As You Like ItAs You Like Itby Ellie
** NOTE FROM AUTHOR: This A/U story reflects the attitudes of the 1850s-1860s toward its subject … NOT the opinions of the author! Inspired by Jimmy’s comment when he learned of Lou’s true identity in the Bad Blood episode (paraphrasing here) “I was getting worried about how you two kept looking at each other... Hell I even caught myself looking a few times… I’ll just say, Lou, you’re the best looking ‘boy’ I ever saw.” The story imagines that Lou’s identity was not revealed in Bad Blood, and she kept her disguise up for about a year.
Jimmy, Noah, Ike, Cody and Buck were hard at work fixing the corral fence, again, after Powderkeg had knocked it over in one of his patented rages, again. “What happened to Kid and Lou?” asked Cody. “Seems like we could use a couple extra pairs of hands on this one. Why are those two always sneakin’ off somewhere anyway?”
“Got me,” muttered Jimmy. In the year since the Express had started, he’d come to respect Lou and Kid, but it was in spite of a strange closeness the two riders seemed to share that he had to admit made him … uncomfortable. Especially since Lou, the “runt of the litter” as Cody called him, was more than a little different from the rest of them. There was … something about that little fella that really bothered him. He was too soft, too delicate, too … something. Jimmy shook his head, trying to rid himself of the disconcerting image of Lou’s soft eyes and smile, and continued to hold up one end of the fence with Cody, while Noah hammered it in place.
Once the last nail was driven, Noah flung down his hammer, saying, “I saw them heading into the barn a couple minutes ago… said something about cleaning tack. C’mon Jimmy, let’s hurry them up. We can saddle Powderkeg and try to wrestle him back out here too, while we’re at it.”
Jimmy and Noah swung open the door to the barn, and were astonished at what met their eyes. In the far corner of the barn, Kid was leaned up against a stack of haybales, eyes shut and head leaned back, biting his lip, his hands entwined in Lou’s close-cropped hair. Lou’s shirt hung askew off one of his slender shoulders; he was kneeling … and … and …
Shocked, Jimmy and Noah backed hastily out of the barn, nearly knocking each other over in their haste to get the heck out of there.
Outside, Noah sputtered, “If that’s what they mean by ‘cleaning tack,’ then remind me not to go next time they suggest it.”
A speechless Jimmy, for some reason, was completely enraged as well as repulsed. Shamed, he remembered some of the times that he’d noticed Lou’s walk or shape and caught himself … appreciating them. But this, he thought indignantly. This was something else… he’d been right all along that there was something really wrong about that little … he didn’t know what. And the fact that Kid would go along with it floored him… he couldn’t believe it. All he knew was those two were going to have to go. I don’t intend to have to live in the same bunk with that, that was for damn sure, he thought furiously, trying to erase the picture of little Lou, and what he was doing to Kid, from his mind. But… some tiny part of him didn’t want to stop thinking about it, and that made him even angrier.
Back at the corral, Cody called out as Jimmy and Noah approached, “Well? Where are they? And where’s Powderkeg? The fence is finished, we’re ready for him.”
“Hang Powderkeg and the dang fence. We gotta talk about those two in there,” Jimmy spat out, jerking his head toward the barn. “Far as I’m concerned, they’ve gotta get out of here.”
Noah looked curiously at Jimmy. “Look, Jimmy,” he said quietly. “I don’t hold with what I saw in there myself, but as far as I can see Lou and Kid ain’t hurting anybody else and there’s no call for gossiping or getting anybody in trouble. Leave it be.”
“That’s your opinion, Noah. Personally, I don’t want to live in the bunkhouse with those two after this. I’m going to tell them to get out or I tell Teaspoon and he’ll fire them, it’s up to them.”
*Hold on* signed Ike, furiously. *What is going on? What are you going to tell Teaspoon about?*
“Yeah, out with it, Jimmy.” Cody asked, suspiciously. “What just happened?”
Noah scowled. “Nothing that’s any of our business-”
“Why don’t we let them decide for themselves, Noah? I think they have a right to know what we’re bunking down with and have a say about it.” Jimmy turned to the other riders and started, “Noah and I just walked in on Lou and Kid in the barn and -”
Up at the house, Rachel was bringing a load of damp laundry to the line. The wind was carrying the boys’ words away from her, but they were having a mighty interesting conversation from the looks of them. She smiled at their young faces, contorting with surprise and disgust at some story Jimmy was telling them. Those boys, she thought fondly. Wonder what trouble they’re stirring up now.
Cody wailed, “Hickok… that’s… that’s disgusting! You mean they were … were… Right in the barn while we were out here working fifty feet away?!”
Jimmy said grimly, “Noah and I saw it with our own eyes.”
Noah nodded. “But I still say there’s no call to bring Teaspoon into this. One of us should just talk to Kid and Lou, and tell them to be more… discreet about it. That should take care of any problem, if we don’t have to worry about walking in on anything again, right, Hickok?”
“You don’t get it, do you Noah? I don’t want them around at all. I want them and their sickness out of my sight, and I plan on telling them so, as soon as they finish their dirty business and get out here.”
Cody looked uncertain. “I heard tell of this kind of thing… men who are in prison and all, and get desperate and turn to other men. But that isn’t what’s happening here… there’s lots of girls around if Kid and Lou were interested. Ain’t never seen either of them take an interest in any girl, though, in the year we‘ve been here. Maybe Jimmy is right… they need to get jobs someplace else. I don’t want to get anybody in trouble either, but they obviously can’t control themselves, doing something like that right in the barn where anybody could walk in.”
Buck and Ike looked downcast. “What do you two say?” Jimmy demanded.
Shaking his head, Noah pointed out, “Those two have both had our backs … all of us… lots of times when the chips were down. I say keep whatever’s between them, between them, and we stay out of it.”
Jimmy scowled, and muttered, “I think I’ll watch my own back from now on, thanks.”
Ike and Buck looked even more uncomfortable. Buck spoke slowly, “I know they’re our friends, Noah. But I have to admit I’m not sure it’s a good idea to have them living in the bunkhouse if they’re… doing that. I think we ought to talk to them and try to figure out what to do.”
Ike signed, *I feel bad about it, but I was taught that just isn’t right. I think we have to tell them to stop or leave.*
“Okay, it’s settled then,” snapped Jimmy. The others looked at each other, uneasily. They weren’t so sure.
Kid and Lou had been too distracted to notice anyone had been in the barn at all. Normally, they wouldn’t have been so careless as to risk being walked in on. But Lou had just gotten back from a run, one of several the two of them had right after another; as a result, Kid hadn’t seen his new wife of only two months, for a whole week. Desperate to be alone with her, he’d pleaded with her to come inside the barn “just for a minute”.
“Kid, I know how you feel, but can’t you wait until tonight? We can sneak back out to the barn later and take our time,” she had wheedled.
He’d pouted a little, “we can still do that later, can’t we? I’ve missed you … I don’t want to wait until tonight,” he begged softly, pulling gently at her collar and toward the wall farthest from the door.
She pushed his hands away. “Never mind that, cowboy. There are too many people around.”
His pout deepened, reminding her of an adorable toddler about to sulk in the corner. “There’s always someone around,” he complained, a little petulantly.
Lou felt a little bad for Kid. It was hard on both of them to pretend there was only friendship between them all the time, and oddly it had only gotten worse since they married suddenly while out on a special run to Fort Laramie for Teaspoon … and started doing what married folks do, at least when they could figure out a way to do so undetected. It was frustrating for them both to live as a married couple among the other boys, and never be able to let their guard down, show their true feelings, for even a minute.
Relenting, and glancing around at the door, she murmured teasingly, “All right, you big baby. I’ll just … take care of you quick now, and then you take care of me … slow … later, fair enough?” As she spoke, she started quickly on his buttons and guided him the rest of the way to the back of the barn. As she dropped to her knees, he gasped, first at her unusual daring, and then at her touch. Within a few moments, he was so “distracted” he wouldn’t have known if a brass band had marched through the barn, and he certainly didn’t notice Noah and Jimmy’s brief appearance at the barn door.
As the couple regrouped after their brief but passionate interlude, Kid playfully pulled her up by her waist toward him for a grateful kiss. “You’re the best little wife a man ever had, you know that?” he whispered softly. “Almost makes up for having to sneak around all the time, and not being able to show you off to the world. Or hold you at night,” he added wistfully.
“You hold me plenty, mister,” Lou protested, refastening his belt. Then she softened again, and lingeringly kissed him as she tucked in his shirt. Sighing, she agreed, “I know what you mean; but once we have enough money saved to get my brother and sister from the orphanage, we can have all of those things.”
“And a houseful of our own little ones?” he asked, half playfully, half seriously.
“I hope so, when the time’s right. But like I told you when you proposed, we have to keep this charade up until then.”
Kid leaned in for another kiss, but she dodged him. “No you don’t! Let’s not start something we can’t finish. We’ve got to get back to work. The others are going to start wondering where we are.”
Emerging from the barn, the pair noticed that the other riders were gathered a ways off, toward the corral. Starting over, toward the group, Kid was intercepted by Teaspoon and Dr. Johnson a few feet from where the other riders stood.
“Kid, I need you to take a quick run out to Poplar Bluff for me. Pick up some medicine from Dr. West. Widow Bryant is in a bad way and needs it today if possible. If you start out now, you can be back tonight,” Teaspoon advised.
Kid nodded, and ran back to the barn, thundering past on Katy a moment later. Teaspoon and Dr. Johnson headed back up to the station house.
Noah said, low, to Hickok, “I guess your problem will have to wait until tonight, Jimmy.”
Jimmy scowled darkly. “I ain’t the one with a problem. And I aim to talk to Lou anyway, whether Kid is there or not.”
Meanwhile, Lou wandered aimlessly up to the other boys. “What’s going on? Finished the fence? Should we try to get Powderkeg out of the barn and back in the corral?”
“We can deal with him later, Lou. We got some other business to attend to first,” Jimmy said evenly. “Get in the bunkhouse.”
Lou looked surprised at his cold tone and manner. “What for? Can’t we talk about whatever it is here?”
“Just go on in, Lou. This ain’t something we can talk about out here,” Buck said kindly to the smaller “boy”.
Bewildered, Lou turned and trotted to the bunkhouse, behind the others, wondering, what in the world is this about?
Ike closed the door behind them. Lou looked a little frightened at their evasive faces. None of them would look directly at her, except Jimmy, whose eyes bored into her with unveiled hostility.
“What is it, Jimmy? You seem mad at me about something,” she faltered.
“I ain’t mad, Lou. I just thought you should know that the boys and I know about you.”
Lou blinked, shocked. They know I’m a girl? she thought, “But … how did you find out?” she whispered, hoarsely. “When-”
“Just now. Saw you and Kid going at it in the barn. I think I speak for most of us when I say we can’t have you living in the bunkhouse, now that we know what you really are,” Jimmy said brusquely.
“Jimmy, everybody,” she started, choking back tears. “I’m surprised that you feel that way about it… I thought you‘d understand if you ever found out.”
Jimmy cut her off. “Well, you were wrong about that one,” he snapped. Why would Lou say that , Jimmy thought furiously. Dang it … why did this little boy have such a strange effect on him? He’d never been interested in anything but women before this… and if Lou didn’t stop looking at him like that, he would … would … he turned away, disgusted with himself and Lou.
The other riders were standing around, regarding her with an odd mixture of pity and … could it be disgust? She couldn’t believe that these were the boys she’d thought were her friends.
Lou swallowed her tears, thinking that this wasn’t going to help her cause if she cried “like a girl.” She started again, appealing with her eyes to each of them in turn, “But can’t you reconsider? I’ve done my job. I haven’t been a problem in any way. I don’t see what difference it makes that I -”
Cody spoke more quietly than Jimmy. “We know that, Lou. But can you see how the rest of us might feel about it? Having you around in the bunkhouse, now that we know? Maybe you could transfer to another station?”
She looked down, her lip trembling. “Kid and I couldn’t both transfer, and I couldn’t leave him -”
Jimmy interrupted her abruptly. “We don’t want to hear about that, Lou. All I know is the two of you can leave as soon as you can pack your things as far as I’m concerned.”
There was that look again, especially on Jimmy’s face, at her mention of Kid’s name. These men who she thought she knew, thought of as her brothers, now seemed revolted by her very existence, somehow… she couldn’t understand it.
Noah cut in. “Now, Jimmy, you’re getting ahead of yourself. It isn’t your decision who stays and who goes. Lou, we’re still your friends, and Kid’s. Maybe there’s a way to work things, so everybody is okay with the situation and you both don’t have to leave?”
“What are you all talking about?” Lou asked slowly, not comprehending. “And why would Kid have to leave too?”
“Because you’re both a couple of - - because you both prefer the company of men, that’s why!” Jimmy shouted, practically in her face. “Are you an idiot on top of everything else?”
“That’s enough, Jimmy,” several of them spoke up, finally, in defense of the smaller boy. Cody, who could never bear to see anyone weaker or smaller be bullied, added, “Leave him alone, no need to pick on a fella half your size who can’t fight back.”
“But… but I thought you knew-” Lou said, before she paused. The light finally dawned on her. They hadn’t figured it out at all; they’d jumped to a totally wrong conclusion! She hastily plunged ahead. “ - - that I’m a girl,” she finished, lamely.
The other riders looked at her dumbstruck for a moment, before Ike, Buck and Noah grinned. “Well, that explains a lot,” said Noah. “Always thought you were too pretty to be a boy.”
Ike and Buck looked relieved. “That takes care of that problem,” said Buck. Ike signed, *And we will keep your secret.* But Cody and Jimmy seemed unconvinced.
Cody shook his head. “I’m not so sure, Lou. You’d say anything to keep your job. I think we’ll need some proof of this.” He straightened his coat. “I’d be pleased to be the one to, ahem, examine the evidence,” he grinned as he advanced toward her.
She slapped him smartly across the cheek. “Keep your hands off, Cody,” she warned. Ike, Noah and Buck grinned widely at Lou’s spunk. Rubbing his face, Cody relented. “Okay, I’ll take your word for it, then.”
“Well, I won’t,” said Jimmy rudely. All of them turned toward Jimmy, astonished.
“Listen, Jimmy, If Lou says he’s a girl, then we should take his word,” Buck said, heedless of his pronouns. The others nodded in agreement.
Jimmy couldn’t understand completely why it was so important to him to be sure. But the feelings this … person … stirred up in him were too confusing … he needed to know the truth about Lou, once and for all.
Lou looked nervously back at Jimmy. “When Kid gets back, he’ll tell you - -” she said hesitantly.
“I ain’t taking his word either. You show me some proof, or I’m going to Teaspoon,” said Jimmy. “Now.”
The others protested. “That’s enough, Jimmy. You’re outvoted. She is a girl and we’re keeping her secret. Let it go,” Noah warned.
“Jimmy, I ain’t giving you any proof, damn it! You’ll have to take my word for it, and Kid’s when he gets back, that’s all,” Lou said, crossing her arms in front of her chest in her customary gesture.
“If that’s how you want it, Lou. We’ll see what Teaspoon says about it.” Jimmy started toward the door. Lou leapt in front of him, desperately. “Please, don’t, Jimmy. I need this job. Please don’t turn me in.”
Jimmy was convinced now. Lou was a boy and he was bluffing. Jimmy was sick inside over it. He needed to call his bluff, push the boy to admit it; and then he’d have to leave, or Jimmy would. He couldn’t be around this strange creature, not another day. “You’re lying,” he said evenly, starting to push Lou aside and pull on the door.
“I hate you, Jimmy,” Lou hissed, as she shoved the door shut with her back, and in the same movement rapidly unbuttoned her shirt with one hand, pulling with the other hand at a length of fabric wound around her chest underneath. The wide strip of pink cloth fluttered to the floor, and, blocked from the other riders’ view by Jimmy’s body, she opened her shirt, exposing herself to him with her own head averted. A gold wedding band on a long chain hung down between her now unbound breasts. Jimmy, staring, went red with relief at seeing the proof he’d demanded from her, and guilt from having demanded it in the first place.
Lou turned to face the door as she buttoned up her shirt again. Her binding had slipped unheeded to the floor. Turning back toward them without it, even with her shirt buttoned, the other riders could see easily, that this was no boy. She was nervously fingering a gold band hung on a long chain, pressing it as if for comfort against her lips. Looking at her as if for the first time, they wondered silently how any of them had been so blind as to have thought she was a boy for even a minute. Now, they all pitied her in her obvious distress and embarrassment.
Lou, meanwhile, was quivering with humiliation and fury. Jimmy reached out to touch her arm. “Lou, I’m sorry,” he said, shamefaced. He tried to continue, to explain, somehow, why he had acted so crazily. But now she cut him off, swatting his hand away.
“Oh, you’ll be sorry, all right, when my husband gets back here and finds out what you made me do. The Kid’ll beat the tar out of you for this, Jimmy Hickok,” she stormed, shoving past him and hurtling herself up onto her bunk, face down, weeping with rage.
“Your husband?” Cody and Noah both blurted. “Kid’s your husband?” Jimmy asked.
Her tear streaked face appeared above her pillow. “Of course he is. And when I tell him about this, you’re going to have to answer to him,” she threatened, red-faced and hiccupping with repressed tears and impotent fury.
As if on cue, the door flew open, hitting Jimmy, still standing near it, in the back. Kid strode in. All the others looked uneasily at each other. Now we’re in for it, more than one of them thought.
Kid tossed a small package on the table. “I met the doctor from Poplar Bluff on his way here. He gave me this for the Widow, so I didn’t have to ride more than three miles.”
He looked around curiously. “What’s everybody doing inside? Thought you were breaking Powderkeg today.” He spotted Lou huddled on her bunk. “Lou, what’s the matter?” he said, concerned. He went to her bunk. “Are you sick or something?”
Lou raised her tear smudged face. “You’ve been crying?” Kid whispered, mindful of the others. “What is it?”
“The boys … found out I’m a girl,” she wailed, before dropping her head down and bursting into tears again.
“Well, that’s no reason to cry, honey,” Kid soothed her, patting her jumbled hair affectionately. “How did they find out?”
The others froze, waiting. There was a long pause. “Jimmy and Noah saw us in the barn earlier,” Lou said slowly, covering for them. It’ll only cause a fight if I tell him the rest, and then Teaspoon may find out, and I could lose my job then,, she reasoned to herself, despite her lingering indignation at the treatment she’d received from Jimmy in particular.
“Oh…” Kid paused, realization breaking in and his face reddening in embarrassment. “They did?” Kid looked around sheepishly. Poor Lou, he thought. What a way for her to get found out, no wonder she’s been crying, he thought pityingly.
“No reason to be embarrassed, Kid,” Noah quickly said. “From what little I saw, you’re a mighty lucky man, with a fine girl for a wife.” The others nodded in agreement.
Kid looked down, grinning a little foolishly. “No argument there,” he said, looking fondly at his wife, still lying on her bunk with her face buried in her pillow. It sure is nice not to have to hide how I feel about her in front of the boys for the first time in a year, he thought. Complacently, he reflected silently, though if I do say so myself, nobody could have told anything was happening between us. We did a pretty good job hiding it, I guess up till now that is.
He cleared his throat, asking hesitantly, “So, what’s all this mean… do you still have a job? Fellas, she’s done a man’s job here. Will you turn her in or let her keep doing it?”
“They’re going to keep my secret, right boys?” Lou said, looking up ominously at them. Hastily, they all agreed, as Kid smiled again at his wife, while wiping the last tears from her face. He couldn’t be more pleased that in the bunkhouse, at least, the secrets were now out in the open.
The next day, Lou approached Jimmy as he chopped wood furiously at the woodpile. “Jimmy?” she started. He looked down at her, shamefaced. They stood there, awkwardly, for several moments before Jimmy started to speak.
“I’m sorry, Lou, about how I acted. I can’t really explain it, except…” he stopped, embarrassed. “Except that you made me feel things I didn’t understand. Kept catching myself looking at you, and simple truth is, I was ashamed. And, when I saw you with Kid in the barn, well, I couldn’t ignore it anymore, much as I wanted to.” He looked down. “I needed to be sure, so I wouldn’t doubt myself, does that make sense?”
She nodded. “I … I think so… but you understand I love the Kid, and we’re married, so …” she trailed off.
“I know, and I’m happy for you both. Now that we all know the ‘real you’, it’ll be nice getting to know you, Louise.”
“You already know me, Jimmy. Nothing’s changed… I’m the same person I was before,” she said softly. “I always was a girl.”
Jimmy nodded, looking down at her intently. He realized finally that part of him had always known it too. He couldn’t figure, looking at her now with her shining, beautiful eyes, how any part of him could have failed to know it all along.
Impulsively, she stood on tiptoe to kiss him on the cheek, a sign that he was forgiven. He resisted a wild, unbidden urge to pull her to him. Instead, he simply watched her turn and walk away, with that feminine walk of hers that had seemed so odd before he knew she was a woman.
This time I intend to enjoy the view, though, he thought, as he let out a loud whistle after her retreating form before attacking the woodpile once again.
The End