to sit outside. He knew he shouldn’t be out this late, but that incident had happened a few days ago, and Buck still wasn’t sure what it meant. He’d allowed Ike to talk him into the water, but at first he’d refused to move away from the bank more than a few inches. He smiled to himself as he remembered…

The cool water felt good after the heat of the afternoon sun. Ike smiled and floated out to the middle of the river. When Buck didn’t follow, Ike’s smile disappeared. *You can’t do much staying over there,* he teased.
Buck shrugged. “Can’t drown staying over here either,” he replied softly.
*What?* Ike asked as he returned to Buck’s side. As he got closer, he noticed that Buck was once more looking frightened. He stopped and stood a few feet away – he was close enough to be able to hear what Buck said, but still far enough away so he couldn’t touch him.
*What did they do to you?* Ike asked, as it dawned on him that something had to have happened to make Buck this afraid of the water.
“I already told you I don’t want to talk about it,” Buck said, moving even closer to the bank.
*Please,* Ike signed, *Let me help you get past this.*
Buck shook his head, unable to speak as the sensation he’d felt when being held under the water by the older boys in the village overwhelmed him.
Ike noticed the fear in Buck’s eyes and moved slowly, as if approaching a wounded animal. He reached Buck’s side just as Buck turned toward the bank. *I won’t hurt you,* Ike said, resting a hand on Buck’s shoulder.
“I can’t,” whispered Buck. “I…” He stopped speaking as Ike turned him back to face him. *Look at me,* he said. *Just keep your eyes on my face.*
Buck took a deep breath to steady his nerves and nodded slightly.
Ike slid his hands down Buck’s arms and took Buck’s hands in his own. He slowly moved back toward the middle of the river. By the time they were in the center of the current, Buck was beginning to relax. It felt nice having the water rush past his tired muscles, and he felt safe being here with Ike.
Ike noticed the change and carefully let go of first one hand and then the other. *Lie back,* he suggested. *I’ll hold you while you float until you’re ready to be on your own. I promise I won’t let anything hurt you.*
It hadn’t taken long for Buck to realize it wasn’t the water that had been the problem. He wished they could stay longer, but knew they’d get in trouble if they were late.
“We need to go back,” he said as he headed back to shore.
Ike watched him move gracefully through the water. He’d been amazed at how quickly Buck had learned to swim once he got past his fear of being in the water.
As they dressed, Ike said, * I thought you couldn’t swim.*
Buck smiled, “I never said I couldn’t swim,” he pointed out. “I said I didn’t like swimming.”
*What made it change?* asked Ike.
“You did,” Buck replied.
*How?* asked Ike, pleased with this answer.
“You didn’t…” Buck paused, unsure how to explain. He’d felt so safe while Ike held him in the water. He’d felt a peace that he didn’t know was possible – the care and concern he’d felt had allowed him to risk trying again. He didn’t want to offend Ike, and he didn’t know how else to explain. He shrugged. “You didn’t rush me,” he finally said. “You made me feel safe, and let me decide when to try.”
Ike nodded. He was glad things had changed and that he’d been partly responsible. He would hate for his friend to go through life missing out on the simple pleasure being in the water could bring. He smiled as they quickly finished dressing. It hadn’t been the answer he’d been wanting, but it was still good…he’d made Buck feel safe – that was a start.
The two of them gathered their fish and headed back to the mission. Soon they were both busy helping to prepare their catch for the evening meal. Because they were surrounded by others, they didn’t get a chance to discuss the afternoon’s events any further.

Buck was brought back to the present when a hand came to rest gently on his shoulder. He looked up from the spot on the ground where he’d been staring. He was greeted by Sister Anne’s stern gaze. “You should be in bed,” she said.
Buck simply nodded. He knew it was against the rules to be out after lights out, but he’d needed to think and his mind worked better when his body was outside in the open. “I couldn’t sleep,” he said, trying to decide how much he could tell her without getting into trouble.
Sister Anne settled down next to him. “Any thing I can help you with?” she asked.
Buck shook his head. “I don’t think so,” he replied. “I just need to figure out how to tell someone how much they mean to me without offending them.”
The petite nun smiled. “Why would they be offended?”
Buck shrugged. “I just don’t want to cause trouble; I don’t think I could survive if…” he let the sentence drop, suddenly aware that he couldn’t continue or he’d tell her everything.
Sister Anne smiled as she stood. “Try writing it down and seeing what this special person thinks; ask for advice on how to handle the situation.”
Buck’s eyes lit up. “Is it alright if I go to the classroom and get some paper?” he asked. “I don’t want to forget what I want to say.”
“What’s that?” Sister Anne asked, as she nodded and started to walk across the empty yard to the classroom.
Buck followed her. “I would tell them that I don’t know how I’ve managed to live without them; that I’m only alive because of them and their love,” he said.
Sister Anne smiled. “That’s beautiful. I’m sure the lucky girl won’t be upset.”
Buck simply nodded once more; he knew that she’d never approve if she knew it was Ike he was thinking about – not one of the girls. Once they reached the classroom, Buck quickly gathered the writing supplies and made his way back to the porch of the boys’ dorm. He settled in and wrote out his devotion to Ike. As he finished, he offered up a prayer to the spirits that Ike would not reject him.
The next morning, Buck watched as Ike prepared to get dressed. When Ike went to put on his shoes, he discovered a piece of folded paper hidden in the toe of his boot. He carefully took it out and placed it in his pocket; he would wait to read it later when he was alone.
After breakfast, all the other boys went straight to class. Ike headed to the stables. He was allowed to tend the stock before reporting for his first class. He quickly took care of his chores and then took out his note. He realized immediately it was from Buck. His hands shook as he opened it; he was certain that the advances he’d made a few days earlier had caused Buck to hate him. There had definitely been a bit of tension between them since they’d gotten back from their swimming.
As he slowly started to read, the dread he’d been feeling left him and was gradually replaced by a joy he didn’t know existed. He read the note through a second time before carefully folding it back up and placing it in his pocket. He allowed himself the pleasure of pretending Buck was speaking to him as he replayed the words in his head…

I don’t know how I survived in this cold and empty world for all this time; I only know that I’m alive because you love me.
When I recall what I’ve been through, there’s some things that I wish I didn’t do; but now I do the things I do because you love me.
I believe in things unseen; I believe in the message of a dream, and I believe in what you are
because you love me.
With all my heart and all my soul, I’m loving you and never will let go and everyday I’ll let it show
because you love me.
And now that you’re in my life, I’m so glad I’m alive cause you showed me the way and I know now how good it can be because you love me.

Ike smiled as he headed to the classroom; he couldn’t wait until the next time they were alone...

 

The End

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