Chapter 45

When Jimmy found Rachel in the house and heard how her conversation with Lou had gone, he pushed his plate of food aside and made a hasty retreat to the barn. He mumbled something or other about getting his and Teaspoon's horses ready to ride but all he'd really wanted to do was escape the reality of what he'd done.

How could he have come back here and asked Kid, a newly married man, to just ride out and risk his entire future over friendship? Nothing was more important in Kid's life than that petite woman locked in the room upstairs and Jimmy knew it but he'd still gambled on their futures in his selfish attempt to restore the friendship he valued more than anything.

He should have known something like this would happen. A man not even married two months shouldn't be riding out into danger that soon. And it didn't matter how many times he had done it in the past – it was like something he’d overheard Teaspoon say: when you got someone dependin' on ya, well, ridin' out after the bad guys takes on a whole new meaning. It should be him lying out there possibly fighting for his life, not the Kid.

Jimmy tightened the cinch on the saddle with an extra tug then leaving his horse in its stall, he walked out of the barn. He headed toward the barrel that sat next to the corral. He'd wait for Teaspoon but he couldn't do it in the house. That was just too near to Lou and Jimmy felt guilty enough being even this close, he couldn't risk possibly hearing crying or even screaming.

He was about to face both when in the next instant he heard the front door of the house open and looking up, he witnessed Lou stumble out the door. He watched silently as she leaned against the door but he was running, calling out her name the next moment as he saw her drop to the porch. His feet couldn't get him up those stairs fast enough.

"Lou!" Jimmy cried as he dove onto the floor next to her. "What's the matter? Are you alright? Is it the baby?" he asked as an afterthought upon seeing where her hands lay. He put one hand on her shoulder and hesitated, wondering if he should touch her anywhere else if she was in pain.

"This can't be all I have left of the Kid," she sobbed, turning tear-filled eyes toward her friend.

"What can't be? Lou, you're not making any sense," Jimmy told her.

"The baby." The words came out muffled as she started crying hysterically. Her hands were over her mouth as she spoke, distorting the words. She tried to say them again but the only sound that came out of her mouth was a sob.

Jimmy didn't need her to repeat the words – he had heard them without a problem. He closed his eyes for a moment as her meaning became perfectly clear to him. He may have ruined this family by coming back here. Why did it seem like everyone who came in contact with him got hurt in one way or another? He glanced at the woman next to him; he would do anything in his power to keep pain away from her but he had failed. Her life was falling apart and she obviously wasn't able to handle it without some help. He wished with all his heart that he wasn't the one here to offer assistance, that events had been turned around, but he was here, not her husband, so his arms would have to do.

He pushed aside his guilt as he gathered the grieving woman into his arms. "Come here, Lou," he said softly.

She fell into his open arms and leaned on him for the support she so desperately needed.

No words were spoken for several minutes as the woman in his arms released her fear, anger and misery. Jimmy just sat there stroking her smooth hair, not sure what was appropriate to say. There was so much he wanted to tell her but 'I'm sorry' just didn't seem like enough. Well he would start with that and see where it led him, he decided.

"Ah, Lou, I'm so sorry this is happening. I wish there was something I could do or say to take away the uncertainty but I can't."

"I can't do this without him," she sobbed, clutching his shirt as he held her to his chest. "I don't want to. He promised me our baby wouldn't be raised like we were - without a father in its life. He promised me," she whispered between tears.

“I promised you too,” Jimmy said to himself. “Well we’re both not going to disappoint you, that is one thing I can assure you of.” In his eyes he'd let both of them down by not fulfilling the promise he'd made that night in the barn. One way or another he would bring her husband back to her, he just hoped it was the way she needed.

Lou felt comfort and peace in Jimmy's strong arms. She had no desire to move from his firm yet gentle grasp. Slowly her breathing evened out and she felt she could talk again.

"I don't want this to be all I have to remember him by," she softly said. One hand held onto his arm while her other covered the tightness she felt pulling at her middle.

"Lou, it won't be, you'll see."

"Don't tell me that," she ordered, pulling away to look at him. "Don't say anything of the kind unless you can honestly tell me you know for sure that he's gonna be fine." She paused as she searched his face for the answer she was praying to find. Lou leaned back against the door in defeat. "See, you don't even have to say anything - your face says it all."

Jimmy silently cursed that he wasn't able to hide his fear from her. He'd done it at Teaspoon's office but that was only because he hadn't looked at her. But here, one look into her soulful eyes that were brimming over with tears and knowing that he was the cause of her heartache was more than he could bear.

He took his hat off and tossed it to the porch then leaned back against the door next to her. "I wish I did know, Lou," he told her, finally turning to look her in the face. "I would like nothing better than to tell you he's on his way home as we speak."

"That's what I kept trying to convince myself of. And I almost started to believe it until I was alone and my thoughts started taking over." Lou turned her head and stared out over the landscape. "It was like I was having this argument with myself - I kept telling my mind that even though he'd been hurt and it had looked bad, that it was all a mistake, that he was fine. But my mind wouldn't listen to me and it kept saying this time was different. I couldn't get it to stop," she said in frustration. Lou placed her hands on the top of her head as if that would make her stop thinking. "I mean, like I said before, Kid's been hurt so many times. Remember when we were at that mission and you boys tried to get me and Amanda away from Frank Pike?" She paused to catch her breath, not to see if he nodded yes or no. "Kid was the only one of us to get shot. I'll never forget how I felt the moment I saw him lying on the ground."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Jimmy replied, thinking of a more recent incident than the one Lou referred to.

Lou looked at him as she put her hand on his leg to get his attention. "But, Jimmy, that's what I'm getting at. It looked bad and I was so worried but it turned out to be nothing at all. Couldn't it turn out that way again?" she asked as the tears came to her eyes once more.

Jimmy stared at the hand that was resting on his leg. It belonged to the one woman who would always have a special place in his heart. He'd been wrong to try to sugarcoat the incident: most people would have tried to assure her that everything was going to be fine but that was not his way of doing things, no, his way consisted of shutting out the people who meant the most to him. Well no more, he would not tell her what she needed to hear but what she had to hear.

"Anything's possible, Lou, you know that. Just don't give up hope, that's what I did and it was wrong. I assumed too much from what I saw when I ain't really sure what I saw. I just hope I was wrong." He looked her in the eye, hoping she knew he was sincere.

Lou's dark eyes glanced up at her dear friend. "I need him, Jimmy," she confessed. "I need him like I've never needed anyone in my life."

Jimmy noted how her voice had an emptiness to it that he'd never heard from her before. He was afraid she was giving up any chance of hope and he wasn't about to let that happen. "I know you do, Lou. I need him too. You know, to keep me in line by always telling me he's right and I'm wrong," he joked. "If only I'd never come ..." He couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice.

"No," she interrupted quickly. "I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry, Jimmy, I never meant to yell at you or Rachel for that matter. I was scared and angry and took it out on the both of you because you were convenient." She shut her eyes for a moment as a few tears began their descent down her cheeks once again.

"It's forgotten already," he told her as he took off one of his gloves so he could wipe at her tears. "And remember, I yelled at you, too."

"We do find strange ways to express our feelings, don't we?" Lou asked, laughing and crying at the same time.

"Yeah, we need Kid around tellin' us we're doin' things the wrong way," Jimmy chuckled.

"What am I gonna do?" Lou asked in general, not specifically expecting the person next to her to answer. "I don't know if I could go on if he wasn't in my life." She covered her mouth with her hands, damning herself for letting the thought be spoken out loud.

"Yes you could and you would have to - for Kid," Jimmy told her firmly. "He's counting on you, Lou. He's so proud of what you're doing for him, bringing his child into the world. You have to pull yourself together for him, to keep a part of him alive. That's all he would ask."

"He would only ask a person to do what they were capable of. Jimmy, I asked the impossible of you, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that to you," Lou said, reaching out to touch his cheek.

Jimmy took hold of her hand before she made contact with his face. "No, that's what friends are for," he told her.

"Jimmy, would you do me a favor, as a friend?"

"Anything, you know that."

"Just bring my husband home to me," she said softly then leaned into his chest once again.

She didn't say 'one way or the other' because it wasn't necessary. Both of them were thinking the same thought so no explanation was needed.

As he wrapped his arms around her once again, Jimmy knew she'd made a start toward finding peace with the situation handed her. She hadn't given him any ultimatums; she'd asked something so simple, something that he had already promised himself he would carry out.

"I promise," he assured her as he rested his head against hers.