Chapter Eight

A dance. 'Great!' Cody thought to himself. All he needed now was to stand around all night long with the towns girls wanting to dance with him when there was only one woman he wanted to dance with and she wanted nothing to do with him. He decided he wasn't going to go. Let the others go and have their fun, but he was going to sit this one out. Maybe all the other ones, too, if things didn't get back on track with Lou. How could he ever be happy again without her?

Jimmy and Kid arrived back in time for the dance. They had already been filled in by Buck that something was up between Cody and Lou and it wasn't good. So they both knew to stay out of their way.

Lou sat on her bunk writing in her journal and no one knew where Cody had gotten off to. Lou was under the impression he had already left for the dance, eager to get away from her and off to some other girl…maybe Abigail Abernathy? They'd only been back half a day and it hadn't taken him long to go back to his old ways. At least that's what she thought.

In reality, Cody was hiding up in the loft of the barn, sulking. He still didn't understand where he had gone wrong with Lou. He knew sooner or later he'd have to talk to her, but he was opting for the later than sooner. Maybe she just needed some time to work things out in her head. Maybe he had moved too fast for her, but at the time she seemed to be moving just as fast as he had.

The more he dwelt on it, the more it didn't make any sense. He thought of talking to Teaspoon about it, but the threat of the sweatlodge loomed before him and he quickly changed his mind. Besides what happened between him and Lou was private, if not confusing, and the less people that knew about it the better. It was something for the two of them to work out together. He was just puzzled as to how to go about talking to her.

After the others had all left for the dance, Lou tore out the paper she'd been writing on in her journal, neatly folded it and placed it on Cody's pillow. It wasn't much in the way of an explanation of what had happened, but it would leave him with no doubt that she wanted him to get on with his life and not to try and find her.

She gathered her meager belongings, what little cash she had stashed away and packed them into her bags. She straightened her bunk and quickly wrote another note that she left for the others on the table. Taking one last look around the bunkhouse to commit it to memory, she opened the door and stepped outside into the crisp night air.

There was a full moon so she'd be able to travel tonight quite a ways before anyone noticed her gone. She knew Buck would be able to track her, but she hoped he wouldn't. She'd only leave again when she got the opportunity.

Lou walked into the barn to saddle up Lightning, crooning softly to him. "It's alright, boy, we're just going for a little ride." She tied her bags and bedroll to the horse's saddle and quietly began leading him from the barn.

Cody, sensing that something was amiss below him, could just barely make out the figure of someone stealing a horse from the barn. Seeing his chance, he leaped from the loft down onto the thief. As he wrestled with the intruder on the ground, it wasn't long before he realized who he was wrestling with.

"Lou, what are you doing? I thought you were at the dance."

"And do what, chase off all the girls? Please. What about you? I pictured you in the arms of Abigail Abernathy right about now, waltzing her across the dance floor."

He helped her to her feet and they stood toe to toe with each other. "I don't want Abigail."

"Oh, then some other girl perhaps?" She knew she was intentionally being cruel to him, but she had to get away from him, she had to leave.

"I don't want anyone else. There's only one woman for me and she's standing right here."

"Cody, don't."

"Why, Lou? Why not? Tell me."

When she tried to turn away from him, he grabbed her, turning her around and kissed her, hard. Branding her with his kiss.

When she moaned low and began to respond to his kiss, he pulled away from her. "I knew you still wanted me." He accused her.

"Of course I do. But…"

"But what, Lou? What else is there? I love you and I know you have feelings for me. So tell me, Lou, what's keeping us apart?" He demanded.

"I'm used goods, Cody!" She screamed at him.

"What are you talking about? Lou, you're not making any sense."

Trying to recover from her outburst she calmly said, "It doesn't matter, Cody. It won't work between us. Just leave it be."

"No, Lou, you can't kiss me like that and then just say it won't work. And what do you mean you're used goods?"

"Never mind. Just forget I said it." If she didn't get away from him she was going to start crying.

"No, I won't. You said it, now explain it." He wasn't backing down, not now when he felt he was getting so close to what was going on with her.

Seeing the tears rolling down her face in the moonlight, he gently caressed her cheek, wiping the tears away. "Tell me, Lou. Please? Can't you trust me enough to tell me?"

Feeling trapped, she didn't know what to do. Trust. It was such a simple word, and yet held such an enormous responsibility behind it. She knew she could trust Cody, but could she hurt him any more than she already had?

"Cody, I can't. I'm leaving. You can get on with your life and forget all about me. Maybe settle down with Abigail Abernathy and become sheriff of Lone Tree."

"So you've got my life all planned out for me, is that it? What if I don't want Abigail? I already told you, you're the one I want in my life, not some bit of fluff like Abigail."

"That bit of fluff as you call her would be far better for you than someone like me, Cody. I'm no good for you."

"How can you say that? You're the best thing that's happened to me, ever."

"You just don't understand." She protested weakly.

"Then help me understand. If you still want to leave after that I won't try to stop you."

Feeling her resolve melt away and seeing no way out of the situation, she sat down on a bale of hay in the corner and Cody sat across from her.

Reaching out, he took her hand in his and patiently waited for her to begin.

Taking a deep breath, she began. "When I was 13, after I had left the orphanage, I went to work as a wash girl. I was too naïve to know at the time exactly where I was working. All I knew is I had a paying job, a roof over my head and food in my belly so it didn't much matter. But it didn't take long for me to figure out I was working at one of the most popular brothels in town."

She looked up at Cody, expecting to see condemnation staring back at her, instead she saw him nod, encouraging her to continue.

"For the first few months everyone left me alone. I did my job and tried to stay out of everyone's way, especially out of the way of Simon Wicks. He was my employer and a nasty drunk. But one night he came into my room, he demanded it was time I started earning my keep. I already did the laundry and mending for everyone so I didn't understand what he was talking about. But it wasn't long before he showed me exactly what he meant."

Her grip on Cody's hand tightened as she tried to gather the courage to continue. He squeezed her hand back and in that moment she knew had to go on.

"He raped me, Cody. Just as if he had every right to do so. He beat me around some and raped me again. Before he left me he said to borrow a dress from one of the other girls because the next night I was gonna really start working for him." She took a deep breath and continued on. "Not long after Wicks left me, another girl, Charlotte came in to see me. She had heard through the walls what had happened. She was spitting mad when she saw what he had done to me. She gathered me up, gave me what little money she had and some boys clothes to change into and she spirited me away from there to catch the stagecoach early the next morning. Before I left she cut my hair and gave me the spectacles to wear to help hide my features. She created 'Lou' and Louise quietly disappeared. I've been Lou ever since."

She looked at Cody and saw the tears shining in his eyes. She hated hurting him like this, but the story had been told. She only feared now what he was going to say or do now that he knew. She waited for him to start blaming her, but it never happened. Instead he hugged her.

As he held her, she could feel the wetness of his tears on her neck. After some time went by he pulled back and said, "You were just a little girl. How could somebody do something like that to you?"

"Cody, it's over. Now you know why I can't marry you."

"No, it's not over. It's still eating away at you. What did Rachel say when you told her?"

"I haven't."

"Emma?"

She shook her head no.

"You mean you haven't talked about this with anyone since it happened?"

"Not even Charlotte. There wasn't any time."

"Lou, no wonder you've been hurting so much. Why didn't you tell me in Lone Tree? I knew there was something wrong, but I had no idea it was this bad."

"I was afraid, Cody."

"Afraid? Of me?"

She nodded.

"But why?"

"I was afraid you'd blame me for what happened."

"Blame you? My God, Lou, why would I blame you?"

"Charlotte said all men blame the woman when something like this happens. They all think she did something to encourage it."

"Honey, as much as I appreciate what Charlotte did for you that night, she was wrong. No woman ever deserves to be raped and it certainly wasn't your fault."

"But Cody…"

"No, listen to me, Lou. You did nothing wrong. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. You were a trusting young girl and that creep took advantage of that. I'd kill that bastard with my bare hands if I ever caught sight of him." He said with conviction in his voice.

Taken back that Cody was actually placing the blame where it belonged, on Wicks, she began sobbing with relief.

Cody gathered her in his arms and let her cry it all out. When the sobs subsided, he asked the one question that was nagging at him.

"Lou, why'd you think you couldn't marry me? Because of this?"

"I'm not pure for you, Cody. You deserve somebody that's been untouched. You don't deserve somebody's used leftovers." She admitted miserably.

"Don't you ever think that way of yourself. Do you hear me? You were attacked, against your will. It wasn't your fault. And you definitely aren't someone's leftovers. Lou, as far as I'm concerned you're just as pure and innocent as the day you were born. I love you. Just the way you are. It doesn't matter to me what happened before, what matters is what we do from here on. If you're not ready to get married, I'll wait. But get married we will. I'm sure of it. You and I are connected, in here." And he placed his hand over her heart.

She smiled at him and thanked her lucky stars she was blessed with such a man in her life.