Understanding
and ForgivenessUnderstanding
and ForgivenessThe sudden lurch of his stomach had Kid paling as he recognized the woman who’d just stepped off the sidewalk. Ducking his head he turned toward where Katy stood patiently waiting for him.
With his purchases in his saddlebags he mounted up and turned away from the reminder of a past he wished he could forget. Galloping out of town he didn’t see the quick, assessing look or the slow spread of a smile on her face.
Debating moving on or following Kid she shrugged. It had been a long time since
she’d seen a friend from Virginia. Stilling the shudder she scolded herself
at allowing her mind to remind her of why that was.
“Well?” the quick dismissive tone had her glancing over her shoulder. A tall, lanky man with grey at his temple waited impatiently for her. “Are we going or what?”
“Oh hold your horses Jack. You make it sound like you’re missing the second comin’,” she snapped. “I have something I need to do.”
“Just don’t take all day.”
“This might take all day. It’s hard to say. Kid ain’t known for his listening abilities.” She replied and swung onto her mount’s back. “I’ll meet up with you.”
The old man nodded, “Drought Falls?”
“Drought Falls.”
Kid stopped Katy near the small creek that ran along the trail and dismounted. He didn’t want to go back there. He didn’t want to remember what his brother’s friends had done – or what he’d been unable to do. Frankly the memories were better off buried and the pain forgotten. As long as he didn’t acknowledge them they wouldn’t haunt him.
“Still running from the obvious huh?”
Jumping slightly Kid turned to glare at the young woman standing watching him. “Don’t you have something else you need to do?”
“No Kid. Not this time. So how have you been?”
“Good. I avoid trouble where I can.”
“That’s a wise decision. Makes life easier, safer.”
“What do you want?”
“I bother you don’t I?”
“Yes you do.” Kid admitted softly, sadly.
“That’s okay. Means you’re human.”
“I don’t want to remember okay? I have enough on my mind without that to.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
Kid shrugged and turned to gather the reins. “I didn’t stop them either.”
“Kid you were nine years old. They were near on grown men, what makes you think you could have?”
“I should have at least tried.”
She nodded, “You still managed to save me.”
“I was too late.” He whispered regretfully. Closing his eyes he could see the torn dress, the split lip, and the tears. The girl he’d grown up with in a crumpled heap on the ground while Jed and two of his friends stood over her their pants down around their ankles. “I couldn’t help you and I can’t risk her.”
“Kid?” moving closer she touched his arm. She wasn’t surprised when he jerked away from her touch. “Who are you worrying about?”
“It doesn’t concern you Lee so just forget about it.”
“No. Tell me who you’re worrying about Kid. You aren’t the kinda man your brother was.”
“Did you know Jed was dead?”
Lee nodded, “Yes. He died as he lived – violently. Kid you are not Jed and you ain’t your pa. Now tell me what’s got you so scared.”
Kid sank to the ground, his gaze on the creek. “We had another fight. She doesn’t get it. Doesn’t understand what can happen if they find out.”
“Who?”
“Outlaws, bandits on the trail. She’s so tiny and if they ever found out they’d hurt her like Jed did you. I can’t live with that. How can I keep her safe if she doesn’t understand?”
“Did you explain it to her?”
Kid shook his head. “No.”
“Maybe you should. Maybe you think about what you’re trying to do. Something tells me there’s more iron than satin in her backbone. If you don’t want to lose her, don’t want to loose what you have then you need to come clean with her.”
“But if she knew she wouldn’t…”
“You have to choose Kid. Do you take a chance that she’ll try to understand your fears, or do you want to lose her completely?”
“I haven’t seen you in ten years what makes you think I’d listen to your advice?” Kid asked as Lee rose to her feet.
Pausing beside her horse she looked at him. “Because you took the last piece of advice I gave you and left. You survived, and you’ve found love.”
“She wouldn’t accept me. None of them would.”
“That’s a risk you’re gonna have to take. From where I’m sitting you have no idea how lucky you are. Tell her.”
Kid listened as the bay trotted away. Could he risk losing Lou? If he didn’t come clean with her about his fears she was going to walk away from him. She couldn’t stand to be chained down…caged in and he knew he was guilty of that.
Glancing over his shoulder he sighed. Lee had more reason than anyone to hate him and yet she’d never blamed him. Not that night, not in the days that followed, not when she’d lost the baby that had been spawned by violence. Not even now when she was free of the expectations that came with back home. Maybe just maybe Lou would understand and forgive him his sins.
If he didn’t trust her with this he’d lose her and he couldn’t live with that possibility. He would put his future in her hands, and let her choose. Dusting his pants off he mounted up and headed for home.
Lou looked up from the porch where she sat fuming at Kid’s high handedness.
Hearing a rider she glanced up and watched Katy lope into the yard. Pushing
off from the steps she stomped toward him in full blown temper.
“Kid?” Lou snapped walk up behind him and standing next to Katy. Lou frowned when he didn’t respond. Instead he kept unsaddling Katy, a deep, pained look upon his face. “Kid? You okay?”
“Hmm?” Kid started and glanced to his right. “Oh hi Lou.”
“You alright? You seem a bit upset or something.”
Kid shrugged and tugged on the saddle. “I uh was just thinking.”
“’Bout what?”
“You. Me. Ghosts.”
“Kid what are you talking about?” Lou demanded as Kid turned Katy into the corral. “You’re startin’ to scare me.”
Kid shrugged slightly. “Let’s go for a walk.”
“Kid you just got back from a ride to clear your head. What makes you think walkin’ is gonna help you?”
“I figured we could talk.”
Lou glanced at the bunkhouse then shrugged. Kid obviously he wanted to get off his chest. “Alright.”
Sitting next to Kid on a log Lou stared out over the pond. “So what’s
on your mind?”
“You hate it that I worry don’t you?”
“No. I hate that you make such a big deal about it in front of the boys.”
“I got a good reason for worrying you know. I don’t doubt you.”
“Funny seems that way. I mean we both know I can do this job. I’ve been doing it just fine. There was never a problem till we started ridin’ double and then…”
“I realized just how much I stood to lose.” Kid whispered softly. “It hit me that if I lost you I’d never have anything else. The boys are great and I love ‘em like brothers but they ain’t my future. You are. Someday I want to marry you and have kids. You know build a life together.”
“That’s someday Kid. What’s that got to do with now?”
“If anyone found out that you were a girl on the run you could get hurt. Hurt bad and I wouldn’t be there for you. I couldn’t stand the thought of you getting hurt.”
“Hurt? What do you mean?”
Kid seemed to want to disappear. “You’re so small and a man would have no problem forcing himself on you. I don’t want that for you. I don’t want to have to remember that anymore. I just want to…”
“Whoa. Remember that anymore? What are you talking about Kid? You’re the only man I’ve ever ‘given’ myself to.”
Kid paled slightly and shook his head. “I couldn’t stop them Lou. I don’t want you to have to know what that’s like.”
“Stop who?” Lou whispered.
“Doesn’t matter who. She was my friend and the daughter of one of our neighbor’s ‘servants’.”
Lou frowned at the scorn dripping from the simple word. “Servant?”
“They were white but her momma worked for them. He’d paid for her or something. I don’t rightly know. Still she didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I tried to help her but it was too late.”
“Who was she?”
“Lee never blamed me. Said I helped her out no matter what I think.” Kid mused sadly. “I was nine, what could I do really? I helped her get cleaned up, get a new dress on, and took her back to her Momma. They never blamed me, not even when I sat with her and held her hand as she lost the baby. I couldn’t do that again Lou. Not if it was you.”
Staring into Kid’s blue eyes Lou suddenly realized what he meant. In his mind he was responsible for the girl’s attack. He’d been a boy but he blamed himself because she’d been his friend. “Kid I’m not that weak. I’m not a little girl anymore.”
Kid turned and stared at his feet. “Who was before me Lou?” he whispered.
Lou paled and shifted. “What do you mean?” She cursed the way her voice squeaked.
“You know what I mean. I ain’t stupid. I saw what happened when they hurt her. There should have been blood and there was none.”
Lou swallowed painfully. She never realized just how observant Kid was. For him to pick up on that made her wonder if he’d noticed other things. Like the way she flinched, or closed her eyes just before he slid into her body, especially the first few times they’d made love.
“Why? Does it make me dirty to you? Do you think less of me because you weren’t the absolute first?” Lou snarled using anger to hide fear.
Kid shook his head desperately. “No. You could never be dirty to me but I couldn’t protect you even from that. What makes me good enough to protect you now?”
“Kid that was years ago and I’ve learned from that experience. I’m not a little girl anymore. Besides, the only man I’ve ever wanted is you. You’re the only man I’ve ever given myself to willingly. The only man I will ever give myself to.” Leaning on him Lou pushed aside her anger. “Because you love me enough to try to protect me.”
Kid wrapped her in his arms and held on as the tears slid down his face. “But what if I’m not fast enough? What if something happens out there and I can’t…”
“You’d know. You’d help me through it Kid. Just like you did the first time at Redfern Station. You ask in your own way, you never take.”
“I tried Lou. I tried so hard but I still couldn’t help her. I’m just scared that I’m not going to be able to help you.”
Snuggling deeper into his embrace Lou sighed, “Hold me Kid. Hold me tight and don’t let go. That way I’ll feel you with me on my runs and that’ll keep me safe. Keep both of us safe.”
Staring at the water Lou shuddered. Kid carried a burden no man should have ever had to carry and she didn’t know how to help him with it. Knowing about it helped to ease her anger at his over protectiveness. She would try to be a tad more understanding the future when he got all antsy and restless before a run that was particularly dangerous.
Lou clung to Kid. “I’ll help you Kid.”
Listening to the sobs Lou blinked at the tears in her own eyes. They needed to let the wounds heal, and the only way to do that was to lean on each other.
Rachel stepped out onto the porch of the bunkhouse and glanced around. Dusk
had come and Kid and Lou were conspicuously absent. Katy and Lightening trotted
about in the corral so that meant they had to be somewhere.
Spotting two figures walking slowly toward them she sighed, “I think they’re coming.” She said as the boys joined her on the porch.
“Wonder what the hell happened?” Jimmy leaned on the support post. “Lou was ready to skin him.”
The boys shared a glance as Kid wrapped an arm around Lou’s shoulders as they walked around the corral. Their heads were bent together and neither looked over energetic.
“You don’t suppose they’ve been dancin’ do you?” Cody muttered eying them.
Rachel rolled her eyes, “I don’t think so Cody. Suppers over but I can fix a plate for you if you’re hungry.” Rachel offered seeing how tired Kid looked. He’d obviously been crying and so had Lou from the puffy eyes and red blotches on their faces whatever was going on was a deep, painful thing.
“No thank you.” Kid shook his head. “Not hungry.”
“Kid you need to eat.” Lou admonished softly.
“I’ll eat a big breakfast.” He promised and slipped past the boys.
“What’s eatin’ him?” Jimmy demanded as the door closed. “You two break up or something?”
“No.” Lou shook her head and sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Does it concern us at all?”
“No it does not.” Lou glared at Cody. “And even if it did it was a private conversation.”
“If it means we have to hide out in the barn while you’re throwing things at him it concerns us!” Cody replied.
Lou shook her head. “Just leave it alone Cody. You wouldn’t understand anyway.”
Watching Lou slip into the bunkhouse the boys listened to the sound of her undressing and crawling into her bunk.
“Something’s very wrong.”
“I know Buck but until they want to talk about it we can’t force them to.”
*I’ve never seen either of them like this. Wonder what happened in town.*
Rachel shooed the boys inside. “To bed with all of you. Tomorrow’ll be a new day and hopefully we can figure this out.”
Long after the boys had gone in and the night had settled around them Rachel sat staring out over the yard. She wondered if either of them would ever open up about what had happened out there. Something deep inside told her they wouldn’t – and she didn’t know if she really wanted them to.
The End.