Facing
FearsFacing
Fears
Disclaimer: The characters of The Young Riders were created for television by Ed Spielman. The series aired on ABC TELEVISION from 1989 - 1992. This story is a sequel to my stories "Acceptance", “Morning Sun”, and “Family Honor”. Thanks to my beta readers for all their help and support..
Prologue –
Teaspoon Hunter awoke with a start. One of his boys was in trouble. It was a good thing Kid and Lou had given him a reason to go visit, else he’d have to make up an excuse as to why he needed to travel all that way. As much as Polly loved him, he wasn’t sure she’d be willing to travel hundreds of miles because he had a disturbing dream. Going to see a baby was a whole other story. He’d suggest they leave as soon as possible once she woke up this morning. That way he’d be sure to arrive in time.
Chapter One –
Buck Cross watched from the shadows of the barn doors as his family and friends celebrated the christening of, Benjamin Noah, Lou and Kid’s son. He wished he could shake the feeling of dread that had been haunting him these past few weeks and join in. Everyone was there: Teaspoon and Polly, Rachael, Sam and Emma, Cody. Even Jimmy had managed to stop by. Buck sighed and started toward the party; he should at least make an attempt to appear happy. He owed that much to Teresa.
As he walked across the yard, he caught a glimpse of Jeremiah and Anne-Marie out of the corner of his eye. Their laughter mingled with that of Teaspoon and stopped Buck cold. Teaspoon had wanted to talk to him; Buck had managed to avoid him so far. He didn’t want to have to try and explain himself – not to Teaspoon. Buck wasn’t sure he could take the disappointment he knew would be there. He turned and went back to the barn where his horse waited. He knew his leaving would worry Teresa, but his present mood would also upset her. He couldn’t shake the feeling of impending doom, and he wasn’t ready to try and explain this to Teresa. He decided to leave instead of trying again; she had taken to saying his fears were uncalled for.
At first, she had tried, but she just couldn’t comprehend the overwhelming sense of dread he felt as his life continued to get better. The fact that Isaac Nicholas and Anne-Marie were settling in well and that Isaac had no problems accepting Buck as his father, even after they had first tried to say he wasn’t, only heightened Buck’s fear. Things were too good – the balance of things was going to have to be restored and he wasn’t sure he could handle the required payment.
He walked his horse out of the barn and around to the back side of the building. When he was out of sight of the party, he quickly mounted and rode off into the moonlit night. He soon reached a small grove of trees on the edge of their property farthest from town. There was a creek nearby and the place offered isolation and privacy. Buck had built a sweat lodge, and set up a prayer circle here shortly after his arrival in town almost ten years ago. He had visited it quiet frequently at first, but during the past few years the visits had dropped to almost non-existent – until last month. He’d been here almost every night since the day they’d told Isaac the truth. That’s when the feeling of doom had intensified.
He dismounted, turned the horse loose to graze, built a small fire, and sat staring at the blaze. He allowed his mind to travel where it would. Maybe if he didn’t try to catch it, the reason for this feeling of despair would show itself. So he sat, staring at the flames, remembering other fires . . .
Chapter Two –
Buck sat staring at the small fire outside his home. The sadness brought on by the death of his friends still weighed heavy on his heart. He had hoped returning to the Kiowa would make the void less noticeable. It hadn’t, except when he spent time with Firebird. She managed to make him forget his aloneness for hours on end.
“What troubles you, my brother,” Red Bear asked as he joined Buck.
“Nothing. Everything. Life,” answered Buck as he threw a small twig into the fire. He noticed the smile of Red Bear’s face.
“Why do you laugh?” Buck asked.
“Because you are always so serious,” Red Bear answered. “Besides I bring news that should make even you smile.”
Buck looked up. “They’ve decided?” he asked hopefully.
Red Bear nodded. “The council of elders gives their blessing to the union of my brother, Running Buck, and Yellow Dog’s niece, Firebird. You shall be wed in three day’s time.”
Buck smiled at Red Bear. “Thank you.”
“All I did was send my adopted daughter to live with a different family when my brother returned home,” Red Bear said. “Yellow Dog made the request on your behalf. He told them that you had offered a fair gift and he was pleased. He gave no objection – no one did. They all saw the wisdom of this union. No other man could tame her the way you have.”
“She knows?” Buck asked.
“Yellow Dog went to tell her at the same time I came here,” Red Bear said with a grin.
Buck stood and went toward Yellow Dog’s home. As he approached, the door covering flew open and Firebird stepped out. She saw him immediately and ran to him, “They said, ‘yes’!” she smiled as she threw her arms around him.
Buck hugged her to him and then pushed her away so he could see her face. “I know,” he replied sternly. “Now I must work out the final arrangements with Yellow Dog, and you must go prepare. I will see you at sunrise in three days.”
Firebird nodded solemnly. “I am sorry if I have brought you shame by my outburst,” she said. “I was just so happy.”
“You have done nothing wrong,” Buck replied. “You just need to try and stay calm until after the service.” He winked at her and entered Yellow Dog’s home.
Three days later, Buck felt like things couldn’t possibly get better in his life. He had a beautiful new bride, he was finally accepted into the tribe, and he was genuinely happy. He did not realize what true happiness was until Firebird shared the news that she was to bear him a child. This had brought with it a whole new level of elation.
“You must be careful,” Buck told Firebird as she attempted to maneuver her way around their small dwelling.
“I am fine,” she snapped. “I am just tired of being told what to do.”
“The shaman said. . .” Buck started.
“I don’t care,” Firebird interrupted. “I can still prepare a meal for my husband. I am not helpless. I . . .” She stopped speaking and doubled over in pain.
“You need to be careful,” Buck said as he tenderly helped her to lie down. He did his best to ease the pain. When it didn’t lessen, he made her as comfortable as he could and went for the medicine man.
Buck sat once more staring into a fire. He feared the news he would hear, and silently berated himself for letting Firebird down. Red Bear joined Buck, but this time he didn’t tease his brother. He sat silently offering support; he wasn’t sure how much more Running Buck could stand to lose before it harmed him. He hoped they wouldn’t find out tonight, but he feared they would. His wife had shared an unpleasant dream with him – he feared it was now coming true.
Firebird’s cries broke the silence. Buck jumped up and Red Bear stopped him from entering the teepee. “She needs me,” Buck insisted as he attempted to push past his brother.
“She needs White
As Buck looked at Red Bear, the fear in his eyes shook Red Bear to his core. “I can’t lose her,” Buck said. “I can’t go through that again. I’m not strong enough to be alone again.”
“You aren’t alone,” Red Bear said.
Buck sank to the ground. Red Bear
sat next to him offering what little comfort he could. They both stiffened when
White
Buck went inside his home. Firebird lay holding a small baby boy. Buck sat beside her. “He’s beautiful,” Buck said.
She smiled weakly, “I am sorry.”
“Why?” Buck asked as he gently stroked her face.
“He is dying,” she replied. “If I hadn’t been so headstrong. . .”
“This isn’t your fault,” Buck cut her off. He tenderly stroked his son’s cheek.
Firebird smiled again, “Why don’t you hold him?”
Buck carefully picked up the tiny baby. He sat holding him, watching as he struggled for breath. After a few seconds, Buck helped Firebird sit so they could hold him together. They sat wrapped in each other’s arms with their son cradled between them. That’s how Red Bear found them the next morning – Buck hugging his no longer breathing wife and son.
The next few months were a blur to Buck. One day he had everything; the next – nothing. No one could bring him out of his depression. He took to wearing his white man’s clothing and going into the neighboring towns to drink.
“This must stop,” Red Bear told Buck as he picked his drunken brother up from the ground. “If you cannot start being useful to the village you will have to leave.”
Buck managed to stand on his own. “When have I ever been considered useful to the village?” he asked with a laugh. “The people here have always only tolerated me because of you.” He stumbled to his dwelling and fell inside.
Red Bear followed him. He pulled him to the sleeping area and let him drop. He looked around the teepee. It was a shambles. This would not do. The morale of the village was being affected. Red Bear began to gather the strewn belongings together. That evening, when Buck awoke he was met by the council leaders. “Your behavior after the death of your wife and child was at first excusable, but it has been going on too long. You must leave before you bring more wickedness to this village. Your possessions have already been placed on your horse. Go now, and never return.”
Buck looked at the men before him. His gaze came to rest on his brother’s face. When he saw the sadness and disappointment there, he knew he must leave. To try and stay would be pointless. There was nothing for him here; even Red Bear’s support was wearing thin and could no longer be counted on to keep him out of trouble. Buck nodded his understanding and turned to leave. As he passed Red Bear, he paused, “I am sorry.”
He took his few possessions and went back into the white world. A world where the pain he was so obviously meant to have in his life would be gladly provided by everyone around. This was even truer now since he had turned into a no good drunk.
Chapter Three –
Buck shook these thought away. They were not where his answer was to be found. He’d left the village behind him for good that time. He couldn’t go back again – ever. The fact had been made quite clear upon his departure. He’d brought shame upon Red Bear with his behavior. The village was no longer a welcome retreat. The answer to overcoming his fears was to be found somewhere else.
Buck stood to stretch the kinks out of his muscles. He must have been here longer than he’d realized. He checked his horse; it was still grazing nearby. He gathered some twigs, built up his fire, and once more turned his gaze to the flames. As he let his mind again roam free, he offered up a prayer that the spirits would provide him with an answer to his dilemma. He allowed his mind to revisit memories he had long ago tried to shut away because of the pain they caused. He traveled there this time because that is where the spirits led him. As he reawakened old memories, he fell into a restless slumber.
Chapter Four – Our Lady of
Buck Cross had recently been promoted to the class taught by Sister Mary Frances. He was moved up in order to be with the boys his own age, but Buck had to spend extra time working on his studies to catch up with the other students’ academic skills. He gladly spent his afternoons in the Mother Superior’s office working. It kept him away from the other children who liked to pick on him and it meant he didn’t have to try and convince the other nuns that it wasn’t his fault when something went wrong. He was doing well with his lessons, but he still had trouble saying the English words. He understood them, could read them silently, could write them, but the sounds were still strange to him so he had difficulty saying them. As he sat working on his figuring, Sister Margaret drug a struggling Ike into the room, and sat him in the chair next to Buck. “If he tries to get away, stop him,” she said as she left to go find Sister Mary Francis, the Mother Superior.
Buck watched her leave. He wasn’t quite sure who the instructions had been given to. Did she mean he was supposed to keep this boy here, or the other way round? He looked at his companion; the boy glared back at him almost daring Buck to try something. Buck remembered hearing stories about this boy and seeing him chase the younger students. He decided to not believe all he had heard. He noticed the boy was bleeding. “Are you alright?” he asked pointing to the cut.
The other child just continued to stare.
Buck put aside his slate and stood. When the other boy didn’t react, he decided the instructions must have been meant for him. He crossed the room to the wash stand where he found a cloth. He poured some water on it and turned to go back and tend the cut on this boy’s head. As he approached, the look on the boy’s face changed from one of defiance to dread and disgust.
Buck froze. He’d only wanted to help. He could feel his own face change; he made it go blank – void of emotion. He tossed the rag to the boy and returned to his lesson. If this boy was going to be the same as all the others despite the fact that they all disliked him also, Buck wasn’t going to give him anything to use as a means of causing trouble.
The boy took the damp cloth and looked at it as if he was trying to decide if it could hurt him. Finally, he tried to clean the cut on his forehead, but he kept missing it.
Buck feigned disinterest. Really, he wanted to try again to see if possibly he could make a friend here. He had just decided to make another attempt when Sister Margaret came back with Sister Mary Francis. “He was fighting with the older boys again. I didn’t know where else to take him,” Sister Margaret said.
Sister Mary Francis asked, “Are you sure he wasn’t just defending himself?” as she crossed the room to where the boys sent.
She turned to Buck. “Have you two met before?”
Buck shook his head.
“Then let me introduce you. You two could possibly be friends; you’re both around the same age. Come on over here,” Sister Mary Francis said.
Buck stood and went to join here. “I don’t think he wants a friend,” he said.
“What makes you say that?” she asked as she took the cloth from Ike.
“I watch him,” said Buck. He decided not to mention the incident before.
“You mean the way he acts in the play yard?” she asked.
Buck nodded.
She smiled. “I’d think that too if I didn’t know better. Please take this and rewet it for me.
Buck took the cloth and rinsed it in the wash bowl. “I try to help before,” he said as he worked.
Sister Mary Francis turned to Sister Margaret. “Thank you for bringing Ike to me. We’ll take it from here; you may go back to your students.”
Sister Margaret nodded and left the room. Buck returned the cloth to Sister Mary Francis and started to return to his chair. She took it from him, “Thank you, Mr. Cross. Please, stay by me.”
She turned to Ike, “Now then, Mr. McSwain, let me see the damage.” Ike let her check his head and clean the cut. “You didn’t let Mr. Cross here help you earlier, did you?”
Ike shook his head.
“Did you give him the ‘keep your filthy hands off me’ glare?”
Ike nodded.
“No wonder he thinks you like not having any friends,” she sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. You keep this behavior up much longer and I won’t be able to stop them from sending you away. Do you really want to go to the asylum?”
Ike looked at her and again shook his head. He didn’t want to leave here, but he didn’t want to get hurt badly again either. The only way he had of keeping the other children from picking on him too much was by acting insane. If they were afraid of him, they would leave him alone for the most part.
Buck watched this exchange with interest. The boy seemed to understand Sister Mary Francis. He decided that what the others said about him was wrong. This boy wasn’t stupid or crazy, just scared. He knew how it felt to be all alone; maybe Sister Mary Francis was right and he could help.
“Sister,” he said. “What his name?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Sister Mary Francis said. “Buck Cross, this is Ike McSwain. Ike can hear you just fine, but he doesn’t speak. We aren’t sure why; we just know that he doesn’t.”
She turned to face Ike. “Do you mind if I tell him about you?”
Ike shrugged.
“Ike has experienced some rather bad things in his young life. I’m not sure if he spoke before or not, but he hasn’t said anything the past two years. Unfortunately, the way he keeps himself safe is to keep himself isolated from everyone he comes in contact with. You’ve experience that for yourself.”
Buck nodded. He understood the desire to stay safe. He too was keeping himself isolated from the others. He’d just chosen a different way to go about it.