Since You've Been Gone

Standard disclaimer

© 2000

Lou sat impatiently at the coach drop off awaiting her love. Her long hair was gathered at the back of her head in a loose braid. She wore a white button up shirt that was tucked into her dark blue skirt. Although she tried to hide them, her work boots were peaking out from underneath the fabric. Dark circles had congregated underneath her glossy brown eyes, and tear trails stained her tanned cheeks.

It had been almost two years since Kid had left for the war. Lou could still remember their last night together. They argued most of the time because Lou insisted on Kid taking her with him. She couldn't bare the thought of not feeling him next to her. She didn't want to think about waking up alone in the morning.

She remembered screaming at him, "Kid! Kid, you promised you would never ride off without me again! That's what this marriage is, the two of us, TOGETHER! Not one in one place and the other half way across the country."

And Kid knew she was right, and he agreed, but his call home was too overpowering. Virginia needed him. It sang to him in his sleep. And, after the last states seceded from the Union, he knew where he needed to go. But without Lou?

Of course without Lou, he had reassured himself. One member of their family had better survive the war. So, his decision was made. And the last part of the night he held onto Lou as she cried in his arms. He left early the next morning, and had been writing her ever since.

But, now Kid was on his way home. To her arms.

By Lou's feet sat a basket of sandwiches that she had put together for a picnic celebration of his return. To her right sat Buck, Lou's close companion since Kid's departure. And, on Buck's lap rested Lou's four-month-old daughter Anna.

Anna had been conceived ten months after Kid left. Lou had been taking runs ever so often to help with the expenses around the station. On one ride to Bailey's Peak, five men attacked her to steal the pouch. When she fell off of Lightning, her shirt ripped open, and they discovered she was a woman. The gang had their way with her. After five days of beatings, rapping's, and starvation, they left her for dead. Lou laid under the pine trees for two more days until she gained the strength to crawl her way back to the trail. The next day, on a run to Ft. Laramie, Buck found her.

The rapists were never found, even after Jimmy, Buck, and Cody spent five months searching. So, Teaspoon and Rachel moved Lou back in with them. Buck and Jimmy had their own homes near by, and Cody had taken off to do scouting for the army. After Lou's experience, Jimmy dedicated himself to finding the gang, but to no avail. So, he withdrew from the family, even Lou.

Anna was the result of the rape. It was hard for everyone to believe that Anna's soft, gentle being was created out of such a torturous event for Lou. And her birth is what snapped Lou back into reality. Her call for Lou is exactly what the woman needed. But when Lou got Kid's letter she immediately went back into her hole in which she lived in for the nine months after the rapping's.

Lou wasn't sure how to tell Kid about Anna, so she hadn't. Buck had kept her safe for the past months and Anna had brought Lou out of her shell. But, now Kid was on his way home.

So, there Lou sat. Weathered face, fake smile gripping a letter she had read more than a thousand times.

Lou barely felt Buck's arm around her shoulder. Her whole body was numb. She gazed into the west where she noticed the dust being stirred by an approaching stagecoach.

Kid's anxiety was at an all time high as he rode into Rock Creek. Kid's hair was cleanly cut and a few strands had fallen out from his old, trusty hat that he had gotten out of his chest after being discharged. Although his face looked a little more rugged that when he left, he felt older, and that meant something. Kid's blue shirt revealed his rough ride from St. Joe (where he switched coaches, and escaped some thieves). He couldn't wait to hold Lou in his arms again. To breath in her sweet smells and feel her smooth skin.

He could still remember the night he had prepared to leave for Virginia. He knew Lou didn't want him to leave hell, he didn't want to either, but Virginia was calling. Lou suggested that she join him, and he blew up. "Lou!" he still remembered his exact words, "I've got to make sure one of us survives this. You're not coming!" It took many hours for Lou to finally give in, and she spent the rest of the night crying in his arms.

Kid's saddlebag was over flowing into the seat beside him, where it was located. He just wanted to bring a piece of every state he had visited, home for Lou. A large package rested on his legs as they bounced along the trail. Kid gazed out the window onto the plains. The land he had traveled just a few short years ago. He could remember nights camped out under the stars. He could feel the wind in his face and shivered as the cold nights returned to him.

As the coach came to a stop, Kid and Lou, for the first time in two years, made eye contact. Kid's blue eyes were gleaming with happiness and anxiety. After all this time, there she was, awaiting his return. But, something was missing in Lou's eyes. Her return glance wasn't that of an anxious or even happy person. Hidden behind her dismal stare was fear. Pure, shameful, fear. She broke her eyes away from Kid's stare and glanced down at her daughter. Anna slept soundly in Buck's arms. Her blond hair curling just slightly more as the weeks turned into months. Lou smiled slightly as she noticed Anna's fixed smile as she slept. That smile always helped Lou, in her most difficult nights. Lou would pick her daughter up, rock her to sleep, and remember that gleaming smile. That same smile, Lou possessed as a young girl. The smile that disappeared after her encounter with Wicks and returned after she met her Express family. But, again, disappeared after the rapes that brought about her daughter. Rachel and the rest of the remaining riders hoped that Kid would bring about the return of Lou's wonderful smile.

Kid jumped off of the stagecoach before the driver had a chance to stop the team of horses. He ran over to Lou, as she stood up slowly, and he picked her up in his arms, spinning her in small circles. Lou was hesitant at first, and then she remembered that in Kid, she always felt safe. He wasn't going to hurt her, or so she thought. She got caught up in the moment of their reunions, but was brought back to reality when Kid brought his lips to hers. She pulled herself away from him, quickly. And with Lou's quick action, not only did Kid's facial expression change, but Buck jumped out of his seat to protect her. Buck stepped in between the two of them, and Lou took off, running toward the house in tears. Kid began to go after her, when Buck stood in his way.

"Let her go, Kid, let her go," he responded.

Kid was more confused than ever. His mind was spinning. He waited a few seconds as Lou went out of sight.

"I don't understand, what's goin' on?" he asked.

"A lot has happened since you've been gone," Buck responded. At that time, kid realized the child in Buck's arms when she began to cry.

Kid took his mind off of his current situation with Lou for a moment, "Who's this?" he asked. "Buck, is she your's?"

"Anna isn't my daughter, Kid," he responded.

"Then whose is she?"

"I think I'm gonna let Lou tell ya about that," Buck started walking back to the bench, leaving Kid standing with a blank expression on his face. Buck picked up the basket and headed toward the house.

Kid had no choice but to grab his bags and belongings and follow Buck. What did Buck mean by that comment? Why did Lou push him away? And where did that beautiful baby girl come from?

He tried to push those questions out of this mind, but his curiosity just made him move faster.

………….

Kid made it to the former Pony Express Station and realized how much it had changed. Now, instead of one house and a half-way built house (the one Kid and Jimmy started before Kid left), there stood three beautifully crafted homes. The Old bunkhouse had been turned into a Bed and Breakfast. Kid wasn't exactly sure which house to go into, so he picked the most familiar. The house that he and Lou shared with Rachel before his journey began. He climbed the porch stairs, sucked up his pride, and knocked, just once, softly on the door.

No one answered Kid's light tapping, so he knocked harder.

"Just a minute!" a voice hollered from inside. Kid stuffed his hands in his pockets and waited. A minute turned into ten.

Rachel had been readying dinner for the guests of the Bed and Breakfast. She had flour all over the kitchen, the table, and herself. When she heard the knock on the door, she started dusting herself off. "Now, who could that be at this time of the day?" she thought to herself. She wiped off as much flour as possible, but her face and clothes still looked ghostly.

On her way to the door, she absentmindedly tripped over a pile of misplaced firewood, which had no place being in the location that it was. Rachel fell hard to the floor and let out a loud groan. That was all Kid needed to let himself in. He ran inside the house, and found Rachel on the floor, semi-laughing and teary-eyed.

Kid eased himself to the ground. "Rachel," he touched her shoulder, "are you alright?"

"Yeah, Kid, I'm fine. Kid helped her to her feet and she finally realized who, exactly, was standing in front of her.

"Kid! You're home!" Rachel exclaimed. Rachel gave the ex-rider an enormous hug. When she pulled away, she left her hands on his shoulders and sized him up. Kid just wore a bright smile on his face.

"Kid, it's so great to see you. You look wonderful. Lou will be so happy that you're home…home to stay?" Rachel asked.

"Yes, home to stay. And you're wrong about Lou bein' happy. Didn't seem to be," he commented as he took himself away from Rachel's hold and walked toward the window.

"You already saw her?" Rachel asked. If they already saw each other, then why were they not together now, she thought to herself.

"Yes, her and Buck…" Kid paused, preparing to ask the next question. "Rachel?" he turned back to face the woman, "Whose child is Anna?"

Rachel glanced away, then returned with one comment, "a lot has happened since you've been gone." Rachel left Kid standing with a confused look upon his face, and returned to the kitchen. She heard his footsteps moving toward the door and yelled, "Lou's in the blue house, Kid! The one you and Jimmy began before you left."

"Thanks Rachel," he responded and left the house, gently shutting the door behind him.

Kid stopped at the end of the porch to take in his surroundings and to collect his thoughts. The blue, nearly finished, house stood to the right of Rachel's house. The other house, that Buck and Jimmy shared, was straight ahead, about 75 yards, and the bed and breakfast remained to the left.

He thought about what had happened since he had jumped off the coach. Lou's physical condition had him worried from the beginning. She was skinnier than he remembered, and her eyes were lacking that certain sparkle. When Kid lifted her up and spun her around, it was like old times; as though he'd never left. Kid would quickly dismount Katy and run to squeeze the giggles right out of Lou. She would still giggle and smile though. And then, Kid would go in for a kiss, just like he had done, but before Lou had always returned the kiss with the same, unfolding, passion. Lou pulled away today, and Buck jumped in to protect her. "Wait a minute," he thought to himself, "Buck jumped in to protect her? As Lou ran off toward the house, Buck jumped in! Did Lou think that I wouldn't return? Did she marry Buck instead? No, wait, no, Anna couldn't be Buck's child. She looked no where near Native. Could Lou have met another man? Maybe Anna wasn't even Lou's at all, maybe she was Buck's, and Buck's wife was blonde. That's IT! That's got to be it," he tried to convince himself. "But, if that was true, then why would no one answer my question?"

Lou had run back to her home, and immediately began crying. She made her way upstairs to her bedroom. She grabbed the nightgown that she had laid out for that evening and threw it into the bottom dresser drawer, under all of her old work pants. Then, she collapsed on the floor. She pulled her knees into her body, and cried. Cried for the man that left her those short years ago; cried for the baby she had bore in her womb, and she cried for the woman that had left her and replaced Lou with the being that existed now.

"I can't believe I thought I could actually do anything that fast," she thought to herself. "His touch was so soothing, at first. Then, then the kiss was just too much. It brought back too many memories. Coal's skin felt just like Kid's, but his eyes were so different…EVIL." (Lou had named this man "Coal", for his jet-black hair. Actually, Lou had named all of the men from the attack, and she wasn't sure why.) But she should be happy that Kid was back; she was happy when she got his letter, but now? What was she to do? How was she gonna tell Kid about Anna? But, somehow she knew, deep in her heart, that it would all work out.

When Anna's cries echoed up the stair well, Lou immediately came back to reality. She wiped away her tears in time as the man reached the door. "Lou, it's me."

Lou knew exactly who it was. It was Buck, the man who had watched over her for the past 18 months. The man who stayed in her room every night for two months, just to make sure she was safe as she slept. The man, who after Anna was born, was like an uncle, even a brother to her. Buck, the only other person in which Anna felt comfortable in his arms.

She walked toward the door and saw the sweetest smile on his face as he held the screaming child.

"I changed her; I rocked her, she just keeps crying. I think she's hungry," Buck winked at Lou as he handed Anna over to Lou's accepting arms.

"I bet you're right. Poor baby girl hasn't eaten since this mornin'. Thank you, Buck, for taking care of her, and for earlier."

"Lou, you know you don't have to thank me for that."

"but still…"

Buck quickly interrupted her, "Now, I'll leave you two alone to your business. If you need anything, Rachel's in her house and Jimmy and I will be in the barn. Anything I can do b'fore I go?"

"Just one thing. Kid didn't hop back on that coach, did he?" Lou asked worriedly.

"No, Lou! He's still here. I didn't tell him anything. Don't worry, he loves you too much to leave you, again!" and with that, Buck left and went outside to find Jimmy. They had work to do.

When Buck left, Lou's attention turned to the still whimpering Anna. "I'm sorry I left you like that baby girl. Mamma just didn't know what to do," Lou soothed. She bounced Anna in her arms a little until she had calmed down even more. Then Lou unbuttoned the top of her shirt to expose her right breast. Lou held Anna close and she latched on and started sucking.

Lou sat comfortably in the rocking chair that was positioned between her desk and bed, right in front of the window. She rocked and hummed as Anna nursed. Not only did this connection relax the young child; it relaxed Lou as well.

Kid had let himself into the blue house after knocking, repeatedly, on the outside door. He walked up the stairs and found three rooms. The first room he ventured into was all blue. A beautifully stitched quilt with patches of blues, whites, and light yellow daisies, rested atop the bed. Seems as though Lou had acquired a new hobby. A new dresser adorned the east wall and there were light blue curtains blocking out the afternoon sunlight. The next room Kid entered had no color scheme, no bed, and barely a window. Obviously, this room was unfinished.

The last room in the hallway sat with a closed door. Kid knocked softly, with no response, then again, he gently opened the door. This room was done in whites. A knitted afghan covered the larger bed. The next object Kid's eye focussed on was to be the most breathtaking site he'd ever lay an eye on. Lou was sleeping soundly in a wooden rocking chair with her daughter sweetly sucking her breast. Oddly, her right foot was naturally rocking the chair, back and forth.

Kid just stood and watched in utter amazement and awe. For a while he stood, and then, he went to lean his head on the door, and it moved. The door slammed the wall beside it, startling Lou awake. Fortunately he didn't disturb Anna, who remained close to her mother's chest.

Lou was frightened at first, but then she recognized Kid's nervous figure standing in the hallway.

"I'm sorry, Lou. I didn't mean to…"

"It's ok. It's ok," she reassured. "Go down stairs, I'll be right there." Kid nodded and made his quick retreat.

Lou lifted Anna up, and pulled her away from her lunch. The baby let out a few cries, but after she was laid in her basket she immediately fell asleep. Lou buttoned up her shirt and headed down stairs.

Kid found himself down stairs in the sitting room, nervous. He sat on the sofa; he stood by the window; he sat on the floor; he walked in circles. Kid admired the stoning of the fireplace, and fidgeted with his hat. On the mantel sat three pictures: one of Kid and Lou on their wedding day, the picture Ike had drawn of the riders, and a picture of Lou holding a young baby girl (Lou was barely smiling in the picture).

Kid thought to himself how to approach the upcoming conversation. Obviously, Lou had moved on, with out him. They're argument the night he left should have shown that chance to him, but it didn't. What would he do with out her? Anna could've been his child…his flesh and blood…but he left. He left for a state that didn't even recognize his presence. He was a number. A number in a world where only numbers mattered: the number of guns, bullets, soldiers, wins and losses, and the number of deaths. Deaths were the most important.

As soon as Kid got the chance, he left. He took himself out of the army, out of the war all together. After nearly two years of blood and battle, he wanted no more. He'd finally understood what Teaspoon spoke of when those conversations came up. And, truthfully, he reminded himself, that he wish he hadn't discovered it hands on.

Lou found Kid downstairs, awkwardly pacing the sitting room floor, with a blank stare toward the pictures on the mantel. She could tell his eyes were particularly focussed on the last picture, of her and her daughter.

Kid's head finally turned to notice Lou's presence in the room.

"Kid, we have to talk," she said calmly as she sat on the sofa and invited him to sit beside her.

"Yeah, I noticed," he responded. Looking at the photograph had gotten his anger steaming again, but he tried to keep himself calm.

"Kid, this is going to be very hard to tell you," tears had begun to well in her eyes. She pulled herself upright, breathed in, and let it out. "Obviously, from what you saw in the bedroom," she blushed, "you can tell I have a daughter. Her name is Anna and she is four months old." 'God, that wasn't hard at all,' she thought to herself. But Lou hadn't told the hardest part yet. The part that would make the tears flow down. She needed Buck with her, for strength and courage. However, she had to do this on her own. To prove it to herself.

"Obviously," Kid thrashed back in her face. "Lou, well, obviously you had a child!" Kid stood back up and started pacing again. "How could you? I leave to protect our country, OUR FAMILY, and you go off and have a child with another man? What does that mean for us?" he asked as the questions just billowed off of his tongue.

"Kid, you don't understand," she responded as the tears now came down.

"I think I do. It's pretty easy to understand," he rebutted. "Actually, I'm not sure how you could've left it out of your letters! Seems like somethin' you could've told me before I came back! You just forgot all about me, didn't ya? Guess we were never meant to be…I should've known." Kid just shook his head in disgust.

"But…" she stuttered as she tried to wipe away the tears. "I never forgot you!" she cried out as Kid stormed out of the door and slammed it back on its foundation. Lou just remained sobbing into the fabric of the sofa.

Unfortunately for Kid, Buck and Jimmy heard the outburst in the barn. Kid only got ten feet away from the house when he was met by the two angry men. Jimmy's eyes were nearly exploding out of their sockets, and Buck wasn't any calmer. Oddly enough, Buck threw the first punch, and Kid was down, staring in amazement.

"DAMN YOU!" Buck yelled in a heated rage.

Part V:

Buck proceeded to walk himself over Kid's body, still lying on the ground, and into the house to find Lou.

Kid pulled himself to his feet, to only meet Jimmy's fist, and he was knocked down again, "Welcome home, Kid!" Jimmy shouted.

Kid quickly brought himself back on his feet and pulled his arms out in front of his face, fists clenched, in defense; Jimmy was already in this stance, pressuring the situation.

"Jimmy, what are we fighting about?" Kid asked. "She cheated on me! She had a child with another man!" Kid yelled as he swung and hit Jimmy in the gut.

Jimmy caught his breath, and regained his stance. "You think you're that only one who's had it rough?" Jimmy asked as he swung at Kid with his left arm, but missed.

"Oh, tell me, JIMMY! I was out fighting for my country, and she was comfortably at home. I was writing her letters every day, and she was only writing what she wanted me to know," Kid swung again, and his fist collided with Jimmy's jaw. "I was worried and lonely, but loyal. She went and warmed another man's bed!"

"YOU'RE WRONG KID!" Jimmy said as he swung and missed again.

"Am I? How can I be wrong? I come back from bein' gone nearly two years to see my wife feeding a child that ain't mine! Can't be mine!"

"You're dead wrong, Kid! Maybe it was Lou who was havin' trouble! Maybe she couldn't pay for things while you were away defendin' a land that only brought space between the two of ya. Maybe Lou had to take a few rides just so she could get by!" Jimmy swung again and hit Kid on the left cheek and followed through with a hard right to the gut. Kid fell down, again. Jimmy stood over him and yelled in dusgut, "…and maybe on one of those rides she was gone for five days until Buck found her on the trail, BEATEN, BLEEDIN', and RAPED! She was barely alive!" Jimmy walked away at that point, toward the barn. Kid just lied there in shock.

Kid collected his thoughts, there on the cold ground, and took a few deep breaths. He lifted himself off the ground and went charging after Jimmy, knocking him through the wooden railed fence, into the pig stall. Jimmy fell, hard, down into the mud, as grunts escaped from his encounter with the hard ground.

"Take it back, JIMMY!" Kid screamed as he held Jimmy's head to the ground, pinning him.

"I'm not takin' it back, KID! She's been through hell, and the only thing she has to show for it is that baby girl and her own life. She's alive, Kid, and after all she's been through, you just called her a whore? NO, I won't take it back!" At this point, Jimmy shifted his wait, grabbed Kid's arms, and twisted around so he was on top. Jimmy was left straddling Kid's waist, looking him straight in the eyes; "She's alive!"

Kid pelvic thrusted Jimmy off of him and Jimmy splattered the mud onto both him and Kid. The two men sat in the hot sun, catching their breath. Kid's thoughts were all coming together now. He was thinking…and with thought humiliation followed.

When Buck walked in the door, he immediately found Lou, in tears on the sofa. No cries were heard from upstairs, and he was relieved; Anna was still asleep. He walked over to Lou, sat on the couch, and pulled her head onto his lap, holding her. She cried.

"He thinks I'm a whore!" squeaked out.

"He's wrong, Lou. He's not thinkin'"

"He thinks I'm dirty. He said I forgot all about him. He wouldn't even let em tell him the truth," she cried even more. Buck sat looking at the pictures on the mantel stroking Lou's soft hair with his comforting hands.

Suddenly, a clamor was heard from the barn, as Kid threw Jimmy through the fence.

"Oh my GOD, Jimmy's gonna kill him!" Lou yelled. Buck and Lou both looked out the window to see both men in the pig stall covered in mud and blood. Buck and Lou left the house and ran toward the squabbling ex-riders. Rachel quickly joined them.

By the time Lou, Buck, and Rachel arrived, the two men were lying in the mud; both had given up.

Kid caught Lou's dress flapping in the wind out of his side vision. He immediately jumped to his feet and Jimmy followed.

Kid and Jimmy's faces had already begun to swell.

Lou still had tears in her eyes.

Buck was inspecting the broken fence and Rachel was in pure shock and confusion.

Lou looked up from scuffing her boots in the dirt, "Kid, a lot has happened since you've been gone," and then she ran off toward the barn only to ride out a few seconds later on the new bay Buck had brought home. Kid stood dumbfounded for a moment, then prepared to go after her.

"Don't, Kid, let her be," Jimmy responded forcefully, yet calm.

"I ain't gonna let her be, something could happen!" Kid hollered back.

"Anything that could happen to her can't be any worse than what's already happened!" Jimmy yelled powerfully.

"Listen Jimmy…I'm sick of being told that so much has happened 'since I've been gone'…I want to do something to help…" Kid was quickly interrupted by Buck.

"Kid, she'll be fine. I usually wait five minutes and ride after her anyway. She's got three spots that she visits. When she's happy, she takes Anna to that fallen tree out in the little field, east of town. When she's angry or sad, she visits Ike's restin' spot; sometimes I think it brings her more peace than it does me. But today, today she'll be at the stream near the bluff. She throws rocks into the river. I'm not sure if she knows I follow; I just always have. She must know I'm there sometimes, though, or else I doubt she'd ever leave. If you want to Kid, you can come."

"I'd like that," Kid responded respectfully.

With that, it was written. It was at that moment that Kid realized the bond between Lou and Buck, and how much he had really missed. His absence had left a larger mark on all of their lives than anyone could have ever imagined. What Kid hadn't been able to do, Buck had. He rescued Lou when kid had failed. The question that festered in his head now was whether or not he could step back in his place.

Kid and Buck then mounted up and took off toward the stream. When they made it there, they stopped just out of Lou's site.

There she was, just as Buck had described. Her hair glowed in the sunlight as she sat by the shore, tossing small pebbles into the passing water. Each individual rock would bounce off of the other rocks and find its way down toward the larger river that it met up with. They were free, but still trapped in the rapids of the river. Trapped.

Kid couldn't help but to watch in amazement. He was proud of Lou's strength, and that only made guilt's sting more poisonous to him. He still couldn't believe he had blown up like that. He was away two years and hadn't learned anything.

"The first time she came here, I lost her tack," Buck interrupted Kid's thoughts. "It was awful. My stomach rose to my throat. The only thing I could do was ride around, searching. I prayed that I wouldn't find her beaten on the trail somewhere. Finally, I found a set of tacks to follow and it led me here. Lou was resting on that large rock down there, but the tracks I had followed weren't hers…."

"Who's were they?" Kid asked.

"They belonged to Sundancer. Jimmy…he was watching her from a safe distance, up on that hill." Kid just listened as Buck finished the story. On the ride there, he had decided to ask about what had happened, but it was easier that Buck took the lead, and they both knew it.

"I think out of everyone," Buck continued, "besides Lou, it was the hardest on Jimmy. He took off for two weeks straight after I brought her home. I swear he rode to California and back with no luck. He never came across a gang with any liking to what Lou described. Guilt has weighed heavy on his heart, and he hasn't been the same…." Buck's words trailed off as the two men watched Lou, down by the stream, wishing on her pebbles…dreaming of what could've been.

When the sun began to set, Lou knew it was time to head back. But what was she to do? Life was never going to be how it was before Kid had left. She knew she had to tell him. He had to know the truth, from her mouth. Not Jimmy's, not Buck's, not Rachel's, not Teaspoon's. It had to be her words, from her mouth. With her tears and sobs muffling the story. She walked over to the horse, mounted, and rode back west, to face her husband…the man that had always been there for her, accept when it mattered the most, but he would've been. If only Lou had wrote to him and told him that he needed her. He would've been there in a heartbeat, if he had known.

She got back to town right after dusk, smelling her protector a mile or so behind her. Buck had always followed her, and she knew it. It always made her feel safe and secure; if he hadn't followed her, she would have never have gone. But this time it was different, Kid had joined him. That only meant one thing; he still cared.

Dinner that night was quiet. Rachel served chicken and corn; Kid's favorite. Teaspoon sat peacefully at the head of the table, mumbling something to himself. Rachel was at one side and Kid was on the other. Buck was located on the other side of Kid and Lou and Jimmy were across the table.

Lou's eyes were on her food most of the time, except for when she glanced up to see Kid looking right back at her. Then she immediately went back to her bowl, stirring the stew around in circles.

In the middle of the meal, a loud cry was heard from the small basket in the sitting room; Anna was hungry. Lou excused herself from the table, as Kid, Buck and Jimmy stood out of respect. Lou reached into the basket and carried Anna upstairs for a little privacy.

After Lou left, the tenseness of the table lessened, completely. Jimmy started a conversation about the new bay, and Teaspoon told a story about the criminals of the day. At one point, Lou could even hear laughter coming from down stairs, and that made her calm down as well.

When dinner was finished, Jimmy and Buck took off toward the house that they had been sharing. Rachel cleaned up and went to check on the guests at the Bed and Breakfast and Teaspoon went back to his desk in the Marshall's office.

When Lou came down from her room, she found Kid asleep on the sofa in the sitting room. She laid Anna down softly in a basket that Buck had mad and covered her with a light blanket. Lou then found a quilt and covered Kid with it and then sat and watched him sleep. It was amazing what you could discover about a person in their sleep. It was as if you could watch them dream. Lou could remember watching Kid sleep those wondrous nights after they had made love. She wondered if they would ever happen again. Lou still loved Kid. It wasn't a matter of love, nor trust. It was fear. Fear that she could never melt into him like she had before. She wanted to feel comfortable in his arms, his heart, and his soul. His skin couldn't always feel like Coal's had. His eyes couldn't always remind her of Moses (another name for one of her rapists)…or could they?

Lou pulled a chair up to the couch and curled up close to Kid. It wasn't long until she fell asleep as well.

Lou woke up the next morning, covered in a warm blanket, cuddled up on the couch, and a loud noise crackling in her ears; the sound of breaking wood.

Kid had woken up early, his conscience had been weighing on his mind, and there Lou was, asleep on the chair beside him. Her eyelashes lightly brushed her skin. He picked her up, and lightly placed her on the couch, covering her with his quilt. Kid checked on Anna before he went to start his chores; she was soundly sleeping as well.

Kid got dressed and headed to the barn where he found his trusty ole' axe, and plenty of wood to be cut. And so he started. It wasn't before long that the sun lightened and heated up the day, and his blue shirt came off. His arms grew stronger with each blow to the weakened wood. His mind also grew clearer. Yet, he still wasn't sure what to do about his encounter with Lou the previous day, nor the facts that had been laid out by Jimmy. Perhaps that would be revealed in time.

"Been out here long, Cowboy?" Lou asked sarcastically as she interrupted Kid in mid-swing.

Kid looked up to be consumed with her beauty, once again. "Since dawn," he answered as he looked up from his chore.

"Want some help?"

"You don't have to, Lou," he replied as he wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Let me show ya how it's done," Lou grabbed the axe from Kid and came down on the next block of wood with pure force. The wood splintered in half, and the sections fell to the ground. She looked up at Kid to see his smile even brighter as she flashed him a "that's how it's done" look.

"Lou, I was planning on taking a ride out to the ole' swimming hole today. Was curious if you'd like to come…it could be like old times," Kid asked tensely. Kid and Lou both knew that it wouldn't be like old times. Nothing could ever match their hot afternoons in the swimming hole…but they could try.

"Sure," Lou responded shortly. "I'll get Rachel to watch Anna, she won't mind," and Lou walked away to finish her chores.

Lunch grew nearer, and Kid was hungry. He decided to make his and Lou's ride into a picnic and helped Rachel set up a basket of sandwiches for them. Then, he went in search of Lou. With no luck every where else, he walked up to her room and knocked. No answer. He knocked again. Kid then let himself quietly into the room. It was empty.

The room was decorated beautifully, but a strange book rested on the dresser; one Kid had never seen before. He opened to the beginning of the book and found a date scribbled at the top of the page.

This writing continued, but Kid had had enough. He threw the book toward the mirror and it shattered on impact. Lou heard the glass breaking and ran up to the room to find Kid, crying in the corner of the room, crouched down on the floor.

"Kid?" she asked cautiously as she peered into the room. Lou saw the glass on the floor, and recognized her journal lying in the middle of the mess.

Kid looked up from his knees, through his tear-filled eyes, and saw Lou standing in the doorway. He couldn't move, only to wipe his tears away quickly. Her concerned look beat into Kid's eyes, reaching his heart. He broken down again and Lou rushed over to hold him. She sat down beside him, and placed his head in her lap. She could feel his tears soak through her cotton skirt, chilling her leg.

"I'm sorry you had to read that, Kid," she consoled.

"No, I'm sorry," he choked out. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for ya. I'm sorry I left when you asked me not to…I'm sorry that those men…that those men attacked you…I'm sorry that you've lived every day since scared that they'd find ya…and most of all, I'm sorry for accusin'…for makin' ya sound like you was a whore." Kid remained crying in Lou's lap. Lou had actually broken into tears