In The Shadow Of The Gun:

A Fan's Saga of the Young Riders

By: PixEDust

Prologue: McCloud: The Storm In My Heart

Authors Notes: I hadn't planned on writing a prologue to this story... I had already finished part one and did the rough draft of part two before starting this... but because of some feedback I got from a friend, I wrote one. This story takes place directly after the episode Blood Of Others. Basically this part is to further set the stage and very, very briefly mention all the characters used in this story... Jimmy, Lou, Kid, Teaspoon, Rachel, Jesse, Buck, Ike, Noah, and Cody. And to recap a few, very few, of the events in past episodes like Blood Of Others so that those who don't follow the series religiously will have the basis from which In The Shadow Of The Gun starts. I have an awful time with spelling so if you find any mistakes please drop me a line and let me know. I mean spell check is heavenly but it doesn't let you know if you've used the wrong word (EX. I once used the word pubic instead of public.... very embarrassing... ). Some words are deliberately misspelled to give the impression that the characters are narrating their own thoughts. Deliberate bad grammar is also used, ; ) , that's just the way they talk (sound). Alrighty, then on with the story...)

Thunder spooked the horses and made them whinny and paw the ground. Rain was poring down in bucketfuls tonight. No fit weather for man or beast. There was little warmth inside the stable, but the lone human occupant didn't feel the chill.

Nether did Louise McCloud hear the storm outside or pay it any mind at all.

The storm within isolated her from everything around her.

And so the small, confused girl

huddled in the corner of Katy's empty stall

waiting for the storm to pass.

Rock Creek Waystation

Louise couldn't stop thinking about any of it. A few days ago they had turned a good man, Elias Mills, over to be hanged. He had saved her life. He had saved Jimmy's life too. She hated it. Could she have done anything to save him? It didn't do any good now. He was gone, another victim of circumstance. Her whole life she'd been a victim of events beyond her control and it had made her hard in some ways. That was the only way she had to deal with it. You couldn't save people from themselves, as Teaspoon had told her after her father died. She had to face it. She couldn't have saved Elias.

Anymore than she could have saved her father, the gunrunner Boggs. She remembered her helplessness in front of him as he stood ready to shoot her, his own daughter... That was what truly ate at her. Her own helplessness. Lou hated to feel helpless. Even more than that she hated being treated as if she were helpless. The Kid made her so mad when he treated her like that...

The Kid. Her first real love. Maybe. Sometimes she wasn't so sure. It didn't matter anyway. They weren't together anymore. Kid kept trying to control her, and Louise couldn't let herself be controlled. Control mattered to Louise. So did self sufficiency. She could take care of herself. She did not need anyone, to make her a person. No way was she giving up her identity to be Mrs. Kid... NO! She was Louise McCloud. She had fought hard for her freedom, and she wouldn't give it up for any man. Not even the Kid.

The Kid, he'd been shot when they were transporting Mills. She'd been so worried about him. They all made it out alive though. Kid, Jimmy, and herself anyway.

Jimmy...

The other person. James Butler Hickok. He drew her like a moth to flame. She was afraid of being burned, no consumed was more like it. Jimmy had been working his way under her skin slowly since the day she'd met him. He was so strong, and so..

God, she didn't know how to put it into words, but Jimmy was so...

There was something about him that spoke of deep seeded passions and danger just under the surface. He had awakened a need in her she thought she could never feel..

But she felt it now when she thought of him...

She felt...

Desire. A deep dark desire, that was more than the need for affection, which she had previously believed would be all she was capable of feeling for a man. Yet affection and need were wound up tightly in it too... She tried to control her breathing; block his eyes from her mind.

His eyes... hypnotic and sensual... not really brown, more like amber... liquid pools you could fall into and drown. She was drowning even now... and another thought..

When she looked into Jimmy's eyes she saw her own reflection...

Oh, Jimmy, If only you knew... we are so alike, you and I. I almost told you the truth but I'm glad I didn't. I must control this, or it will control me... I'm just afraid... so afraid there will be no going back if we start down this road together, and I'm afraid, I'll be the one who gets you killed...

She could hear her own voice saying to him,"When ya gonna stop walkin' away? When are you gonna admit the truth?" Why had she felt the need to press him with it? Was she talkin' about Jimmy's demons, or her own? He'd said to her, "And what truth is that, Lou?" What had made her say it?, "That when you look at Elias it's like starin' in a mirror twenty years from now. And it scares you to death." He'd looked at her then, with such pain in his eyes, she had wanted to die. She'd replied, "I'm sorry. I had no right sayin' that.", hoping to somehow take it back. She'd been about to say more, confess her own dark secrets, when he told her "Yeah you did. I keep tellin' myself that that ain't gonna be me. But all I see is myself headin' down that same road." The overwhelming desire to comfort him had assailed her and she'd told him, "It doesn't have to be that way." Jimmy had looked so alone and lost as he'd said, "I don't think it's gonna turn out any different. People got their minds made up about me." Her painstakingly built walls of self-preservation had crumbled like burnt paper in the face of his sorrow. She hadn't had any choice at that point but to open up to him and tell him how she herself saw him. "Doesn't matter what others think. It matters what you think... For what it's worth though, I... I think you're a much better man than you give yourself credit for." She'd been torn between wanting to run away after her confession and wanting to reach out for him... to him again, in the end she hadn't been able to resist touching him and had tried to kiss his cheek... "Goodnight...", she had whispered to him...

(Authors Notes: Above seen is retold from the episode Blood Of Others where Jimmy and Lou escort Elias Mills to be hanged. )

Then he had kissed her. On the lips. Hard and demanding at first, then strangely gentle as if he had caught himself in some strange aggression and had wanted to comfort her... Could he have sensed her fear? Because she had been shaken, afraid, but not of Jimmy, never Jimmy, of something else stirring in her she didn't even have a name for... What was it?...

What was this feeling? Overpowering...

Jimmy kissed me like I've never been kissed before...

I want him...

I want him...

And now she couldn't think straight. It was a sucker punch she hadn't seen comin', A realization... he feels it too. An awful guilty thrill, and the desire to give in to it. She'd do anything for James Butler Hickok. Anything at all. It had been doggin' her since the night in Willow Springs when Jimmy had given her her dreams on a silver platter. The dress. The dinner. The dance. He made her feel like a new woman, and he did it without belittling her, never making it seem as if he was making her into what he thought she should be.

Jimmy had a heart of gold, but others seldom saw it. He didn't really let others see it. With her, he was different, they were special to each other. Before that kiss she had called it brotherly affection, when that hadn't sat with her she tried to call it friendship. But the touch of his lips on hers, the taste of his mouth... denial had followed the realization that her feelings for Jimmy were nether friendly or brotherly. They were the feelings a woman had for a man.

Jimmy was all man... and he made her feel like a real woman.

The problem was Jimmy wasn't the first man she'd had feelings like that for. There was also the Kid. They'd been riding double awhile back and even if they weren't officially together, she couldn't really say that they were completely over. On her side of things anyway.

Jimmy... Kid... Oh, God...

Jimmy gave her presents. Girl presents, but the difference was when Jimmy gave her a dress, it was because he thought she wanted it. Not like Kid, who would buy her a ring because he needed her to want it.

There was part of it... Jimmy was a man... and Kid... was still a kid.

It was so easy to rationalize it here, alone in the dark. When the sun came up again she knew it wouldn't be so easy.

She was torn between them, now. No, Lou, she told herself, you've always been torn between them. You just didn't want to admit it, even to yourself. Her mind went back to the day Jimmy and the other riders had found out she was a girl, Kid had shot her father, to protect her. They had been riding home and had stopped on this rise and she had wanted to let them all know how much they had come to mean to her. It was also the first hint she'd had that Jimmy saw her as desirable and the beginning of their flirtation.

"What's wrong?", Kid asked her. "Nothin' ", she'd replied. She had caught Jimmy looking at her but when he noticed her noticin' he turned away. "A girl?", Jimmy had asked. Her reply had been "Something wrong with that?" Jimmy told her, "Only thing wrong with it is I didn't see it sooner. I'm tellin' ya Lou its a relief because the way you and The Kid have been lookin' at each other... I even caught myself lookin' at you like that a couple of times." She had felt flush and a streak of female pride had went through her but she had to tease him to deflect the compliment she didn't know how to deal with. "Like what?" Oh, Lord the man was so irresistible when he was being shy. "Mmmm, you know.", he said. "No, Jimmy I don't know.", the comeback. The admission, "All I'm gonna say is that you're the best lookin' boy I know." "Why Jimmy.", she had laughed. But then Cody had broke the tension by saying, "I wouldn't let that go to your head Lou...I've seen him lookin' at his horse the same way." They'd all had a laugh then. Cody always did have to put in his two cents worth.

(Authors Notes: Above seen is retold from the episode Bad Blood where Boggs, the gunrunner is revealed to be Lou's father and the boys except Kid, who already knew, find out Lou is a girl.)

She'd just fixated on Kid because he pursued her. Always dancin' around her, that was the Kid. He could be so dear and sweet. The picture of the perfect gentleman... almost. Kid was always so careful with her, treating her as if she were made of fine porcelain. Sometimes, when the memories floated up, she needed that, but she didn't want to need it.

None of her friends really understood why she was the way she was, and she hoped they never would. Louise didn't think she could live through that. It was one thing to live knowing what had happened to her. It was another to have others know it. They would never think the same of her if they knew. She kept her dirty little secrets close to her heart, and prayed to God or the Devil, which ever would listen, that they'd never know...

Jimmy treated her as an equal... almost. He wasn't afraid for her at least if she mounted a horse or cut her finger. He had faith in her ability to take care of herself, on a day to day basis at least. Although he and all the boys had become protective of her after finding out she was a girl, they didn't try to stifle her by wrapping her up in cotton.

At least, not unless they were prodded that way by the Kid. She gritted her teeth at the thoughts of all the times Kid had tried to bully her into doing what he wanted by trying to persuade her friends, "Lou shouldn't come along, she might get hurt, she'd be in danger, she might..." Oh, the seething fury she felt at being manipulated and coerced in that way. And that was what it was when it came down to it. Kid tried to take away her power to make her own decisions, it didn't matter why he did it.

Only Jimmy ever stood up to him for her...

The shuffling of boots across the stable floor alerted her to the fact that she was no longer alone. She'd been so lost in her thoughts she didn't even have time to scream before the man snuck up beside her in the dark.

Earlier That Night In The Bunkhouse

Jimmy, Lou, Cody, and Noah were all engaged in a game of poker. Lou's glasses had slid down her nose and she peeked over them with an unreadable look on her face. Noah was looking very thoughtful as he rearranged his cards in his hand. Cody had his usual smirk plastered on his face. Jimmy made a sour face and said, "I fold."

"Aahhh.... Jimmy come on. You've folded on the last three hands!", Cody told him.

"That's because I, unlike you, have better since than to throw my money away on a losing hand.", Jimmy replied. He rubbed his arms a bit as it was a chilly night.

If there was anything Cody hated it was not getting the last word on something so he leaned forward ready to defend himself, "I'm not throwin' my money away I..."

He was cut off by Noah saying, "Well, that's true, he's throwin' my money away."

Cody gave Noah a hurt look, "I'll pay you back, I told you."

"How many times have I heard that one?", Noah replied. The young black man tilted his hat back and looked eye to eye with his friend.

Lou commented, "Usually before he asks you to borrow money again."

Cody folded his own hand and tossed it down, "That's enough from you, Lou." His light blue eyes were flashing angrily at her.

"Oh, come on Cody, we're just razzin' ya a little. Don't get your knickers in a knot." Lou tapped her fingers on the table in an impatient manor.

"All, I'm sayin' is there's razzin' and there's just being plain hurtful.", and with that Cody went and lay on his bunk with his back to them all.

"Now look what you did, Lou." As he said this Noah put down his own cards and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Me, I didn't do nothin', you started it." With a flick of her wrist she threw her own cards down.

"Well, it was my money." Noah put his hands on his knees and leaned toward Lou as if ready to debate the issue. Her eyes glittered and she leaned forward as well.

"Noah...", Jimmy said in a warning tone, "Just drop it now. We're all on edge lately, lets not say somethin' we'll regret tomorrow. I think it'd probably be best if we all just got some sleep." He was already picking up the cards.

Lou sighed and leaned back, no reason to take her bad mood out on Noah. "Jimmy's right.", Lou said, "I'll go check on the horses. Powerful bad storm out tonight."

"Yep.", Noah agreed, deflated by Jimmy, the usual hot head of the group, trying to make peace. "You need some help?"

"Nah, Noah... thanks. I can do it." Lou smiled her I'm-able-to-take-care-of-myself,-but-I'll-humor-you-tonight-instead-of-chewin'-you-out smile.

"It is bad out...", Cody said from his bunk. He could never stay mad long. "Do you think Ike is alright?"

"More than likely stayed in the last town he passed through, wouldn't worry about him if I were you.", Noah told him.

"Guess you're right. Throw me Kid's blanket? He's not usin' it right now, and I'm cold."

Lou shrugged, picked up the blanket and gave it to him saying, "I don't think Kid'll mind. Goodnight, all ."

"Goodnight, Lou", Cody said as she was going out the door.

"Wait a minute Lou.", Jimmy said going over to Buck's bunk and picking up his spare blanket, "Buck's not here... No since in you catchin' a chill." He wrapped the blanket around her from behind. It was very much like a hug. Jimmy and Lou stood frozen in that pose for a second that seemed like forever. When they moved away from each other they were both shivering but not from the chilly rain blowing in the open door.

"Get in, or go out Lou, but close that door soon before we freeze to death.", Cody said from underneath the blankets.

"I'm goin'.", Lou muttered in a low voice as she raised the blanket over head and headed out to the stable.

The rest murmured their own goodnights around and settled down. Not one of them however slept very well that night.

Ike came into the barn soaking wet. He was so glad to be home. All he wanted was to put his horse up and make it out to the bunkhouse where he could pass out on his own bed. To that end he led Brownie towards her stall. Ike was tired but made short work of rubbing her down and was on his way out when he saw the movement in Katy's stall. He pulled out his gun and approached carefully, sure that some derelict had taken refuge from the storm inside their stable.

He put his gun away however when he recognized the huddled up figure as being Lou, the only female rider of the Pony Express. Was something wrong with her? She hadn't made any moves or made out like she had even seen him. The lantern didn't give off much light. Maybe Lou couldn't really see that well without her glasses. He'd thought that they were just a part of her boy disguise till now. Ike gave it a thought and decided to check on her. Lou'd never been the same since she and Kid broke up...

He'd have called out to her if he'd had voice to do it with, but instead he came to her and sat down. He smiled a little and touched her arm when she tried to draw on him. "Did I catch you napping?", he signed. Then turned up the lantern that he carried with him so she could see him better.

Willow Springs

Alec Kenner stared at himself in the mirror. Not much liking what he saw. Bright green eyes. Jet black hair with a hint of red in it, that just brushed his shoulders. A nose that had been broke more times than he could remember. A old, faint scar down the side of his face. And still he was pretty. Men were not meant to be pretty. It made other men uncomfortable around him. Alec made a sour face. There. When he made that face he wasn't pretty at all. Alec didn't know it but he carried an aura of danger with him. He'd have liked to have known it, but people are usually oblivious to the traits they possess that would really make them happy.

Life had shoved Alec Kenner down in the dirt many times. Men had shoved more than that, but one man had shoved him further than all the others put together. His name left a bitter taste in Alec's mouth. The name was James Butler Hickok.

He'd been just wandering around this last year... from town to town. Then he started to hear the rumors that were floating around about "Wild Bill". That was what was driving him up the wall. He couldn't get away from him. He couldn't put it in the past. Alec Kenner knew that if he didn't face him there'd be no going forward. No peace. He had to find Hickok, and put the demons to rest so he could go on with his life. God, he wished he'd put a bullet between Hickok's eyes, when he'd had the chance!

Soon he thought. Soon he'd face him. He'd talked to a bartender named Melvin over at the Left Holster saloon today. Melvin, knew some of the local riders and he thought he could set it up, a surprise meeting between the two of them. Hickok came thought here all the time. He was riding for the Pony Express. Funny he never figured Hickok for the working kind, more likely to be heading up some gang, or a hired gun. Just went to show you never knew where you'd end up. Alec had learnt that lesson if he hadn't learned any others.

Rock Creek Jail Earlier That Day

"Hello, Teaspoon!', Rachel said coming in the door. "I brought lunch for you and Jesse."

"Why, thank you Rachel. That was might nice of ya." Teaspoon said peaking into the basket the golden haired woman put down. Rachel had once been a professional gambler and her golden haired good looks had been an asset as it distracted most men from considering her intelligence. She was now teaching school in Rock Creek and of course she had Teaspoon, Jesse, and the riders to take care of. She was their den mother of sorts, and she enjoyed the job.

(Author's Notes: Rachel Dunne first appears in the first second season episode Born To Hang. This is the same episode where Noah makes his first appearance.)

"Mmmm... smells good and probably tastes better.", Teaspoon said. The old Texas ranger got up a picked up a bent battered tin plate from atop the table in the corner wiping it off with his shirt sleeve as he did so. Then he opened up his desk and took out a slightly bent fork. Rachel looked on in horror as he started to put the fork down in a bowl of her potato salad.

"Teaspoon Hunter, Don't you dare!"

"What?", Teaspoon said in surprise.

"Don't you dare eat off of that dirty plate with that dirty fork!" Saying that she snatched them both from him. "I packed clean plates and silverware in the bottom of the basket. Where is Jesse anyway?" Rachel looked around but didn't see any trace of the troublesome young man Teaspoon had taken into his care.

(Author's Notes: Jesse James first appears in the episode Jesse where his grandfather is killed and Teaspoon takes him in.)

"Gettin' inta something he shouldn't no doubt. That boy... none of the others were ever this bad not even Jimmy."

"Its cause he's young Teaspoon. He just needs a woman's touch is all." She began to artfully arrange the table, butting down a red checkered cloth and placing the food, plates and silverware down.

"Maybe your right at that." Teaspoon gave her a speculative look. He got an idea. "Maybe you could take the boy around some Rachel. See if you can civilize the him some."

"Well, I guess I could. Let me see what I can think of." Rachel went out and called for Jesse down the street and he appeared a few minuets later looking flushed.

"What you been into Jesse?"

"Nothin' Teaspoon, just playin' checkers."

"Must have been a real excitin' checker game.", Rachel said. He smiled and nodded. Teaspoon gave him a hard, suspicious look.

"Thank Ms. Dunne before you start diggin' into her food boy." Teaspoon said to Jesse.

"Thanks Rachel, for lunch, no matter what it is it'll be better than Teaspoons cookin'."

"Jesse..." Teaspoon said warningly.

"Hmmm..." was all Rachel said as she thought about the dirty plate and fork.

"No, not napping Ike, just thinkin'. Did you have a good ride?" She noticed as she said it that Ike was shivering in his wet cloths. "Lord Ike, you better get out of those wet things before you catch your death!"

"I was just going to the bunkhouse when I saw you.", Ike signed back.

"Well, you better hurry, your shiverin' as it is." Ike smiled at her, stood up and offered his hand down.

Louise shook her head no and said, "I think I'll stay out here a little while, yet."

"Why?", Ike signed with a frown. Lou just shrugged and Ike sat back down beside her.

"Share the blanket.", Ike signed to her, without giving her much choice as he grabbed the edge of it.

"Wait!", Lou exclaimed. "If you want to share the blanket at least take off that wet shirt. I'll give you my vest to wear.", she was already taking it off to give it to him as the words left her. Ike grinned when Lou adverted her eyes. That always amused him, she was shy at the oddest times.

Ike pulled the blanket closed, but underneath his own arms, so he could "talk". "Lou, why do you look so sad?" Ike was getting more concerned for his little friend. "You've been crying.", as he reached out and wiped the tears from her face. Lou was a good friend, he talked to her about his girl problems because she always had this way of makin' him feel better about himself. If only he could get her to open up. "Will you talk to me about it? I promise I won't tell anyone, not even Buck." That was a major thing for Ike to say. He and Buck were the best of friends and seemingly had no secrets between each other. Ike had once saved Buck from being beat to death, and the two had been inseparable ever since.

"Please?", he signed when nothing was forthcoming. And then," I worry about you and I'm a really good listener." Ike cautiously reached out and stroked her hair, sometimes he could tell that Lou didn't like being touched much but tonight she seemed willin' to let him comfort her a bit.

"Thanks Ike, for carin'.", Lou rubbed his back a little. "I just got a lot on my mind's all." She moved a little closer to him and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"Kid?", Ike could figure that much out. He put his arm around her and gave her a quick hug.

"Partially.", she said trying to avoid a straight answer.

"What else?", there must be something big going on that I missed Ike thought. "Come on, I won't say anything.", he wasn't ready to give up yet.

"It's nothin'.", she said in that way that let him know she wasn't going to give in without a fight, so he tried one more time.

"Don't look like nothin' to me." The frown and trembling lip were enough to make him fold. "Alright I'll let it be, but only if you come back to the bunkhouse with me now. You'll catch your death if you stay out here much longer." Ike hadn't been able to resist throwing her own words up to her. Besides, he'd pump Buck for information later and there was always big-mouth Cody, you could depend on him to spill the beans.

Lou didn't have the fight in her tonight to argue with Ike, so she said, "Alright, Ike." Then she rose to leave, putting her hand down, to give him a hand up.

Ike stopped her at the door and rapped his arms around her. She hugged him back and then they put the blanket over their heads and made a run for the bunkhouse. The blanket didn't offer much protection. When they got inside they were both soaked. She closed her eyes and let Ike get ready first. He climbed into bed and promptly started to snore. She herself took awhile to get ready. When she did finally lay down sleep didn't come.

Alec tossed and turned unable to find comfort in the feathered bed. The rain on the roof should have lulled him to sleep but instead it reminded him of too many miserable nights spent under the stars in the poring rain. He was afraid that he'd wake up out there. It was another one of his demons. All that had happened to him. Had he been dehumanized so much that he couldn't even sleep in a bed? He didn't deserve this. He had never done anything wrong.

Relax he told himself. You're a man. No matter what anyone else has ever said. You are a man and you will reclaim your life. Defeat your demons and live again. All that stands in your way is Hickok. When he's gone the rest will follow.

Alec Kenner finally settled in. He promised himself that he wouldn't no matter what get up to wait the storm out. How could he defeat Hickok, if he couldn't even defeat himself?

Lou, contemplated the Kid's empty bunk for awhile. She wondered if he were laying in bed somewhere thinkin' of her. Not likely, Lou, if he's thinking of anyone he's thinking of Samantha. Her pride stung at the thought of her. So pretty, and ladylike. She was glad she was gone. She couldn't have stood the sight of her after what the Kid had said about her...

The petty thoughts plagued her for awhile but eventually her thoughts turned again...

Then she watched Jimmy toss and turn on his own bed. She wished she could go to him, say something, end this tension between them. She wondered if she were the cause of his restless sleep. And in the bottom of Louise's heart she hoped that she was.

Outside the storm still raged, but it was nothing to the storm in her heart.

TO CHAPTER 1

If you liked my story please drop me a line at pixedust@hotbot.com ,I'd love to hear what you thought of this story, and any suggestions or constructive criticisms you might like to share with me. Thanks for reading my story!!!

This author has a her own homepage at PixEDust's Realm.