The
Shadow of Our LoveThe
Shadow of Our Love
My name is Louise, and this is the story of my life. My children have been
after me for years to write all of this down. When they were younger, they loved
hearing me tell the story of how their father and I got together. Now that they
are older and have families of their own they can understand better the things
that happened. Our youngest, Ben - Benjamin as he has insisted upon being called
ever since he left for college, but what can a mother do? He will always be
my Ben - was married this afternoon. And now, after all the guests have gone,
all the presents have been put away until Ben and Ilse return from their honeymoon
and bring them to their own house, and after all the lights have been put out
in the rest of the house, I know it is time to put my story on paper. I discovered
long ago that Cody was not the only one of us with the ability to tell a story
with the pen, but I've never written a story about myself before. I imagine
it will be a difficult and daunting task, but I shall do my utmost.
Now that my darling Kid is gone, it is even more important that I put the story
down. I am an old woman now, and likely won't be long for this world. Our story
is not a great one - it is not always a happy one - but it is ours, and I want
our children, and their children, to remember it.
Generally our first loves are not the ones we spend the rest of our lives with. We love them, we lose them through our fault or theirs, and we move on with our lives. The pain of losing them is great at first, but eventually it begins to lessen until we can look back at the time we had with them and just see the good parts. In a way, this is good. It keeps us from being bitter over any wrongs - or imagined wrongs - that were done to us. It teaches us that the things we think are momentous today will not seem as important to us tomorrow. It gives us resiliency, teaching us how to overcome disappointment and be happy again. I was no different than any other person in this world. My first love was not the one I spent my lifetime with.
Kid and I met when we both signed up to ride for the Pony Express. We were stationed in Sweetwater, then Nebraska Territory, now part of the state of Wyoming. It was unheard of for a girl to ride for the Express, and I had disguised myself as a male to get the job. My life before the Express had been difficult, full of pain. I was a survivor, and while riding for the Express was a hard life physically, it was the best life I had ever known. I, who had been an orphan most of my life, gained a family. We were a ragtag bunch, all completely different, and yet all bound by the same kind of hardships that we had each endured. We were truly a family, all of us, bound by bonds that could never be broken. We had fights, we had arguments, we had periods of time where we thought we hated each other, but in the end, we were family and nothing could separate us.
We lost a couple members quickly, while others lived to ripe old ages. Now, only Cody and I are left. But that family was part of what made me who I am today, and as such, they are part of my story.
So, when I was young I rode for the Pony Express. Oh, I was not the only girl who did, but I was the only one who lasted all eighteen months. The others either could not handle it, or were found out by unsympathetic station masters or riders and were sent packing. I was lucky - when the people I worked with found out they supported me and treated me as an equal.
Kid was the first one who found out, and he kept my secret as long as he needed to. Before him I had only known men who were hard and uncaring, who would rather use a person if it would benefit them. I had been used by one of those men, and had come out scarred and untrusting. Kid showed me that there are men out there who are honorable.
Kid was my first love, and I his. Neither of us really knew what true love was then, that true love is more than just passion and romance, but we were young and naïve, and we thought we knew. Our love was real, but the foundation was shaky. Love like that can never last. I think it surprised everyone when we broke things off, but I had seen it coming for a long time.
Oh, I felt like I was falling apart when we broke up. You always do you know. Losing that first love is one of the hardest things a human being will ever have to go through. When that love ends it's a tearing apart of something inside, something that you can never get back. That something leaves an emptiness that can never quite be filled, no matter how many loves follow. It's always been said that you never forget your first love, and I can tell you that is true. It's never easy when things fall apart, but all you can do is pick up the pieces and move on.
To Be Continued...