Author's note: This story takes place immediately following the episode "Old Scores".
When Buck returned to Rawlings Teaspoon was already helping him up. Buck had a talent for reading people, and had he been in a better frame of mind he would have been able to see the distant look in the man's eyes and the confusion that had yet to leave his face. However, with concern for Ike being first and foremost none of that registered. Instead, he whirled on Ben.
"What did you say to him?" he seethed his face inches from Rawlings.
"Take it easy Buck, we'll talk this out rationally and we'll figure out what got Ike so riled up. Aint no use in lettin' your emotions get the best of you." Teaspoon advised as he placed a hand on Buck's chest and pushed him back gently successfully stepping between them.
Buck decided to do as Teaspoon said for the time being and kept silent, though his eyes continued to bore holes into Ben.
"So why don't you explain to us exactly what it is that happened here." Teaspoon began calmly.
"I had no idea," Ben began softly. This was something new that he had to blame himself for and he wasn't about to come to terms with it easily. Considering how he himself felt, he was sure the boy's friends would want to string him up for all the pain he caused. He wasn't sure if it was even his place to reveal to them what had upset Ike so badly. But he had to tell them, he had to face up to what he had done. Lord knew that if he couldn't find her or if he found something worse, Ike would need his friends. Ben would at least give him that.
"I thought he knew about his sister," he continued shakily.
"Sister? Ike never mentioned he had a sister." Cody cut him off. They looked around at each other wondering how it was that they didn't know this about Ike, when they finally turned to Buck for an answer.
"Well, he did Cody. She was killed at the same time as his parents. Ike doesn't like to talk about her." He tried to dismiss it knowing how Ike felt about bringing up his family and turned back to Rawlings. "So what didn't he know?"
"Well that's just it. She wasn't killed. I had no idea there were two of them." The last part was said to himself as though he was trying to figure out what went so wrong that day. He shook his head to clear it. "So I took the girl to the Doctor in Fern Spring."
"Why would you do that?" Jimmy asked in quiet disbelief. "You were obviously there to kill them in the first place."
"I couldn't stop Nickerson. He was killing just for the joy of it. It was the senseless power of taking someone's life, that he seemed to enjoy the most. I think it made him happy to see them running in terror from him. It didn't matter if it was a woman, or a child, or someone's family."
He looked up as Kid just barely managed to stop Buck from lunging at Rawlings. Kid held him back as he seethed. "I don't care if you pulled the trigger or not. You're a murderer Rawlings. Do you even know what you did?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" Ben looked down and for a fleeting moment thought about his own family, how terrible it would be to lose them, or worse yet for his sons to end up alone in the world. He couldn't bring his eyes up as he continued. "I was just trying to get you to understand. Nickerson only had a quarrel with Ike's father. I don't even remember over what, I think it had to do with him pointing out that Nickerson was cheatin' in a card game. Either way, he had no reason to kill anyone else. But it didn't matter to him. So when I knew he and the others had left I stayed behind and took her to the doctor, figuring Nickerson would never find out and the girl was too young to remember clearly who she had been runnin' from in the first place."
"You tryin' to tell us, that you stayed back after your gang rode on and took one of the victims of a slaughter that you had been a PART of to the doctor? Purely out of what? The goodness of your heart?" Lou asked incredulously.
"It's what happened," he insisted softly. "Though I'll admit it was more out of guilt at the time."
Teaspoon eyed the man carefully, and though his mannerism insisted that he was telling the truth, there were still pieces that didn't seem to fit the puzzle.
"And how was it Nickerson and his gang didn't notice you stayin' behind?" he asked.
"They enjoyed frequenting saloons after they went on one of their rampages. I knew that they would be either too drunk or too occupied to worry about where I might be."
There was a silence then as they all thought over the story in their heads. It didn't seem plausible, but the fact remained that Ike believed it. He must have or else he wouldn't have been so upset.
"I'm going after him," Buck announced as he turned and started back towards the barn.
"Me too," Jimmy replied as they all seemed to come to the same conclusion.
"Now hold up." Teaspoon started and they stopped in their tracks and turned to him. "You can't all go, we've got runs to cover. I know Ike's upset, but once he finds whatever it is he's looking for, he'll come back home."
"But Teaspoon, that could take months on his own," Buck interjected, determined to help his friend. "And he ain't gonna be thinking clearly enough as it is."
Teaspoon merely held up his hand to stop any further argument. "I know, I know. That's why I'm gonna let you head after him. But just you Buck, this isn't something that would benefit from the lot of you running around on some fool mission causing more havoc than you can run from." Having finished his speech he nodded to Buck. "Go pack some gear son, and get some supplies from Rachel, I doubt Ike brought much with him." He turned to walk away before turning back with an afterthought. "And please try to get yourselves back here in one piece. You two run into any trouble, you just send word, ok?" Buck nodded than headed off, much to the dismay of the others. They hated waiting around the way station if one of them was in trouble.
Teaspoon returned to Ben who had yet to move from where he was standing. "I suggest you get on home to your family before there's any more trouble here." It wasn't a warning or a threat, yet it seemed to be both.
Ben raised his head and was about to speak. He wanted to apologize, to do something, anything. However, seeing the looks all the riders were giving him he thought better of it and merely nodded before heading back to his horse.
Jimmy walked up and stood quietly next to Teaspoon. "You think there's going to be trouble?"
"Well ordinarily I'd say no. Trying to find someone you haven't seen in years isn't normally dangerous. But considerin' you boys could find trouble in a Sunday Social, I think we'll have to keep our guards up." Teaspoon replied only half joking. It took him the slightest moment before he turned serious. "There's something about this that don't feel right."
Jimmy glanced at Teaspoon before his eyes found the horizon again. "And I thought it was just me."
Ike had been riding with nothing but a direction. He had no thought or reason until it occurred to him his horse wouldn't make it if he continued at this pace. He pulled her up to a walk and as soon as the wind slowed against his face, all his thoughts caught up with him. It was then he realized the cause of part of the pain he couldn't identify before. It's my fault. I left there without looking back. Just ran and ran because I was so afraid. If I could have looked back once, things would be different. That was an understatement. His entire life would have been flipped upside down. Would they have put them together in the orphanage? Or would Ike be wherever she was now? And what about Buck? Maybe if he had his baby sister to look out for he never would have looked to anyone else for companionship. That wasn't something he wanted to think about, he would never wish things had been different if he didn't have a friend like Buck. But still, he could have had someone who truly knew his pain. If he had had her to share it with, would he never have withdrawn so far into himself? Would he still be able to speak? His stomach clenched, and he felt a pressure in his chest. There were too many "what ifs" to even contemplate it seemed.
The fact remained that he was who he was today because of all that had happened in his life. To wish he could go back and change it now, while useless, would mean he wanted to change himself. Thoughts of his family back at the station jumped into his mind and he regretted that he left without explaining anything. But if his sister was alive she was his family too, and he couldn't just go on like she didn't exist. He hoped they would understand.
The nagging feeling that he had done her wrong that day refused to be shaken off easily. Well the only thing to do now would be to find her and make it up to her. He swore then and there that he would no matter what. He got his horse to pick up a canter again and headed towards Fern Spring, his old home, and memories that he had buried long ago.
