BROKEN
PROMISESBROKEN
PROMISES
Jane was settled in Rachel’s house, feeding her infant daughter. Buck and Teaspoon had remained in the yard, joined by the rest of the riders, who watched the drama unfolding from various positions on the porch and steps. Teaspoon shooed them all off to do chores, gave the situation what he thought was a reasonable amount of time, then pushed Buck towards the house. “Go talk to her, son.”
Buck swallowed hard and began the trek toward the front door. He had thought he would have several days before facing the mother of his child, plenty of time to figure out what to say. But he also knew that he could have had a lifetime to work it out and he would be as tongue tied and empty headed as he was at that moment. The door loomed before him and he knocked softly, secretly hoping that no one would hear and he could return to stand with Teaspoon and wait, just a little longer. But the door opened and Rachel ushered him into the darkened living area of the house, excusing herself in the process. He was alone with Jane and their infant daughter
The look in Jane’s eyes held him standing, his back pressed against the door. The look was wary but above all he sensed hurt and anger. He had a lot of explaining to do and he knew he had no explanation to give. She dropped her eyes to the child at her breast, the smile that lit her face tugging at his heart. “Her name is Hannah. I named her after my mother,” she said softly.
“Hannah,” Buck repeated under his breath. Jane looked up at him again, the wariness and hurt still evident in her face but tempered by an obvious joy.
“She was born nine weeks ago. She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Buck ventured towards her, sinking to one knee before mother and child. He couldn’t keep a proud grin from his face.
“Yes, she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” He reached a hand out to stroke the tiny head. “Why didn’t you tell me?” The joy vanished from Jane’s face, instantly replaced by seething anger. She jerked the baby away from Buck’s hand placing her against her shoulder.
“I would have, if you’d come back like you promised.” Buck dropped his eyes to stare at the floor. It didn’t help, her anger was so hot he could feel it burning in the air between them.
“I’m sorry,” was all he could think of to say.
“Sure you are.” She clasped the baby tightly to her chest and pulled herself to her feet sweeping past Buck where he still knelt on the floor and out of the door without pausing to look back. Buck sighed heavily and pushed himself painfully to his feet suddenly overcome by the events of the night and morning. The darkened room swam before his eyes and he found himself back on the floor on both knees clutching the seat of the chair still warm from where Jane had been sitting, trying to keep from losing his stomach. Rachel found him there, dropping to his side, worry creasing her brow.
“Are you okay? Do you need help?” He could only shake his head not trusting his stomach to answer in words. She helped him anyway, keeping a steadying hand under his elbow.
Once on his feet, he managed a weak smile and a few words of assurance. “I’m okay, just movin’ a little slow.” He looked out of the front window where he could see Jane join Teaspoon in the yard. He followed, Rachel still hovering close behind. He reached the two in time to hear Jane announce that she would be staying at the hotel for a few days before starting back.
“You can’t be thinkin’ of travelin’ alone with that baby?” Teaspoon asked.
Buck felt an instant panic set in. The thought of her leaving and taking his daughter with her filled him with a sense of emptiness and loss. “Jane, just wait a minute, we have to talk,” he broke in. She ignored him addressing Teaspoon’s question instead.
“No, I’m not. My husband will be meeting me tomorrow or the next day and we will go back together.” Buck felt as if someone had punched him hard in the stomach.
“Husband?” She turned towards him at last, the anger in her eyes still flashing.
“Yes, my husband.” Buck felt a flush of anger of his own heat the blood in his veins and feed harsh words that tumbled uncontrolled from his lips.
“My promise? You throw my promise at me and walk out, but what about your promise? You said you’d wait for me. Forever I think you said. So tell me, just how long is forever? A week? A month? Tell me, I’d sure like to know for future reference,” he demanded, a sarcastic edge to his voice.
“What was I supposed to do Buck? I had a child to think of,” she shot back.
“You could have told me! I would have helped!” Their angry voices filled the yard bringing Jimmy from the barn and Kid from the corral to watch.
“Oh, you would have helped. What would have helped was if you’d kept your promise and come like you’d said you would!”
There was nothing he could say to that. He hadn’t come. His mind groped for something, anything that would allay the guilt that was threatening to overwhelm his righteous anger. All at once it came to him and his eyes focused back on her flushed and furious face as he hissed, “So why did you send her to me if you so obviously don’t want or need me?” Jane immediately shifted the baby from one shoulder to the other, and began to fiddle with the infant’s blanket, anxious to avoid Buck’s steady gaze. “Well?”
She couldn’t escape and so dropped the pretense of adjusting the blanket, faced Buck squarely and answered, “I didn’t. My husband’s brother took her. He thought that she was getting between my husband and me and he knew that you rode for the Express out of Sweetwater. He just wanted us to have a little time together without Hannah. He just wasn’t thinking.”
“No kidding,” Buck snorted, once again on the offensive. “So you’re married, married to someone whose family doesn’t want your daughter. Does that sound real smart to you?”
“Don’t you judge me, Buck Cross, don’t you dare try to judge me!” She spat at him, placing her free hand on her hip, fire shooting from her eyes. Teaspoon had been standing back, quietly observing the escalating exchange between the couple. He chose that moment to step between them placing a hand gently on Buck’s chest and one on Jane’s shoulder.
“I think what this situation needs is a little bit of assimilatin’ time. Buck, I got things I need you to do to help me in town today. And Jane, please let us extend a little hospitality. I can’t imagine sending you off to a hotel when Rachel has room up at the house. Please, stay with us here, it’s the very least we can offer you.” Rachel had joined the three and added her invitation with a warm and welcoming smile that would have been impossible to refuse. Jane didn’t and the two women and child were soon on their way to the house, Rachel carrying Jane’s saddlebag. Teaspoon waited until they were inside before ordering the onlookers back to their chores and turning accusing eyes to Buck.
“You got no business going at it this way, boy. Yes, I know you’re upset but this isn’t just about you, remember that. That baby’s got to be the first thing you think of and trying to understand her mama is probably the best way to do that.” He had wanted to give Buck a good hard talking to knowing that following on what had already transpired between them earlier that morning that he might be able to soften up the stubborn streak that served as one of Buck’s greatest strengths but was also his greatest weakness. It was at this moment fully capable of harming the three players in this tragedy immeasurably. He also felt, just from this brief encounter with Jane, that she had the potential to be as obstinate as Buck, which furthered the need for Buck to learn how to bend a little. The young man’s face paled suddenly though and Teaspoon was instantly reminded that he was only recently back from death’s door.
“You okay?” Buck nodded. The older man knew that it was pointless to ask, once again, the double edged sword of stubbornness that held the boy together through hardship also made him refuse to admit any weakness, even when sheer willpower was the only thing keeping him going. Teaspoon caught sight of Rachel waving to him from the porch. She pointed to Buck who had his back towards her and tapped her chest.
“What do you want me to do, Teaspoon?” Teaspoon cocked his head as he observed the young man standing before him, kicking at dirt with his boot, barely hiding his hurt, anger and frustration.
“I want you to go in that bunkhouse and lay down and just think about what’s gone on here. I think you need some quiet time and there ain’t nothin’ that the other boys can’t help me with this morning.” Buck started to argue but all at once relented. Teaspoon could see the anger leave him as his shoulders sagged and he trudged exhausted back to the bunkhouse, defeated. The same feeling descended on Teaspoon as the relief that he had felt just a few short hours before evaporated, replaced once again with worry as his triumph of the morning turned once more into tribulation.
Kid waited until Teaspoon had left before he snuck into the bunkhouse to see Buck. He found him lying stiffly on his bed staring at the ceiling. He made his way to his own former bunk, sitting on the edge facing his friend. Buck gave him a passing glance then returned to stare sullenly at nothing.
“You want to talk?” It was the only thing he had to offer. There were certainly no easy words to say that would make this problem go away, but he wanted Buck to know he was there, just like Buck had been for him. In fact, the last several weeks had been difficult with Buck injured and unavailable and Kid’s life suddenly spiraling into disaster. He shook himself, knowing how much he wanted to talk to Buck about what he was facing but knowing also that this time he needed to be the one to listen.
“No. I got nothin’ to say,” was his friend’s response.
“Don’t get mad at me, I didn’t yell at you or tell you you messed up. I’m just here to help.” He could hear clearly the sound of Buck’s sigh.
“I’m not mad at you. I just don’t want to talk about it right now.” Buck sat up slowly, put his feet on the floor, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. “Don’t know what to say.” Kid felt a surge of remorse that he’d even considered discussing his problems with Buck, his friend had burdens of his own that right now seemed to be more than he could bear. They sat in silence for several minutes. Kid trying to think of something he could offer, words of wisdom, consolation, anything, but silence was all he had to give, silence and companionship. He moved to sit beside Buck on his bunk, leaning forward mirroring Buck’s defeated posture.
“I understand, but I want you to know that when you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen. I’m going out to the ranch. I need a little thinking time myself and there’s so much to do out there, and its quiet, no Cody or Jimmy or Rachel…”
“Or Lou?” Kid’s head jerked at the name and he gave Buck a sideways glance. “I may have been out of it the last few weeks Kid, but I’m not dead. I don’t know what’s happened between you two but I would have thought that almost losing her would have made you closer not pushed you further apart. What’s going on?” Kid had to hold his breath to keep from speaking the words that had been swirling around in his insides for weeks now with no release. His silence pulled Buck around to face him. “Well?” Kid forced a grim half-smile to his lips.
“I don’t think I want to talk about it right now.” Buck matched Kid’s smile as he acknowledged the common ground between them.
“Maybe I will come out to the ranch,” he said, “I’d like a chance to do something and if I so much as lift a spoon around here I have five people telling me to put it down, rest, rest, rest. I’m so sick of resting, I’m gonna go crazy if I don’t do something.”
“I’ll hide you in the back of the wagon if you want?” The half smile turned to a warm one and Buck chuckled at the thought.
“Later, I think I just might take you up on it. Thanks Kid. I mean it.” Kid slapped him gently on the back and stood to go.
“Offer’s always open. Don’t imagine either of us could find ourselves in a bigger mess than we are. Like Teaspoon says, we need to stick together.”
After Kid left, Buck lay back on his bed and returned to gazing at the ceiling of the bunkhouse that he had become so very familiar with these last few weeks. He had never been so sick of a view in his life. But he couldn’t argue that he was tired and pained. He accepted his weakened state if only because acceptance led him to fight against it, working daily to improve his stamina. But the pain he was feeling had moved from his chest to his heart and was completely beyond his control. He couldn’t close his eyes without seeing Jane’s face so full of anger, betrayal, and hatred, pure hatred of him.
What had he thought she would feel? Did he think she would forgive him, as if nothing had happened between them? He had claimed her virginity, what should have been a most precious gift and had treated her like a common whore. He had lied to her, had said he loved her and then after he got what he wanted from her he had moved on. That would have been her interpretation of events and without any better explanation coming from his lips, how could he have expected anything else? He deserved whatever thoughts she had for him. But it didn’t look as if she’d let those thoughts hold her back, and he was happy for that, that was what he had wanted for her. She had moved on with her life just fine, it seemed.
The hot blood of pure jealousy coursed through his veins, making a liar out of him. His heart began to pound so hard he could feel it in his head and it made him sick inside. She had moved on, and now another man was touching her as he had touched her, another man comforted her when she was alone and frightened, shared her joys and dreams, cradled Buck’s daughter in his arms. He should be happy, it was exactly what he had wanted, but the moan that filled the room spoke of pain and anguish and jealousy and sorrow.
He turned on his stomach and buried his face in his pillow wishing he could drown out these thoughts in his head; that he could somehow take himself back in time. He would go so far back that he would still be with the Kiowa. Then he wouldn’t know of any of this pain, he wouldn’t have lost Ike, he would never have had him to lose. He wouldn’t be faced with this awful choice of whether to go to his brother or stay with his family, this choice that hung over him like a sword ready to slice him in half once he made his decision. He would never have met Jane. And there would be no Hannah. If he had never left the Kiowa, he would never have known these people or these feelings and he would not be facing this grinding, heart stomping loss. Maybe this was his revelation, his epiphany; he should never have left and he should return to them now.
Buck grabbed the sides of his bed with both hands feeling the room begin to spin around him. He cracked an eye, lighting on a mop bucket that Rachel had left in a corner of the room. He was on his knees before it heaving uncontrollably, wondering if he could vomit long and hard enough to rid himself of this wretched soul of his.
Lou passed the mochila off to Cody with a tired salute. “Welcome home,” he called over his shoulder as he sped away, “you won’t believe what’s happened!” She scrunched her face trying to make out his words then turned and trotted slowly towards the station not sure if she would be facing good news or bad. She wasn’t interested in anything tarnishing the satisfied glow she was basking in. She had relished this time riding hard and free, remembering what it had been like to be self sufficient, dirty, but successful. The time alone had also given her a chance to sort through her thoughts, away from the total lack of privacy she had at the station. The end result had been a renewed inner strength and confidence. And she had made a decision. She wasn’t going to let Kid use his anger with her and her behavior as an excuse for his own. Things were going to have to change between them if only because she couldn’t stand this silent treatment anymore.
She trotted into the station yard surprised to find it empty and still. No one came to meet her, to help her with her horse or check that she had had a good ride. That was unusual. They had always made it a point to send one off with a pat on the back and welcome the other with a helping hand and sometimes more if exhaustion had turned the tired rider’s legs to straw. She wasn’t that tired, she argued to herself as she dropped like a brick from her mount, weary to the bone. She was just out of practice, that was all, even though she hadn’t pushed herself nearly as hard as she used to. There wasn’t any reason to, no one to impress anymore, in fact, the telegraph had arrived in the next town over and there had been nothing, not one piece of mail to pick up and deliver from that spot. She had followed in the shadow of those lines almost all of the way back home and she knew it was only a matter of days before they would arrive in Rock Creek. The end was near.
She looped Lightning’s reins around the corral fence and stuck her head in the barn calling for Kid or Teaspoon or Buck, anyone? She noted Katy’s empty stall, feeling a sudden emptiness herself. No one answered and she headed out towards the house. She heard a sound as she passed in front of the bunkhouse and she turned her steps in that direction. She entered to find Buck sprawled in a corner of the room, arms wrapped around a bucket, sick as a dog. She rushed to his side, gathering his hair away from his face with one hand, pulling a handkerchief from her pocket with the other, to wipe his brow.
“I guess this explains why you weren’t there to meet me.” He gave her a weak and apologetic smile before an attack of dry heaves claimed his concentration. Lou became concerned, he looked so pale and seemed quite ill. She also had an attack of the guilts knowing that she had been experiencing a flip flopping stomach for days now but hadn’t said anything to anyone and hadn’t been careful about being around Buck. She began to fear that maybe she had passed something on to him, in his weakened state he would be highly susceptible to whatever she might be carrying. She patted his shoulder and pulled her weary self to her feet. “I’m gonna go get Rachel, I’ll be right back.” Buck managed to grab hold of the back of her pants leg almost dumping her to the floor as he did. She knelt back at his side and gazed into his eyes. “What? I’ll be right back, I promise.” He shook his head weakly.
“No, please, stay. Don’t want Rachel to know, she won’t let me out of bed for a week. I’m just tired and I ate too fast, that’s all. Please?” Lou wrinkled her brow not sure that this was such a good idea, but he seemed desperate to have her stay or maybe just desperate not to have Rachel find out. She sat down next to him again and he breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m better now, really,” he said, just before throwing up again. But that had been the last time and she was finally able to help him back to his bunk. She got him a glass of water then sat on the edge of his bed helping him drink. He was so proud and stubborn and had had a terrible time the last several weeks accepting everyone’s babying. He had lost his temper once or twice but for the most part had acted with stoic acceptance. Lou only hoped it wasn’t because he knew he needed to be healthy so that he would be ready when his brother came.
He finished drinking and lay back on the pillows, pale and weary. She thought again about getting Rachel but Buck’s panic when she had tried to go before kept her at his side. She pulled his blanket up over him where he lay peering up at her with tired, sad eyes and decided to wait and see.
“Have you talked with anyone yet?” he asked hesitantly.
“No, I was beginning to think no one loved me,” she pouted and poked him gently in the ribs. “I guess I’ll excuse you for not rushing to greet me but where are Jimmy and Teaspoon or that wayward husband of mine?”
“Jimmy is running errands in town and Teaspoon, I don’t know.” Buck appeared suddenly contrite as if he had recently gotten in trouble and was remembering a blistering from the stationmaster.
“And Kid?”
“He said he was going out to the ranch. Things have been a little, well, I guess a little crazy around here.”
“Is that the “you’re not gonna believe what’s happened” that Cody gave me when he was leaving?” Buck sighed.
“Yes,” he said quietly. “I guess I should tell you. Not like it’s a secret.” Lou pulled her boots from her feet and scooted up on Buck’s bed next to him, snatching a pillow from Jimmy’s bunk to rest against. Buck pulled himself up too even though she tried to hold him down and she ended up resting her head against his shoulder.
“Tell me. I’ve told you all my secrets so you might as well tell me your not-so-secrets.” He shifted uneasily in the bed and began to play with a loose thread on his blanket unraveling it bit by bit until the entire top of the coverlet was frayed. Lou reached a hand down to stop him. “Tell.” He heaved a sigh and told her about Hannah and Jane.
Lou let out a long, low whistle. “You sure know how to surprise a person. I’d have expected something like this from Jimmy or Cody, but you’ve always been the sensible one.” She wanted to bite her tongue off when she saw his stricken look. She slipped beneath his arm and gave him a gentle hug. “I’m sorry, Buck. What are you gonna do?”
“Don’t know. I don’t know what I should do. She doesn’t need me, she has a husband,” he said bitterly.
“What do you WANT to do?”
“I still don’t know. I can’t think past what everyone else wants or thinks. It doesn’t matter what I want anyway,” he growled in frustration.
“Course it matters. Hannah is yours too after all. Wow, a baby. I can’t wait to see her.” Lou sat for a minute letting the idea of Buck as a father sink in. It was certainly something totally and completely unexpected. She couldn’t imagine having a child and not “having” it. It was probably her experience as an orphan that drove her emotions. If she ever had a child she would be fiercely protective, would never abandon it, nothing could come between her and her baby. “You can’t give her up, Buck, how could you?”
“Because it’s the right thing to do,” he said with such finality that Lou shivered. It was as if she were talking to Kid again. Both of these men were so caught up in doing what they thought was “right” that they were completely losing sight of what was truly important. She opened her mouth to argue with him but registered his beaten and pale appearance and remembered what he had been doing when she arrived. Instead, she planted a gentle kiss on his cheek and slid carefully to the edge of the bed, taking his hand in her own.
“I want to talk about this but I think you need some rest. I don’t know that I can help, but I’d sure like to try, even if all I do is listen, please, let me do that?” He didn’t even attempt to smile, but squeezed her hand in response then turned on his side away from her. She pulled the blanket over his shoulder, gathered her boots, and headed for the door, thinking that she had a few words for Jane when she found her. How could she not have let Buck know about this baby, how could she treat him this way? She felt like a mother hen closing protectively around her chick. Her maternal instincts surprised and amused her and she couldn’t wait to describe to Buck the picture she had right now in her head, she knew he would be thoroughly incensed that she had thought of him as a baby chick.
She headed for the house and a bath stopping by her bedroom to grab clean clothes, dropping her boots on the floor and sinking down on the edge of the bed to gather her strength. She thought again to Katy’s empty stall. Kid had known she would be arriving and yet he had left. He was at the ranch, Buck said. It was a good sign at least that he was out there, maybe planning for their future? And yet…
She sat staring at the blank wall feeling all of her happiness and confidence float away like the dust particles she could see swirling in the sunlight filtering through the window. She had told him the truth about what had happened, that she had led the killer on, having lunch with him then standing him up. Kid had shook as she told him, shook with anger that she had betrayed him and things had not been the same between them since. He no longer mentioned going back to Virginia, but Lou suspected, no knew that he was still considering it. The fact that he was no longer talking to her and was able to hold her responsible for his anger, made it easy for him to keep his secrets.
She dropped her head into her hands overwhelmed by a sudden and all consuming exhaustion that made her want to collapse onto this bed and sleep, filthy dirty, clothes and all. Instead, she raised her head and struggled to rise losing her balance as her stockinged foot slipped on something slick. She went down hard on one knee. She pulled herself back onto the bed, rubbing her sore knee cap then reached down to see what had been so slippery and dangerous. Dangerous turned out to be a prophetic description, she realized as she pulled an envelope from beneath the bed. It was a letter addressed to Kid.
She didn’t even have to think twice about reading it. She slipped the contents onto her lap. There was a letter written on crisp, thick parchment and another on paper as delicate as tissue. There was also a distinct odor of perfume that fell into her lap with the pages. She chose to read the thick paper first, almost afraid of the other, thinking once again of danger. The letter was much like the first that Kid had received. He had finally shown it to her after her ordeal as though reading it would somehow excuse how he had been acting and in a way it had helped her understand better his predicament. As in the first, the letter writer asked Kid to come home again, harkening back to the years when Kid’s mother had been alive, asking if Kid remembered his promise and if he could find it in his heart to come. He seemed desperate to have Kid by his side. For a brief moment Lou felt for the man and his need but then she remembered that his desperation might also get her husband killed.
She turned her attention to the second letter written in a delicate and overtly feminine hand. It was that letter that carried the strong sweet scent that now permeated the room. It was from Abby. Lou pictured the near perfect beauty of the woman as she read. Abby explained that she was working as a secretary for Kid’s uncle and that she stole this opportunity to include her own letter when he asked her to post his. She went on to say that she wished Kid would come and that they could all share a house together if he would. He could be his uncle’s right hand man and her brother, John, would be his left, they would make an unbeatable team.
She went on to say that she missed him and that their few hours together had reminded her of what they had had so many years before. There was no mention of the fact that Kid had a wife. Of course not, why should there be a mention of Lou, she wouldn’t be going to Virginia. She remembered the relief that Kid had shown when she had made this statement and her jealous suspicions came wailing back in her face like a screaming banshee. She slid the letters back into the envelope and settled the danger safely back under Kid’s side of the bed wondering how long it would stay there.
Teaspoon’s chatter at one end of the dinner table filled an otherwise silent room. Cody was on a run, removing the number one noise maker of the group. Jimmy, as usual, concentrated on the business of eating, and Rachel’s interest was taken with a tiny and precious bundle that intermittently fussed and cooed in her arms. The four remaining occupants of the table sat quietly, as if each were in their own world, and not very pleasant worlds at that from what Teaspoon could discern, observing them when he stopped for a breath of air or a bite of food.
The coldness between Kid and Lou had been deepening like the autumn chill that would soon give way to winter’s dark days. He had left the two alone, hoping that they would work out the problems between them but it didn’t appear that they would, or that they even could. He felt himself ill equipped to advise the couple, having failed at each of his own six marriages, but he couldn’t sit back and watch them self destruct either. If ever there were two people meant for each other, it would be those two, seated close together, their arms brushing, but separated by an invisible, and seemingly insurmountable wall.
The second silent couple were separated emotionally and physically as well, seated catty corner across the table from each other, Jane next to Jimmy, Buck next to Kid. Teaspoon had even less of a notion how to deal with them. The result, if he should fail to come up with something, could be catastrophic, he feared. Buck was going to return to his brother, Teaspoon was sure of that, and the baby in Rachel's arms was the only thing that might keep that from happening.
Jimmy finished eating, wiped his face with his napkin and tossed it onto the table before leaning back in his chair with a satisfied groan. “Great dinner, Rachel. Thanks.” Rachel, still playing with Hannah at one end of the table gave him a nod and a smile. He surveyed the table seeming to notice for the first time that there were other people seated with him. “Why all the sad faces? Kid? Buck? You two look like you lost your best horses. And Lou, I’d have thought your little ride would have made you happy to be a house wife and not have to work for a living anymore.” He flashed Lou a lopsided smirk, which was met with a look that could melt iron. He realized instantly that he had overstepped his bounds and sought at once to change the subject.
“Talk about the telegraph is all over town. Talk is they should have the wires strung to Rock Creek by the end of the week, maybe sooner if the weather holds out.” He had all the eyes around the table on him at that. “Can’t say as I’m surprised, though they’re movin’ a lot faster than I thought they would. Don’t tell me you all are surprised?” He glanced around at the silent faces before him, ending with Teaspoon. “It don’t matter though, does it? I mean, they’ll still need us around to deliver the mail, right? For awhile at least?” The older man pushed himself away from the table and settled back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest and pursing his lips in thought.
“For awhile,” he agreed softly his mind bothered by this new development. He had been so busy worrying about Kid and Lou and Buck he had forgotten that the reason they were all here was about to end. This just might be the ill wind that Teaspoon had feared, the wind that would blow both boys away from here and into the arms of fate. Jimmy sank back into silence and with Teaspoon’s attention drawn elsewhere the quiet in the room became deafening, broken finally by the sound of Buck’s chair scraping across the floor. That brought Teaspoon out of his reverie, to flash a stern look the young man’s way. Buck pretended not to notice, excused himself to no one in particular, and headed for the door. Teaspoon opened his mouth to comment but shut it again, overcome by his inability to help, to change what was happening before his eyes. He had never felt so powerless.
Rachel sensed his despair. She handed Hannah back to Jane and clapped her hands together, “let’s have our pie out on the porch. The weather is perfect and we should be having a beautiful sunset right about now. You girls, Lou, Jane, go on out and make yourselves comfortable. The boys and I will serve you for once.” Lou hesitated a minute, torn between a desire to talk with Jane and the sure knowledge that the danger under her bed would not simply disappear, that she would have to talk to Kid about it, about everything, once and for all. But dealing with Buck’s problems was a lot easier than dealing with her own and she stood and followed Jane out to the porch, settling herself on the steps next to the young mother who was already busily feeding Hannah. Watching Buck’s dejected performance during dinner had made Lou even more determined to let this girl have a piece of her mind, but as she watched the young girl and her infant, she became entranced wondering again how Buck could even imagine not fighting for his daughter.
“She sure is beautiful.” Jane flashed a proud smile.
“Yes, she is. I know most mothers think their babies are the most beautiful in the world, but Hannah really is,” she gave Lou a wink.
“She’s a handful too. How have you managed?”
“Well, I do have a husband.”
“Oh yea, I forgot,” Lou said with an edge to her voice that caught Jane’s attention.
“Is something wrong?”
“No, no, it’s really none of my business. It’s just…” Lou eyed the girl beside her, took a deep breath and plunged ahead, “I know Buck, is all. I care about him and I think what you’ve done has really hurt him.”
“What I’ve done? What have I done?”
“You married someone else. I would think that would be obvious. You never told him about the baby. How could he have known?” Jane was silent brushing a finger tenderly against the baby’s cheek while she nursed. Lou began to think she wouldn’t receive an answer to her question but after several silent moments Jane did respond and her answer was surprising.
“I married because I was lonely. Have you ever been lonely?” Lou had to nod her head in agreement. She had been lonely for much longer than she hadn’t been. Those years spent in the orphanage, even though she had been with her brother and sister, had been achingly lonely years. And afterwards, even though she lived with this crowd of rowdy boys constantly in attendance, she had still felt the isolation that came from having no one to share her dreams or her sorrows with. Kid had changed all of that. The last few months, however, she had never felt more alone than all of those times rolled up as one. She slept next to the man she loved, he wrapped his arms around her and made love to her. But the emotional distance between them created inside of her a pain so acute it was almost physical in nature, as if she could go to the doctor, point to the place that hurt, and he could cut it out. She couldn’t live without a heart however, and that was precisely the place that ached so desperately.
“I was tired of being alone and he loved me,” Jane continued, “He stood by me through my pregnancy even though I told him I wouldn’t marry him. He made me feel so special, Lou, I can’t explain how much I needed that after Hannah was born. I was so horribly, terribly sad. There was a time when I didn’t want to go on. I married him three weeks ago.” She bowed her head over the baby, her long, dark hair hiding her face. Lou had a feeling that she was crying and her heart went out to the young girl.
“If you’d only told Buck,” she touched her arm gently, “he would have helped, I know he would have. He would never have abandoned you!”
Jane raised her head, displaying red rimmed eyes in the process. “Oh, but he did, Lou. He could have come back. Why would I want someone who came only because they felt they had to? I had a choice between a man who wanted me, loved me, needed me, or a man who was forced into being with me by the burden of responsibility. What would you have done?”
Lou sat back, considering the question. Indeed, what would she have done? Would she want Kid by her side only because he had to be there? No, she was far too proud for that. She was beginning to understand Jane’s side of this story. She had yet to hear Buck’s, so far, he hadn’t said anything other than it somehow being “the right thing to do”. How did he feel about Jane? He hadn’t returned for her, that much was true. What could possibly have kept him away except perhaps second thoughts?
Hannah stirred in Jane’s lap and began to fuss. She gentled the child to her shoulder. patting her tiny back trying to coax the bubble from her stomach. “There, there, shhh,” she cooed against the soft head.
“She sure is a handful, so much work,” Lou mused. “I’m not sure I could do it. How do you know you’re ready?”
“Well, I wasn’t, obviously. You probably won’t be either. It just happens and you deal with it.” Lou flushed with embarrassment, realizing she had put her foot in her mouth. But the girl beside her wasn’t upset, or ashamed or even concerned. She leaned closer and spoke in a conspiratorial whisper, “and it’s the most wonderful, incredible experience you could ever ask for, ready or not. I wouldn’t give up this little girl for anything, not even for a perfect start some other time. Not for anything.” Jane rubbed her hand over the soft head that lay against her shoulder.
The others joined them carrying plates filled with dessert. Lou waved away her piece of pie and pulled herself slowly to her feet, saying she was too tired to stay up another moment. She paused to give Kid a chance to say he was ready to turn in too but he stayed in the chair he had taken. Almost as an afterthought he stood and came to her, giving her a distracted hug and peck on the cheek. He returned to his chair, settling back, once more lost in his thoughts, thoughts that Lou could only wonder about and fear. She said her goodnights to the rest of the group on the porch and headed towards the house.
Jane watched her go, wondering briefly about what she had just witnessed. Maybe most marriages were like the one she had with her own husband, distant, tolerable. Maybe the heart pounding, butterfly inducing, heaven sending love she had shared with Buck was the exception, not the rule, and it certainly hadn’t lasted for the two of them.
“She sure can be a handful, can’t she?” Jimmy seated himself on the porch step next to Jane where she cradled Hannah in her lap. She smiled, hearing the same words that Lou had spoken and thinking how if they only knew the half of it. “Can I help?” She shot a look of relief at the man beside her and handed off the squirming bundle. Jimmy held the baby gingerly against his chest. “Ike was the one that could handle babies,” he said. It struck Jane suddenly that she hadn’t seen Buck’s best friend since she had been there, hadn’t seen him or the rider Noah. She had assumed that they were off on runs but the word “was” sent a sudden shiver down her spine.
“Where is Ike anyway?” Jimmy buried his face in Hannah’s tummy and made a growling sound that caused a smile to dimple on her chubby baby cheeks. His movements seemed natural enough but Jane had the sense that he was hiding something. She looked around at the others where they sat scattered across the porch balancing plates on their knees. They all seemed to have found something hugely interesting on those plates and not one met her gaze. “Where is Ike?” She repeated to anyone who would answer. Teaspoon glanced up from his pie to meet her questioning look.
“He was killed almost a year ago now. And Noah was killed a couple of months ago. You remember Noah?” Jane nodded her head, shocked into silence, tears filling her eyes.
When at last she could speak again, she said quietly, pensively, “Ike was Buck’s best friend. He talked about him a lot.”
“Yes,” Teaspoon answered. A heavy silence descended on the group, all except for Hannah who began to fuss again. Jimmy shifted her uneasily from his lap to his shoulder and back again trying to satisfy her.
“She really is a handful,” he repeated, exasperation stealing into his voice. Jane relieved him of the squirming child, threw a small blanket followed by the infant, over her shoulder and began a fluid rocking motion, patting the baby’s back at the same time. She desperately needed this child to give her a few moments of peace to absorb this bit of news, to calculate the when of Ike's death and how it fit in with the timetable of patient waiting she had gone through, waiting for a lover who had never come for her even though he had promised to.
Had he thought about coming for her, she wondered, but something, maybe Ike’s death, had gotten in the way of his promise? Why then hadn’t he offered up this excuse when she had laid into him earlier? Had he wanted to but she had never given him the chance? She finally managed to quiet Hannah and rose from her place on the step determined to find an answer to that question. She could see Buck at the corral removing the saddle from a palomino that Jimmy had ridden in on just before dinner.
“Rachel? Would you mind watching Hannah for me for just a minute?” Rachel’s face broke into a huge grin.
“I would love to. Don’t you know that’s the real reason I wanted you in my house, so I would be able to hold this precious baby.” She scooped the tiny girl into her arms and waved Jane away. “Go, take your time. I’ll let you know when she gets hungry.”
Jane headed for the corral where Buck was leading Jimmy’s horse towards the barn. He slowed when he saw her coming, retraced his steps to the corral fence and retied the horse. He turned to meet her with wary eyes. Her mind went blank when she gazed into those eyes that drove all sense from her head, just as they had the very first time they met, if their introduction could be called meeting, Jane pinned to the ground beneath Buck, he ready to drive a knife into her throat. They had both stared at each other then, not moving, not breathing for seconds or minutes, she didn’t know and it didn’t matter, it could have been eternity and it would not have been long enough. The same was true now. She gazed into those eyes, dark and rich, time passing unnoticed.
What wasn’t unnoticed was the growing heat she felt flush through out her body lighting her insides on fire. Buck took a step towards her, forcing her to feel the heat of his body in addition to her own. As if protecting her overloaded senses, Jane took a step back and Buck froze where he stood, hands at his sides, dropping his eyes to the ground at his feet.
“Is Hannah all right?” he asked, not looking up.
“Yes. Rachel has her,” she stammered. The spell was broken and she remembered why she had come, what she needed to ask. “I, I wanted to talk to you.” He raised his head finally to look at her once more.
“Sure. Here? Or you want to go to the barn or the house?”
“This is fine.” She moved to stand at the corral, leaning against the top rung of the fence, her back to Buck and to the group still seated on the porch. She could hear their distant laughter, its friendly warmth giving her strength to ask her questions, to overcome her fear of the answers. “You never came Buck. I’m sure you had a reason. I’d like to hear it.” She got no response and turned to find him standing where she had left him, staring at the ground once again. “Buck?” He shook himself and raised his head at last, turning to face her.
“Things happened, things I can’t easily explain.”
“You could try. Did it have anything to do with Ike?” she asked gently. He shook his head.
“No, that had nothing to do with it.”
She had pinned her hopes on that possibility, something that she could have forgiven him for. She fought to keep the disappointment from her voice as she forged ahead, “I think I deserve a reason, don’t you?”
“I don’t have one to give you. I just got busy and,” he swallowed, his eyes glancing off of her hardening face to light on something in the distance, “I forgot.”
“You forgot!” her voice carried to the porch and she could see Jimmy’s head turn in their direction but she couldn’t quiet the anger that flowed from her lips. “The hell you forgot,” she seethed. “You were never going to come for me, were you, like you promised? You didn’t forget me, you can’t forget something that you never intended to do in the first place. Your promise was a lie from the start.”
The silence raged between them. Nothing he said would have changed what was, she would still be married to another man and he would still, for whatever reason, have chosen not to be a part of her life. But she had hoped against hope that he had had a reason that she could cling to on dark nights, something that would have helped her put away her love for him in a place that she could still visit when she needed to remember what real love was and could have allowed her to tell their daughter that she had been made from that love. Instead, there was and had always been nothing but a broken promise between them.
Hannah’s scream sliced through the silence and both parents turned toward the porch. Jane grabbed Buck’s arm as he started toward the sound. “No. She doesn’t need you. She has a family and you aren’t a part of it.” She turned on her heel not caring if her words had any affect on him, his words having cut straight through her heart. Before reaching the bunkhouse she heard the sound of a horse behind her and turned to see Buck leaving the yard on the palomino.
She was met at the bottom of the porch steps by Teaspoon who grabbed her by
the shoulders and gave her a slight shake. “What did you say to him? I
need to know, it’s important,” he demanded. Jane’s face went
white at the urgent sound of his voice.
“I told him that Hannah has a family,” she whispered, her eyes wide with fear. “I told him we don’t need him.” The station master dropped one hand from her arm and clenched it before her face as if he might strike her, the emotion in his face enough to make her close her eyes in anticipation. Instead he dropped his other hand as well causing her to stagger as he let loose of her.
He stepped around her, shouting over his shoulder for Kid and Jimmy to follow as he headed for the barn. “Let’s get the horses saddled, we’re goin’ after Buck.” The three men vanished into the barn. Jane stood at the foot of the porch, her hand covering her cheek, the stationmaster’s intentions stinging as if he had actually struck her. Rachel had disappeared into the bunkhouse with Hannah and she followed after, her steps slow and shaking. She paused at the door watching absently while Rachel changed the baby.
“Is she okay?” Rachel glanced up to give her a reassuring smile.
“Oh, my yes. She just doesn’t like a wet seat, can’t say as I blame her.” Jane moved away from the door back onto the porch pretending not to hear Rachel ask where everyone had run off to, the other woman having heard only that they were saddling up. She paused briefly to consider what she should do and what she had already done, guilt and fear twisting her insides. Never one to give up or shrink away, Jane strode down the steps after the three men, catching Teaspoon on his way back out of the barn.
“What are you thinking, what are you thinking he’ll do?” Teaspoon tried to move around her but she grabbed both of his arms and hung on. “Tell me what I’ve done!” she cried, “Please Mr. Hunter.” He lost his anger with her at the obvious fear in her voice. He took her hands from his arms and held them in his own.
“Less than three weeks ago he was next to dead, the result of a bullet he took while trying to rescue Lou. He survived by way of a miracle. He isn’t supposed to be on a horse, the doctor said he needs at the very least another couple of weeks before he’s strong enough. Don’t worry, we’ll find him.” Teaspoon gave her hands a squeeze. The barn door opened behind him and Jimmy and Kid appeared with three horses saddled and ready to go. “Let me tell Rachel, boys, and I’ll be right with you.” He stepped around her and headed into the bunkhouse. In a few moments the group had mounted up and hurried after Buck.
Jane watched the dust from the three horses settle back to the ground. This was her fault. She had wanted to hurt him, her worst fears had been realized, he had forgotten her and his promise so easily. And so she had lashed out at him with the only weapon she possessed, Hannah. She pictured his handsome face in her mind and saw it clearly for the first time that day. There had been dark circles under his eyes, his skin had been pale and he was painfully thin. It was her fault he was out there now, no doubt doing damage to himself. She felt responsible. “There was the difference between them,” she thought, “she would own up to her responsibilities.” She headed back to the bunkhouse.
He had ridden as if he had the entire Sioux nation on his tail, his body flattened and streamlined against the horse’s neck. It felt good to be on a horse again, well, maybe for the first five minutes when his body was still numbed by the viciousness of Jane’s words. He had deserved them and worse but that still didn’t take away their sting. All he had been able to think about was getting away fast before he had to look at another person, answer another question, feel another feeling. He thought he would explode if he’d had to do any of those things.
He knew right away that he couldn’t keep riding and after a few double backs and other techniques to hide his trail in case anyone had tried to follow, he found the perfect spot beneath the low hanging branches of a weeping willow, thinking how ironic was his choice of hiding places. He didn’t stay long, just long enough to bring himself under control, to know he could do what he had to do. He pulled himself painfully onto Sundancer and began to head slowly and carefully back to the station. He was met in the yard by Rachel.
“She left! She came and told me she was going up to the house but she didn’t, she left! Teaspoon and the boys had already headed out after you, so I was just getting ready to wake Lou up and have her watch Hannah while I went after her, when I heard you ride in.”
“Wait a minute Rachel, she left, you mean Jane?” Rachel shook her head, nervously rocking back and forth on her feet. “And Hannah?”
“She’s asleep in the house. I just put her down and went to check on Jane when I realized she wasn’t there and her horse is missing. She must have gone after you.” Buck turned his horse around without pause and headed out of the yard, shouting over his shoulder that he would find her. He could hear but ignored Rachel’s screams for him to get back and get off of the horse. As poorly as he felt there wasn’t anyway he would sit back and do nothing while Jane was out there alone. He had felt that way from the first moment they met, that he had to protect her and care for her and nothing seemed to dampen that need. That she was searching for him this time only served to make him ride faster and harder, stopping only to hunt for tracks.
He was able to locate some, even as he recognized that he had only a little time left before he wouldn’t be able to see anything. He thought about going back for a lantern but was afraid he would encounter Teaspoon and the others, at the very least Rachel, a formidable enough opponent. Any of them would give him an argument about going out again and he had neither the time nor the energy for a fight. He needed to find Jane.
She had managed to follow him for quite a ways, even figuring out his double backs and other hiding tricks much to his surprise. He hadn’t seen any signs of Teaspoon or the others so she had certainly managed to out-track them. She had lost him at the last turn however and had continued on into the low mountains. He never once thought about stopping, the pain in his chest and the cold in the air completely driven out by the worry gnawing at his stomach and the knowledge that he hadn’t much time before darkness descended and he would have to stop for the night. She was still heading up into the hills and his worry deepened as the condition of the trail deteriorated and the rough edges of the path melted into the shadows, hiding washouts and loose rocks. He could see where the horse had stumbled several times.
She should have stopped when she hadn’t seen more tracks, she should have given up and turned around when the trail became dangerous. But she was by far the most stubborn person he had ever encountered, strong willed, self assured, just a pain in the ass when she had her mind made up to do something. Why had she come searching for him, he wondered? Guilt? He himself had been driven by its power on more than one occasion, his purchase of the ranch from Emily, his overwhelming need to help Camille, even his desire to go to his brother were all fueled by all-consuming guilt. That must certainly be driving Jane. She couldn’t care for him, or else she would have waited. Again he was torn between the knowledge that he should be happy she hadn’t waited for him, and the hurt that he had been so easily replaced.
He had been so mired in his thoughts it took him several steps to realize that the horse had stumbled once more and that it was no longer carrying its rider, registering at last that the prints were fractionally less imbedded in the dirt. He was off of his horse and back at the washout that was responsible for the stumble in seconds however, screaming her name, the worry he had felt exploding into pulsing fear. He could still see the indentation of where something had slid in the soft grass at the edge of the trail, grass that extended only a few feet before giving up to the solid rock surface of a cliff that curved down and away into oblivion.
Buck started down, following the logical trajectory of the marks in the grass, but immediately began to slip and slide, losing his footing on the slick bare rock. He still held his horse’s reins and was able to find a small foothold in the rock, pushing off and pulling on the reins to drag himself back up to the trail. There had been nothing for her to hang onto though, nothing to slow her down, and she would have gone over the edge. That fact kicked him in the stomach and he sat down at the edge of the trail, shaking. It took him only seconds to pull himself together and he was pacing back and forth along the edge of the path, like a wounded panther, screaming her name once more. With little conscious thought he began to scramble along the edge of the cliff searching desperately for a way down. He had to find her, alive or dead, he couldn’t bear the thoughts of her alone in the cold and emptiness.
A small sound, almost lost on the rush of wind that blew across the cliff face, reached Buck’s ears as he searched frantically for a way down the mountain. He paused, straining to hear, wondering if it had been just a product of his desperate hope. But then he heard it again, a sound as precious as his baby daughter’s cry. Jane’s voice floated up to him from somewhere over the edge of the cliff, tired and frightened. He scrambled as close to the edge as he could safely go and shouted down.
“Jane! Can you hear me?”
“Yes,” he heard. “I hear you!”
“Are you hurt?”
“No, just scraped and bruised. There’s a real small outcrop here and I fell on it. I don’t know how…” Her words were lost in the howl of the wind.
“Hang on, I’ll be there in a minute,” he called again to her, hoping she could hear him. He renewed his search for a way down, moving slowly along the cliff edge. He found a spot that offered tentative handholds and footholds, unlike the sheer face of the rock wall where Jane had gone over. He began to make his way gingerly down the side of the mountain. After a few minutes of careful climbing he was even with the outcrop that had miraculously broken Jane’s fall. He could see her, huddled up against the face of the cliff, looking terrified and dirty but seemingly uninjured. She came alive when she saw him, scooting closer to the edge of the rock shelf.
“Hi. I was wondering when you were going to get here.” She was amazing. Clinging precariously to a four foot by two foot sliver of rock she still managed to keep her wits and her good humor.
“Sorry, my tracking is a little rusty.”
“No problem, you’re here now.” He wanted to smile but surveying their current predicament kept a frown on his face. He wasn’t sure how to get her off of there without the use of a rope. If only he had stopped for one before leaving the station! He thought for a moment about going back for one but the wind had picked up and the temperature was dropping quickly. The wind itself was worrisome. Her place on the ledge was not very secure and a really good blow might be enough to sweep her off. He could get close to her, but not close enough to reach her. He wracked his brain for something he could use to span the chasm between where he could reach and where she clung. He had an idea, not a very good one, but it was all he could come up with at the moment.
“I have to go get something, I’ll be right back.” She curled against the rock wall without question, hugging her knees to her chest. He was back in a minute, carrying his horse’s bridle and reins. They were no where near long enough, but it was all he had. He only hoped that they were sturdy enough. He had been pulling and tugging at them all of the way back down, testing their strength trying to decide if he should take the chance or make her wait. Her pale but trusting face greeted him, sealing his decision. It was going to be much too cold tonight and it would be dark by the time he got back, if he could even find this place in the pitch black of night. This would have to do.
He gave her an encouraging smile and maneuvered himself as close to her position as he could. He found a few rocks to brace himself between, and holding tight to one end of the reins, he called to her to catch the other. He slung it out over the empty air between them and she caught it in shaking hands. They stayed that way for a moment, connected by that thin piece of leather, eyes locked on one another’s. He was once again struck by the unquestioning trust in those eyes. He said a silent prayer that he would not fail her.
“There isn’t enough for you to be able to tie yourself to it. You’re going to have to wrap it around your hand and hang on. I’ll pull you up. Can you do that?”
“Yes, I think so. I mean, yes I can.” Even in the spreading shadows he could see determination in the set of her jaw. She dropped to her stomach and leaned out across the chasm wrapping the end of the rein around her hand as many times as she could, using up all available slack. “Ready?” Buck braced himself.
“Ready.” He had so much he wanted to say to her, but before he could say anything she began to lower herself over the side of the cliff. The full weight of her body stretched the reins taut, the leather crackling from the strain. She had tried to ease herself over to reduce the stress but there had been nothing to hang onto and she had ended up falling off the edge with a decided jerk on the makeshift rope. Buck had managed to keep hold of his end. Now all that had to happen was for her to not let go, for him to have the strength in his weakened state and lack of leverage to pull her up and for the reins to hold together. Just a few major miracles were required. That was all. He began to drag her up the cliff face towards him, his lips moving in prayers both Kiowa and Christian, appealing to any maker of miracles that would come through for him.
She was halfway up when a weak spot in the leather began to separate. There was nothing he could do. He couldn’t reach her hand yet, she was just two feet too far away. He prayed harder and pulled again, slowly, carefully. The leather pulled further apart. In seconds the strap would separate and Jane would plunge down the side of the mountain. “You have to climb the rope, get above this tear! Now!” He screamed down at her, sure that in her panic she would just make the situation worse but equally as certain that he had no choice. Once again, he underestimated her remarkable presence of mind. She saw instantly what was happening and with a strength he would have never expected her to possess, she began to pull herself up the rope, her first hand hold reaching just beneath the tear. The leather cracked as she swayed in the wind and Buck knew that she had seconds at best. Her next hand hold was directly above the tear. The only question now was if she could hang on tightly enough. She held on and was even able to pull her second hand up above the torn spot as well. Buck began to pull again. With two mighty tugs she was within his grasp.
And grasp he did, with his hands clasped tightly around hers he dragged her up the side of the mountain and into his arms. He held her cold, shaking body tightly to him, shaking as much as she was, but not from the cold. He had never been so frightened in his life.
The breeze had picked up and was positively chilling now that the sun was all but a soft glow in the distance. He forced himself to his feet, dragging her shaking body up with him and began to push her up the rough trail ahead of him, back up the side of the mountain. Once at the top, he scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the opposite side of the trail against some rocks, as far away from the cliff as he could get, for safety and to get her out of the wind. He set her gently on the ground, wishing he had a blanket or jacket to give her. Instead he gathered whatever he could find for kindling and built a fire, working at it until he got it good and roaring, then returned to wrap his arms around her. Body heat would help and it was all he had to offer.
In a few moments, her exhaustion won out over everything and he could tell from her even breathing that she had fallen asleep in his arms. As they sat together, his back against the rocks, Jane settled between his legs before the fire, his thoughts went to the last time they had been together like this and what the end result had been.
The rain had come up on them suddenly on their way to Falls Church and they had been caught out in the open. He had managed to find a small cave and had built a fire, but by then, everything they wore had been completely soaked. Jane had not hesitated a moment before stripping off all of her clothes, and wrapping herself in a blanket. She had thrown him a glance as she undressed, noting that he watched her and the smile that had played on her lips had shocked and enticed him. She was an amazing combination of innocence and maturity. She was independent, self confident and supremely self sufficient. Her body certainly looked like any woman’s he had ever seen and that smile had been seductive. And yet, there was something about her that flamed in him a desire to protect her that pushed out any erotic thoughts that might have invaded his mind.
He undressed too, a lot more slowly and unlike Jane, he had grabbed his blanket long before peeling off the final layer of clothing. They spread their clothes out to dry beside the fire and then sat next to each other watching the flames, a sudden awkwardness settling between them. How different from their day together on the trail. Then they had talked endlessly about what their lives had been like, what they wanted for their futures. Buck had never felt so comfortable with a woman before, or with anyone for that matter, with the exception of maybe Ike. She had not seemed in the least bit shocked or put off by what he had to say as he talked about his Indian past or his days with the Express. But now, all of a sudden, he was tongue tied and very aware of her closeness and state of undress. They sat gazing silently into the flames, each lost in their own thoughts. That was until Jane had touched his arm and asked for a drink of water from the canteen. That simple touch had sent a shiver through him that she had to have noticed. When he handed her the canteen, their eyes had locked and she set it aside without touching it. She leaned into him, the blanket dropping away from her shoulders and kissed him firmly on the lips.
Shock led him to respond almost chastely at first but then pure lust had taken over, for both of them. It hadn’t taken long and they were in a position that nothing could have turned them from. It also hadn’t taken long for him to realize that he was her first. That smile she had flashed him, her confidence in what she was doing had fooled him. He had stopped immediately, gazed into her desire clouded eyes and asked her if this was what she really wanted. She had pulled him close to her and whispered in his ear that she had never wanted anything more in her life. He had been shocked and thrilled, touched, honored but more than anything, hopeful. He had felt something for her from the moment he had first looked into her eyes, something that he had never felt before and it went beyond simple protectiveness. And he thought that there might be a chance, a small chance, that she could feel something similar for him.
He had been the first to say the words when they were finished, lying together in a tangle of arms and legs and blankets, sated and sweating even though the fire had died down and the air was cold. He had told her that he loved her. She, without hesitation had repeated the same back to him. They talked about how crazy it sounded that they might actually feel this for each other, in such a short period of time. They had followed their confessions by another bout of lovemaking, followed by another and another. They had stayed the night in that cave and the next night and the next and Buck would have stayed forever if it had been an option. He had everything he wanted right there. But need eventually won out over want, they had little food and there wasn’t much to be caught or gathered in the surrounding area, so they mounted their horses and headed for Falls Church, but not before making promises to each other. I promise to come for you, I promise to wait for you. They had kissed once more at her place, said goodbye and then fate had returned his good sense to him in one, life defining moment.
She stirred in his arms, and he shifted slightly trying to help her find a
comfortable position. He didn’t want her out of his arms and yet he had
a momentary panic as his heart began to beat faster and his senses heightened.
The feel of her against him and the memories of their lovemaking were enough
to fill him with longing and need. If he were presented with her upturned face
at that moment, her soft and inviting lips, he was fairly certain he wouldn’t
have the strength to resist. At last, he could hear her even breaths again,
feel the rising of her chest and knew that she was once more asleep. He closed
his eyes, attempting to block out all thoughts of her and when failing miserably
at that he allowed himself one small gift. He rested his cheek in her hair,
brushing his lips against her temple and whispered, “I could never forget
you,” knowing that only the cold of the night would hear.
