Chapter Sixteen

Priscilla felt Jimmy’s eyes on her again.  When Jimmy first watched her like that, like he needed her to breathe, her heart had stopped. But as the time went on she found herself disappointed when he was not looking at her.  She was positively giddy, she thought,  feeling somewhat surprised.  He barely even kissed her in the barn and her body reacted now with a single look. She had thought she was the one in control, but she realized now, she was completely out of control.  Anything she knew or had learned about men before didn’t seem to matter.  She was jittery, happy and every single nerve ending was pulsating.  Because of him!

As she turned from the kitchen sink she found her breath caught in her throat as she saw him looking at her once again.  It had been a very long time since anyone looked at her like that and even longer since she had felt desire for a man.

“You about done?” Ester asked her.  Priscilla was washing the dinner plates.  Martin had all ready retired for the night. 

“Um, yeah.” Priscilla tried desperately to form a coherent sentence.

“Well then I’m turning in,” Ester announced.  She patted Priscilla on the arm after rising from the small kitchen table she and Jimmy had been sitting at.  “Thank you, dear,” she murmured.  Calling out her goodnight’s she left the kitchen.

“Do you want me to dry?” Jimmy asked, also rising from the table.  He stood beside her at the kitchen sink.

“No,” she replied quietly.  “I’m finished in here.”

“Good,” he said.  “’Cause I have been waiting all evening to do this.”  He took the last plate she held in her hands and set it on the counter and then he held her hands in his and kissed her. This time they were not interrupted.  Priscilla wrapped her arms around him as he deepened their kiss.  Jimmy’s kisses made her forget everything.  She felt her knees grow weak and her heart start to pound. She was not really aware of anything but the longings inside her. 

Before she realized it, they were in the small bedroom they shared last night.  Jimmy was on top of her, unbuttoning the buttons of the blouse Ester had loaned her. 

Then suddenly Jimmy ripped himself away from, leaping off the bed.  “Sorry,” he said, his breath coming quickly.

Priscilla could only stare at him as she propped herself on her elbows. 

“I don’t mean to be so forward,” he continued.  He leaned back against the wall, giving all appearances of being relaxed and casual.  Except for the color in his cheeks.  He was just as hot and bothered as she was, Priscilla realized.

Jimmy gave her a sheepish smile.  “I just can’t seem to help myself.”

“It’s okay,” Priscilla began.

“It’s not okay, I can’t do this to you,” Jimmy told her firmly.

“It’s okay if you haven’t done this before,” Priscilla told him quietly.  She kept her gaze steady.  She was taking a risk here, but for the first time in a very long time she wanted a man and she was pretty sure it was for the right reasons.

“What the hell does that mean?”  Jimmy sputtered.  “I know what I’m doing.”  He stopped and stared at her as the meaning behind her words hit him. 

“So do I,” Priscilla whispered.  When Jimmy remained against the wall, his eyes still fixed on her she looked down. 

“But that matters to you,” she continued, her voice still quiet.  A small pang sprung up inside her.  Her mistake would cost her, she knew that.  She just forgot.  Men cared about this thing.  It made her angry most of the time, this ridiculous double standard.  Men were supposed to be experienced.  But women, heaven forbid they had any experience.  They were to be innocents until the day they married.  She was wrong the first time with Kevin.  She should have slept with him. But she did not and Kevin had died without her ever knowing how it felt to make love to him.  So she slept with his brother, Sean. 

This was part of the reason she was so angry most of the time.  People could be such hypocrites.  Her father and Kevin’s parents had scolded them every time they had been caught kissing.  But when they found out about Sean, that relationship was okay. They could get married. 

Right now that double standard did more than make her angry, it hurt her.  She gave him a weak smile.  “I’ll sleep on the couch.  I’ll tell them you were snoring too loud or something.”  She slid toward the edge of the bed.  Don’t cry now, she told herself.  Just make it outside the room.

“Wait.”  Jimmy caught her by the arm. 

“You want a virtuous woman, I get that.”  She tried to shake her arm free but she was not able to.  “It’s not anything to worry about.  I owed you,” she added bitterly.

“First of all,” Jimmy told her angrily, “I don’t think virginal means virtuous.  Second, I don’t want this to be about you owing me.”

“What should it be about?” Priscilla asked carefully. She too had never equated virginal and virtuous, but she was one of the few who thought like that.

“Loving someone, wanting someone so bad you make a fool of yourself.”  Priscilla smiled and Jimmy stopped suddenly, looking acutely embarrassed, as if he had revealed more than he wanted to.

“Have you made a fool of yourself?” Priscilla asked lifting one eyebrow up, finding his statement to be immensely endearing.  She was not going to touch the first statement.  Love?  Love at first sight?  Did that really happen? 

Jimmy scowled at her.  “I want you,” he told after a long while. “I want you so much.  But . . .” His words trailed off.

 “But?”  Priscilla asked.

“Do you want me?” he asked quietly. “Me, Jimmy Hickok, not Wild Bill.”

Priscilla looked at him in surprise.  “What?”  Here she was offering herself to him and he asks that?

“I don’t want you to pay me back that way,” Jimmy told her firmly.  “I don’t want to be part of some hero fantasy either. Or be caught up in some scheme and I find out later you were using the name Wild Bill for your own purposes.” 

Priscilla regarded him carefully.  “It wasn’t all about owing you,” she said. She was happy that Jimmy did not want this (if this happened) to be about payment.  He wanted more, right?  She was sure his words meant just that. She had to be very honest here.  She was so close to being able to talk to the man she slept with.  “I said that to salvage my pride.  But what do you mean own purposes?”  Did he think she had some ulterior motive for sleeping with him?

“I just meant we don’t really know each other.”  He gave her a sad smile.  “I’ve jumped into a relationship before and been burned badly.”

She raised a hand and touched his chest.  “I know I am being awfully forward and you are right, we scarcely know each other.  But,” her voice dropped.  “I feel like I know you.  We have been through so much together in such a short time.  I feel like I can count on you.”  She gave him a small smile.  “It’s like you said at the dance ‘He who hesitates is a damned fool’.  I hesitated once before.”  She swallowed the sob that threatened to escape from her lips.  “And I regret my decision to wait every single day.  Because of that regret I became someone else.  I became more bitter.  I kept myself away from people.  I stopped taking chances.  I’m just so tired of behaving in certain ways because it’s expected of me.

“I like you, I want to take this chance with you, but maybe you want to wait,” Priscilla continued in a hushed tone, dropping her gaze to the bed.  But her eyes soon snapped upward when she heard Jimmy let out a short laugh. 

“I know I am a difficult person,” she told him, her voice shaking.  Maybe he had come for her out of sheer guilt.  Maybe he just did not want to hurt her feelings. Here she was throwing herself at him.  How did a man back out of this politely?  How was he supposed to let her down easy?  “I know you escorted me to the dance to help William.”

“And I told you that I wanted to take you to the dance. Cody didn’t have anything to do with it.”

“Because I pushed my sister in the water,” Priscilla smiled, remembering what he had said oh so long ago.

“Why’d you want to go with me?” Jimmy asked, his voice completely serious.  Priscilla looked at him in surprise.  How did he know she wanted to go to the dance with him?  She smiled inwardly realizing that her housecoat was not a very good indicator of her reluctance to attend the dance especially when she had her good shoes on. 

“I’m considered pretty difficult myself,” he continued. 

“I saw you, at that Founder’s Day race.” She smiled.  “You looked so funny hanging from that sign.”  She looked at him again. “And handsome.”   Jimmy was still studying her intently as she spoke.  “I also heard you were almost hung for shooting another man’s wife.”

“I didn’t shoot-”

“I know,” Priscilla said quickly.  “William told us.  One of his many stories.”  She smoothed the bed sheet with her hands.  “All of William’s stories were good.  And every time he told one, I wanted to know what happened to you most of all.” She looked at Jimmy again.  “And then I heard you wanted to take me to the dance.  Well, sort of wanted -”

Jimmy moved to the bed and sat down.  “No,” he insisted, “I wanted to take you.”  He put his hands on her cheeks.  “I saw you in town too.  I heard stories from Cody too.”

“And you didn’t get scared off?”  She held herself still. The next move was all his. 

“Hell, no,” Jimmy laughed.  He pulled her close.  “You asked me earlier what this should be about.  You said you liked me.  I meant what I said in the barn.  I like you too.  And I want you.  I just wanted to make sure you wanted me.  Not Wild Bill.  Not some guy who saved you. But me.”

“I want you,” Priscilla said, her heart was pounding so hard she knew he could feel it.  

Jimmy placed a hand over her thumping chest.  “Difficult people should stick together,” he told her before he kissed her. 

Chapter Seventeen

Jimmy reached down and smoothed a lock of Priscilla’s hair from her eyes and ran his hand down her damp body.  They had been making love to each other all night.   They would make love, talk a bit and then one look, one word, even a gesture, would send them both flying toward each other. 

They were both exhausted and sated at the moment. 

“What are you thinking?” Priscilla said, her hand running down his chest.

“That I could jump in Martin’s horse trough again,” Jimmy grinned.  He looked at her; her smile did not quite reach her eyes.  “What are you thinking about?”

“Kevin,” she replied, her eyes filling with tears. She quickly dashed them away.  “Sorry.”  She turned to him and gave him an overly bright smile.

“I thought you always said what was on your mind,” Jimmy chided her gently.  “Who is Kevin?”

“Kevin O’Brian.  He was a family friend.  Until the day he kissed me and then he became my beau.”  Priscilla smiled sadly, a faraway look on her face. 

Jimmy studied her, she was not here with him, she was someplace else, someplace that made her unhappy.  “You have a beau?” he asked quietly, unable to stop the feeling of betrayal that rose up inside him. 

“Oh, no.  Not any more,” Priscilla said quickly. 

“But you are thinking about him when you are with me?” Jimmy persisted.

“Yes, I mean no.  Not like that.  Kevin is dead.”  Priscilla’s voice was filled with sorrow.  She looked at her hands. 

“I’m sorry,” Jimmy said gently.  “You want to tell him about him?” he asked.  He brushed a lock of hair from her face.  Something about the way Priscilla avoided looking directly at him made him realize there was more to this story than what she going to tell him.  But he had to try to find out anyway.  She brought out feelings in him that he had buried away ever since Sarah Downs was taken off to jail.  “Can I ask you what happened to Kevin?” he asked. 

“He died.”

“Can I ask you how?”  He knew he was prying.  But this was clearly something Priscilla thought about, a lot.  Maybe talking about it would help.  It would certainly help him understand her. 

Priscilla sighed.  “He joined the army.  Then he died in some training session.  A training session,” she exclaimed.  “What kind of training session gets brand new soldiers killed?  Obviously they weren’t trained enough.” 

Suddenly she sat up and hit the pillow.  “He didn’t have to join up, the stupid ass!”  She spat out the words.  “But oh no, we couldn’t marry unless he had a career.  We had to be financially set.  Sean, his brother,” she continued, her voice growing calmer, “was going to inherit the ranch.  Kevin was getting nothing.  I told him I didn’t care.  We’d make a life together.  I could work, he could work and we’d buy our own place.  But he wouldn’t listen to me.  He was so prideful.”  She paused, collecting her thoughts. 

Jimmy held himself still, waiting.

“I tried to seduce him before he left.  Maybe he wouldn’t leave if we were really together,” she whispered.  “But I was so clumsy, he laughed at me.” 

“He laughed?” Jimmy said in surprise.  Hell, a pretty girl wanting to sleep with you was not something he would ever laugh at.

“I just wanted to be with him,” Priscilla said softly.  “But he told me to wait, he’d be back and he’d have a career and enough money for us to settle down anyplace we chose.  We’d get married once he came back and I’d be happy then that we waited.  But he died.”  Priscilla broke down, unable to stop the tears. 

Jimmy pulled her close.  “I’m sorry, so sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Why are you sorry? Asking about him doesn’t make it worse.  This is what is inside me,” Priscilla half shouted.  “This is what I am like inside every single day. A hateful shrew!”

Jimmy tried to tighten his arms around her, but she pushed him away.  “He didn’t need to die.”

“No,” Jimmy agreed, “he didn’t.”

“I hate him!” Priscilla cried.  “I hate him.”  The tears started anew.  And when Jimmy put his arms around her this time, she let him.

“You don’t hate him,” Jimmy told her.

“I hate him,” Priscilla insisted but her words were not as emphatic as they had been.

“Maybe you hate him for leaving.  But not for anything else,” Jimmy offered, hating to hear the pain in her voice.  He wanted nothing more than to take away her pain.

“Maybe,” Priscilla agreed reluctantly.  “The army sent a letter home. Sean was the one who told me.  I don’t know how it happened but we ended up together in our barn.  And the next time we saw each other was before the funeral. We were sent to get some of Kevin’s things.  His mother wanted Kevin to have his favorite book with him and his baby blanket.  So we went to his room, we starting going through his things, we started taking each other’s clothes off.”

“It was grief,” Jimmy said softly.

“It was,” Priscilla agreed.  “We were the two people who loved Kevin best. He adored Kevin, almost as much as I did.  His own parents sure never made him feel like he was worthy of their attention,” she added bitterly.  “Sean was the apple of his parents’ eyes.  Kevin was the second born, the one who made mistakes, the one who never measured up to Sean.  Sean who could do no wrong. Sean the Casanova of Sweetwater.  He was no damned saint.”  She looked at Jimmy again.  “He taught me everything I know.”

“How long did your affair last?” Jimmy asked, mildly surprised.  He had thought it was a one maybe two-time thing.

“A month or so,” Priscilla replied tiredly.  “Then his mother caught us.  And everyone started planning the wedding.  It got ugly for a while,” she added a note of anguish creeping in to her voice.  “My father was angry at his father, his mother was just so hopeful of us having a child and naming him Kevin.   And Sean and I were at each other’s throats.  I blamed him for everything including Kevin dying and he told me I drove Kevin away with all my talk about marriage.”  She sighed.  “It all stopped soon enough, after Sean and I shouted at them a half a dozen times, that we were not in love, that we would not get married, that we could make our own decisions.”

She shook her head.  “That was over a year ago.  Sean is still here, still the town Casanova.  His parents treat me like a casual acquaintance.  And I have become the town shrew.”

She fell back against the pillow, exhausted.  “I just want to be who I used to be, I want to be happy again.”

“Can I help you in that?” Jimmy asked quietly.

Priscilla wrapped her arms around him.  “You already have.  I never cared about Sean.  I just missed Kevin.  You I care about,” she added with a mischievous smile. 

“The feeling is mutual,” Jimmy told her, glad to see her eyes brighten.