Facing
FearsFacing
Fears
Disclaimer: The characters of The Young Riders were created for television by Ed Spielman. The series aired on ABC TELEVISION from 1989 - 1992. This story is a sequel to my stories "Acceptance", “Morning Sun”, and “Family Honor”. Thanks to my beta readers for all their help and support..
Chapter Five –
Buck woke; something had disturbed his slumber. He glanced around. The fire was still smoldering, his horse was grazing, and someone was sitting just outside the fire’s light. Buck sat up and looked across the fire; the form wavered and vanished. Buck added some more wood to the coals and once more built up a small blaze. He studied the area as he went to collect his horse which had wondered off while grazing. He led the animal back to the clearing and secured it to a tree. He felt someone watching him, but couldn’t locate anyone. Since it was a dark night, he decided to stay here instead of trying to get home. He knew Teresa would worry, but didn’t feel that injuring himself or the horse while trying to get back was worth it. He’d apologize once more for his behavior and hope she didn’t ask him to leave. This time he would try harder to explain his fears so she could understand them. He settled back down next to the fire and started to think about how he could do this. Again, as he sat and stared at the flames he let his mind drift back.
Chapter Six – Sweetwater,
As Buck stood beside the fence
watching the man who would be his new boss, he offered up a prayer that Ike
would pass his test also. They had decided to go in separately. That way one
of them might possibly be allowed to stay. They figured the other could always find some work nearby. They had decided
to go in separately because too many times they’d tried as a team only to be
turned away because the boss didn’t like Indians, or wasn’t interested in hiring
a freak.
Buck stood thinking about
the excitement this job would offer when he heard, “What is your name? Well,
speak up, Boy.” He glanced down the row to see Teaspoon Hunter waiting for Ike
to answer.
“His name’s Ike McSwain,”
Buck said. “He’s real good around horses.” So much for being separate he thought.
“Why ain’t he answering?”
asked Teaspoon.
“He doesn’t talk,” replied
Buck. “He hears, but he can’t talk.”
“That true?” Teaspoon asked
Ike.
Ike nodded.
Buck tensed. This is where
it would happen. They’d be asked to leave.
“So, how’s he know what you
want?” Teaspoon asked Ike as he pointed to Buck.
Buck started to relax as Ike
signed, *He taught me to use my hands to speak.*
Teaspoon nodded. “Indian sign. So, you’re good with horses, huh?”
Ike nodded and grinned.
Buck relaxed. They’d both
made it. There was no way anyone turned Ike away from a job with animals once
they’d seen him work.
It was amazing how quickly
the other riders, Emma, and Teaspoon managed to pick up enough sign to understand
Ike when he spoke. It was also amazing how quickly this little group of misfits
adapted into a family of sorts. They had a few rough spots to work through at
first, and the fact that his brother decided to declare war on the pony express
hadn’t helped. But they had made it past that, and Buck felt like he had finally
found a place where he belonged. He no longer had to prove himself; he could
just be. Maybe that’s what allowed him to get involved with Kathleen.
Chapter Seven –
A sound brought Buck back to the present. He realized that it was thanks to Ike and the others he’d even made it past the disaster of Kathleen Devlin. He’d been able to regroup, overcome, and continue his life. Without the support of his pony express family he wasn’t sure what he would have done.
I slowly dawned on him that if Ike hadn’t been in his life he most likely would have died or gone back to the Kiowa much earlier – possibly upon leaving the mission.
He smiled to himself as he tried to envision that life. It would have been much closer to the one he’d had before leaving the first time than it was to the one he had enjoyed after the pony express. He wouldn’t have been given the opportunity to prove himself worthy. The others would have done their best to keep him from training as a warrior. He could possibly have been little more than a slave despite the fact that his brother was a man of importance. Buck sighed as he realized that he had never managed to get Red Bear to see how the others truly felt about him.
Buck realized that the answer to his problem would be so simple if Ike were still here. He settled himself for the night and once again turned his thoughts to his friend – What would Ike advise him to do? How would Ike handle this situation? As he drifted off to sleep, he noticed someone sitting on the other side of the fire. He sat up, and was surprised to see Ike.
“How?” Buck asked.
Ike shrugged. *Dreams are
often unexplainable.*
Buck nodded. “I miss you.”
*I know. That’s why I’m here.*
“Really?” asked Buck.
Ike nodded.
“I wish things could have
happened differently,” Buck sighed.
*I don’t,* replied Ike. *If
they had, you wouldn’t have your family, and they make you happy. I know because
I watch you.*
“I might still have. . .”
Buck started but stopped when he looked at Ike. He knew Ike was correct; he
wouldn’t be here if Ike hadn’t died. He’d never have gone back to the Kiowa,
met Firebird, lost her, met Anne Marie, left her, found
Teresa. He sighed.
“I still miss you,” he said.
*Do you think your life would
be better if things were different? If I hadn’t died?* Ike asked.
Buck shrugged. “I never really
thought about it.”
*Do,* suggested Ike. *Where
would you be if I was still living?*
Without hesitation Buck answered,
“With you.”
*What if I was with Emily?
That relationship had the potential to become serious, even permanent.* Ike
continued.
“I’d still be with you,” Buck
said. “We’d be in some type of business together, or I’d be working for you.”
Ike nodded. *Who would you
be with besides me?*
Buck shrugged. “There might
have been someone.”
Ike grinned, *Maybe, but do
you really think there is someone else as right for you as Teresa?*
Buck smile as he thought of
his wife. After a few seconds, he shook his head, “No.”
*Do you think you would have
found her if you were my business partner, or hired hand?* Ike pushed.
Buck thought for a few minutes before responding,
“No, I might have run into her again because of Lou, but I wouldn’t have been
willing to stay here. I wouldn’t have wanted to let you down.” He sighed.
“Still, I wish. . .”
Ike held up his hand. *Don’t,* he signed. *Don’t keep wishing things were different.
Remember how things were – really were. You were never this content, this settled.
You need to let go, stop looking back.*
Buck stopped trying to argue.
Ike was right; he was happier now then he’d ever been. That was part of the
problem; he felt guilty about feeling so good. He grinned and shook his head.
“You’re right, as usual.”
Ike smiled back. *I know.
Enjoy it and stop trying to ruin it. Stop waiting for it to go away. Go home
and be with your family, quit using me as a reason to be unhappy.*
Ike started to fade as the early morning light chased away the darkness of night.
Buck stood and moved toward where Ike had been only to be greeted by
Teaspoon.
”Morning,” said Teaspoon handing Buck a cup of coffee. “Interesting
dream?”
Buck accepted the drink and nodded.
“Your wife’s a bit worried. Thought maybe you run off for good when you didn’t show up last night. Care to explain?”
“I just needed to think,” said Buck as he sat back down. “I’ve been a little depressed lately. Seeing everyone else having such a good time only made it worse. I didn’t want to ruin the fun for anyone so I left. I never meant to make her worry.”
“You do this sort of thing often?” Teaspoon asked as he stirred up the coals of the fire.
“Not until recently, but then I haven’t been acting like myself lately,” Buck replied. He thought back to his behavior since Isaac Nicholas and Anne Marie had come to live with them. He had really hoped that they would slip into his life without incident, but their presence kept pulling up old, painful memories. He realized that this feeling had started shortly after their decision to stay. The fact that they had been accepted by his family and had accepted his family so easily in return had started this whole mess. He wished he could put it into words.
“Why’s that?” asked Teaspoon.
Buck hesitated. What could he say that made any sense?
When Buck didn’t answer right away, Teaspoon pushed, “Well?”
Buck dropped his gaze to the ground and whispered the only explanation he had, “Things are going too good.”
“What?” quizzed Teaspoon.
“Never in my life have things been this good for this long. In the village someone was always there to remind me that my life was supposed to be hard and unhappy. When I finally managed to get something to work for me, it was taken away,” Buck replied.
“Can you explain more?” asked Teaspoon concerned at the anguish Buck was expressing.
Buck took a deep breath and nodded. “Life was rough in the village, but when Little Bird arrived things changed. When I spent time with her, the other boys didn’t pick on me as much. Then the council decided we could marry, and things were even better; I was included in things for the boys preparing to be men. Two weeks later, she was gone, my mother was dead, and I was blamed. I’d allowed myself to be happy and was punished for it.” He stopped speaking and looked at Teaspoon. The concern he saw on Teaspoon’s face gave him the courage to continue. “I left the village to find her or die trying and accidentally ended up at the mission school. Life there wasn’t much better than it had been at the village until the day Ike decided to save me. We became friends and things were better until we left the mission. Then wherever we went, people would ridicule or beat us. Sometimes it was because of him, sometimes me, sometimes both of us. We finally found the Pony Express. Once again I started to feel happy, and then the Kiowa declared war on the Pony Express. After the way everyone reacted when I went to see Red Bear, I realized that the other riders didn’t really trust me. When the Kiowa captured Ike and I managed to get him back, that feeling of being distrusted finally passed; I’d proven myself to my brother and things were going well with the express. Then I met Kathleen. . .” he paused again.
Teaspoon took this opportunity to speak, “So, every time something good has happened it’s been followed by something bad?”
Buck nodded.
“I hate to tell you this, Son, but that’s just life,” Teaspoon said.
Again Buck nodded. “I know that, but for me the better the good is the worse the bad is. It’s not like things are going well and then all of a sudden my luck changes and I lose some money or a job. People die – my mother, Ike, Firebird, my son. It scares me to be this happy because it’s going to cost too much. I can’t afford the price for so much happiness. I don’t deserve. . .”
“Says who?” interrupted Teaspoon.
Buck just looked at him.
“I asked you a question,” said Teaspoon. “Who says you don’t deserve to be happy?”
“Everyone,” Buck finally replied softly.
“No everyone,” corrected Teaspoon. “I think you deserve all the happiness you can find. You ask anyone else who really knows you and I bet they tell you the same thing. You need to quit worrying about something that may not come and enjoy what you have.”
Buck sat staring at the fire. “That’s what Ike said.”
“What?” asked Teaspoon somewhat surprised.
“To enjoy now and quit trying to ruin it,” said Buck.
“Your dream?” asked Teaspoon with a smile.
Buck nodded.
“Strange,” said Teaspoon. “Dreaming about Ike’s what brought me here. He told me you needed guidance and that I was the only one alive who could give it to you. Guess he’s still looking out for you.”
Buck smiled slightly and sighed, “Guess so.”
“So you’d best be doing what he says,” remarked Teaspoon. “You of all people should know the importance of listening to the messages sent to you in a dream. Besides, you wouldn’t want to upset him.”
Buck stood. “I guess it’s time I stop worrying about things I can’t control and just enjoy the things I have.”
Teaspoon joined him. “I couldn’t have said it better myself,” he replied as they both mounted their horses and headed back home.