All That I Can Do

by Ellie

Seated out on the way station porch, Jimmy, Buck and Teaspoon glanced up as Kid rode up and handed the mailbag off to Cody, then dismounted, walking toward them awkwardly holding his arm. “You okay, Kid?” called Rachel, who was passing by with a basket of clean clothes from the line.

Kid grimaced a little. “I’ve been better, Rachel,” he mumbled. They all noticed at the same time; there was an arrow broken off but still stuck in Kid’s upper arm.

“My God, Kid, what happened?” Rachel exclaimed, setting down her basket as they clustered around him.

“Ran into some renegade Indians,” Kid managed, as Buck bent to examine the wound. “I broke off the end of the arrow after I got away, but the tip is still stuck in there. I had a close call.”

“I’d say so,” said Rachel, going into the house to get her bandages and other supplies. Buck carefully worked the arrow out as Kid winced slightly. Rachel returned and bandaged the wound.

Kid looked up. “I hope Ike ain’t in any trouble, running into that,” he said, worried.

The rest looked at each other awkwardly. Kid looked confused. “What is it? Is somethin’ wrong with Ike?”

Just as he spoke, Ike came up the steps, pale and sick looking. “Well, guess that answers your question, Kid,” Jimmy said reluctantly. “Ike took a little sick this morning and - - ”

Kid jumped up, alarmed. “And who took his ride for him? Answer me, damn it - -”

Rachel spoke quietly. “Lou was up after Ike, Kid, and she took the ride for him.”

Kid stared at her for a moment and then jerked away, rushing off the porch and toward the barn for a fresh mount. “Kid, there ain’t no cause for you to go rushing back out there,” Teaspoon tried to reason with the young man as he caught Kid’s horse by the bridle. He gestured toward Jimmy. “I got Jimmy ridin’ a special run for me in that direction. He can keep an eye out for Lou.”

Kid shook his head. “Teaspoon, you don’t understand. It’s too dangerous for anybody to be ridin’ out that direction now. Give me whatever Jimmy’s carryin’ and I’ll deliver it. But I have to go and make sure she didn’t run right into that bunch of outlaw Indians.”

“Kid, you know if she did, there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it now,” Teaspoon said, softly, still holding the horse by its bridle. “You’ll be riding off exhausted into danger yourself. I’ll send Jimmy and Buck on this run in case there’s any trouble with these braves you ran into, but you stay here.”

“I can’t, Teaspoon,” Kid said finally. “I can’t.”

Teaspoon sighed. “No, I reckon you can’t. Go on, then,” he said, resignedly.

Jimmy snorted with disgust as he swung on to his horse and took a packet of letters from Teaspoon, stuffing them into his mochila. “Teaspoon, why are you humoring Kid? You know if he outran those Indians, Lou probably did too. She’s every bit as good a horseman as he is. It’s a waste of time and a horse to send him back out there, you know that.”

“Maybe so, Jimmy, but he has some time off and I can’t tell him how to spend it. And it won’t hurt to have an extra gun on this delivery if y’all run into trouble. So Buck, Kid, you ride along with Jimmy,” Teaspoon decided.

Jimmy shook his head in disbelief, and the three rode off.

“Kid, we’d better slow down some, these horses can’t keep this pace up without a rest,” Jimmy shouted.

Slowing down, Kid still looked as worried as he had several hours ago. “This is where those Indians almost ran me down,” he said, nervously.

“Kid, you know by now they ain’t nowhere near here,” Jimmy said wearily. “Lou ain’t going to like it when she hears you took this long ride to check up on her. She can handle herself as well as you can, she don’t need a nursemaid. Especially since you gave up what little right you had to pester her when you broke up with her.”

Kid, too tired for much argument, muttered, “Thanks, Jimmy, but I don’t need your advice about what Lou is or isn’t going to like. I know better’n you she’ll be furious.”

“Then why in the Sam Hill do you keep doin’ exactly what makes her maddest?” Jimmy asked derisively. “You just a slow learner?”

The sun was starting to set as Kid glanced down at his reins a moment before answering. “Jimmy, I can’t expect you to understand this. You never were in love with her.”

Jimmy looked up in the air in despair. “Kid, if you loved her like you say, then you’d respect her wishes and let her be herself, not treat her like some china doll just because she’s a woman,” he said forcefully.

Kid shook his head seriously. “No, Jimmy. That’s what I did when she was just a friend. Don’t forget, I knew before any of y’all that she was a woman. When she was just a friend, nothin’ more, I felt just like you do now. In fact, I told her she had the right to make her own way if she wanted, and I wouldn’t tell on her. Back then, I meant what I said. It was different for me later, after- - ”

“After what?” Jimmy interrupted. “After you marked your territory? You think because she went to bed with you that you owned her, could start telling her what to do?”

“Not exactly.”

“Not exactly, huh? How do you ‘not exactly’ own somebody?” Jimmy snorted.

Kid smiled grimly. “Don’t know why I’m even talkin’ about this with you, to tell the truth.” After a pause, he continued, as if by talking to Jimmy about it he was making sense of it himself. “After we started sleeping together, I felt like I was responsible for her, like she was my wife, in everything but name. But that wasn’t when I started wantin’ to protect her so much. That started as soon as I fell for her.”

He looked over at Jimmy. “If you ever fall in love with somebody, Jimmy, really fall, I think you might look back and understand this.” Looking ahead as they kept on riding in the twilight, he continued, “When you really love somebody, you want to keep her out of danger more than you want to keep on her good side. Oh, I know she’ll be mad as a wet hen when she finds out I’ve ridden out after her. But I don’t care. It’s more important for her to be safe, than anything. I know I lost her on account of trying too hard to keep her safe, but I couldn’t change anything I did. I couldn’t let her put herself in danger just so’s she wouldn’t be mad at me. I love her more than that.”

Jimmy shook his head, noting that Kid had slipped and said “love”, not “loved.” But then anybody with eyes in their head could see the young Southerner had never fallen out of love with Lou. “I see what you’re saying, Kid, but the problem is you just don’t understand Lou, much as you loved her. No matter what you said or did, she was going to do what she set out to. All you were doing was driving her away, not protecting her from anything.”

Kid nodded sadly. Jimmy, pitying the younger man, added one final thought. “I know you meant well, Kid. But all I’m saying is that maybe walkin’ away from her wasn’t the answer. Stickin’ by her, and lettin’ her be who she is, might’ve been a better idea. After all,” he said, chuckling, “she wouldn’t be the girl you fell for if she wasn’t headstrong and brave and a little crazy, now would she? She’d just be like everybody else, not special like she is.”

Kid smiled in spite of himself. “I guess so, Jimmy. Funny how all the things that made me fall for her in the first place ended up such a problem.” His tone grew thoughtful, quiet. “I admired her so much when we first met . . . knew I could count on her in any fight. Still feel that way. But later all my worryin’ about the trouble she could get herself into being so independent, got to be too much for her. And you’re wrong. I knew there was no point to what I was tryin’ to do. I knew she wouldn’t ever listen to me … and that she saw me as just nagging and smothering her.” His smile had faded. “I let her go rather than end up with us hatin’ each other. That’s the one thing I couldn’ta lived with. At least we’re still friends, that’s something at least. But I think, some day, we’ll work through this and find our way back together.”

Riding on ahead, Buck shouted back, interrupting Jimmy’s answer. “Kid, Jimmy, I found something, get over here.”

The two men spurred their horses faster and caught up with Buck. He pulled back some brush and pointed, wordlessly, toward where Lightning lay, killed by multiple arrows.

Kid and Jimmy dismounted quickly and joined Buck by the road. In the full moonlight, Buck could make out some signs of what might have happened, and Jimmy and Kid stood by, panic in their hearts.

“They dragged her off the road, here,” Buck concluded, carefully examining some matted-down grass. “This is blood and …” he looked up pityingly at Kid. Standing up, Buck moved through the grass. “Looks like she musta crawled off this way, she can’t have gotten far,” he said. As Kid rushed forward, Buck restrained him. “Kid, let me follow the trail, if you go crashing around in here it will only take longer. Jimmy, keep him here,” he said, and Jimmy held a frantic Kid back as Buck headed into the tall grass.

Moments later, an ashen Buck reappeared, carrying a small, still form in his arms. “Kid,” he said hoarsely. “I’m … I’m sorry.”

Kid and Jimmy stared, horror-stricken, at the lifeless body. Buck had a mochila draped over his arm. “She tried to save it,” Buck said wonderingly.

Kid stepped forward and took the little corpse from Buck, dropping to the ground. They all grimaced at the sight; her face was soaked in blood, and her scalp had been cut along her brow and yanked off. No doubt it now was tied to an outlaw Pauite’s belt. Jimmy approached with a canteen and his bedroll, and Kid carefully wiped the blood from her strangely peaceful face before wrapping her in the blanket. He worked feverishly, and the two other men stood by awkwardly watching.

Kid looked like a man in a nightmare who wants to wake up, but knows he never can. Buck’s and Jimmy’s hearts ached with grief for their dead friend, and pity for the one left behind.

He couldn’t even have the comfort of believing she went quickly and without too much pain . . . no, she had died in torment, knowing she was about to die.

Looking back down at her, Kid saw that death seemed to have brought some measure of peace to her face. He kept staring at her, hoping it was true, that she was at peace wherever her soul now was. Kid talked to her softly, stroking her lifeless face, “I tried so hard to protect you from yourself … not just let you do whatever you wanted because I didn’t want you mad at me... look where that got us, after all the heartbreak and fightin’. But I guess if you’da listened . . . you wouldn’ta been the girl I love, would you?”

Kid slipped his arms under Lou’s shoulders. “And I’m too late to protect you ever again . . . too late to do anything for you again,” he whispered, brokenly. He rocked the little body in his arms for several minutes.

Something seemed to occur to Kid suddenly. He laid Lou down gently and opened her torn, blood-stained jacket, searching her pockets.

“What the hell are you doing, Kid,” Jimmy managed to choke out through his own suppressed tears.

“Looking for her will; she always carried it with her,” Kid said grimly. “There’s some things in there I need.”

Jimmy went into a rage, grabbing Kid. “The hell you do,” he snarled, ripping his Colt from his holster and jamming it into Kid’s side. “First thing you think of is what little money she managed to save? Her body’s barely cold - - ”

Buck intervened, “For pity’s sake, the two of you, stop fighting, have some respect!”

Kid snapped open the handwritten document, glancing at it briefly. “It ain’t your business, Jimmy, but I’m named guardian for Theresa and Jeremiah in this will. I agreed to it a while back, and when she asked me if I’d changed my mind after we broke up, I told her I’d still do it. I’ll need this for the orphanage. She left all her money to them in trust for me to manage until they grow up. Soon as I take care of Lou, I’m going there to get her brother and sister, and take care of them for her. That’s all I can do for her now, make sure that dream of them havin’ a family doesn’t die with her. She was so close to making it come true for herself,” he grieved.

Kid turned to Lou, shoving the will into his pocket and gathering her up in his arms again, standing to carry her to his horse. “I’d forgotten how light she feels,” he said, wonderingly. His mind flashed to the thought of this fragile little person under brutal attack. Of her painful, lonely death. His face crumpled into inconsolable grief for a few more seconds, and he buried his face in her shoulder.

“Kid,” Buck said quietly. “There was something back there you should see.” Jimmy looked up at Buck quizzically, as Kid continued rocking back and forth with her in his arms, as if not hearing. “Kid,” Buck insisted, standing next to his friend. “She tried to leave a message. You should go back and try to figure out what her last thoughts were. I couldn’t make it out in this half-light.”

Kid wearily carried Lou after Buck, holding her face against his neck, and the three men returned to where Buck had found Lou. Buck pointed. “Her hand was up there on that rock,” he explained. The three stared at the flat surface of a large rock. In her own blood, she had scrawled a series of nearly illegible letters. Jimmy pulled the rock forward and tilted it upwards in the moonlight. The three stood silently puzzling over the letters; a large K was easy to make out but the rest was smeared and shakily written.

Kid shook his head. “What was she trying to say?” he whispered brokenly, clutching her little form closer.

Jimmy bent over the words, holding a torch he’d lit close by. “I think it says she loves you, Kid,” he said, his voice kinder now. He pointed to fragments of letters that were visible. “See here and here, looks like she was trying to write ‘tell Kid I love him’”.

Kid looked briefly at the letters another moment, nodding. Walking away, he whispered into her ear low, so no one could hear him, “I know you did. I’m sorry … sorry I couldn’t wait for you to be ready … sorry I threw away our last weeks together.”

Kid refused, insisting, “She needs me to keep going, for her brother and sister. She needs me to do that for her. That’s all that I can do for you now,” he mumbled in her direction. “I won’t let you down, I promise. Never again.”

“Dad?” Theresa called. The tall, pretty young woman walked through the house, searching. “Maria?”

The middle-aged housekeeper came out smiling from the kitchen. “Where’s Dad?” Theresa asked.

“School out already?” Maria questioned.

“Yes. Rachel and I dismissed class early today, since it’s the last day, and I wanted to talk to my father.”

Maria smiled, a little sadly. “He’s where he always is this time of day, right before you come home from teaching. He never said anything to you about that?”

Theresa shook her head quizzically. “Where does he go every day?”

“He’s at her grave. He visits her every day, but today he wanted to put out some new rose plants on it for her, so he’s running a little late getting back.”

Theresa felt a catch in her throat. “Dad,” as she had started calling Kid several months after he arrived at the orphanage to take her and Jeremiah home, had never gotten over her sister’s death, and never seemed to notice the admiring single women in town who often angled for his attention. But she had never realized that he was still so devoted to visiting Louise’s grave on the corner of the property every day. “Thanks, Maria,” she said softly, turning out the back door. She slowly wound her way toward the little fenced-in plot where her sister’s body lay.

Kid had planted birch trees all around the little plot near a brook, and now they were strong and established. Theresa leaned against one and watched the young man who had been a father to her, even though he was really only ten years older than she was. He had finished planting the rosebushes at the little gate to the plot and was sitting with his back toward Theresa, speaking in a low voice toward the headstone. She couldn’t catch his words, but the tears stung her eyes at the sight. She wished with all her soul that Kid’s heart were not buried in that grave with her sister as it was. She knew Louise would never have wanted Kid, still a young man, to continue to grieve so. She took a deep breath and wiped the tears away, calling out to him as she headed toward the plot.

Kid jumped up and smiled at his ‘little girl’. He was more of a big brother to Jeremiah, but felt that he had been a true father to Theresa, who had been only eight when he took her in. “Home already?” he remarked.

“Yes. We let them off the hook for the summer a little early. I wanted to talk to you about Jason coming over tonight. I already mentioned it to Maria this morning.”

“She told me. That’s no problem, of course. He seems like a nice enough young fellow.”

Theresa smothered a smile. Jason was only six years younger than Kid; but her Dad spoke as if he were an old man himself. She supposed raising two children alone might have that effect. “Well, it’s not going to just be a dinner. Jason is going to ask you for your blessing… we hope to be married this summer.”

Kid looked a little surprised. “But … but you’re just a little girl, Theresa. Are you sure he’s the one?”

“Dad, I’m almost the same age you were when you came and got me from the orphanage, for Heaven’s sake!”

He grinned a little. “Is that right?”

“Yes, it is.”

He put his arm around her shoulders. “Well, in my eyes you’ll always be my little girl.”

Theresa’s eyes misted over. “I feel the same. I can never thank you enough for giving me and Jeremiah a real home all these years.”

Kid shook his head. “It’s me who should thank you two. You gave me a reason to go on after . . ..” He turned his head a little toward the grave.

After a moment, he changed the subject. “I never told you this, but there’s some money in trust for you, your sister saved it while she was working at the express. I’ve had it invested and it’s a nice amount now. I wanted to wait until you were twenty-one, but maybe you should have yours when you turn eighteen, to help you get a good start with Jason. Just don’t think you’re spendin’ it on the wedding. I’ll take care of that for you, okay?”

“But Dad, you’ve done so much for me already, I can’t let you spend any money on a wedding for me,” Theresa objected.

“Don’t argue, little girl. It’s settled,” he said, teasingly using the same words and tone he used to when he had to discipline her as a child. They shared a laugh at the memories, and fell silent for a moment.

“I’ll miss you when you go, though. The house will seem pretty empty now that Jeremiah and you will both be gone.”

Theresa nodded, plucking at his sleeve. “Well, Jeremiah’s house is right nearby and Jason and I won’t be far. We’ll all still see each other, I promise.”

“I know,” he said, smiling.

She bit her lip, then brought the subject up. “But Dad, don’t you think you might want to find somebody of your own, so you won’t have to live all alone? Maybe you could start courting one of the women in town? There’s Eliza Parker, she’s very pretty and nice, and she has had her eye on you for a while.”

He laughed. “You’re quite the little matchmaker, aren’t you? I don’t know, Tessa. She’s nice enough, but she’s not my type.”

“Well, somebody else then. Somebody in town must be your type,” she said, getting exasperated.

Kid looked down. “I know what you’re saying, Tessa. You aren’t the first one. Cody, Jimmy, Rachel, all my friends have said it before you. But your sister was one of a kind. Nobody could take her place in my heart. And no woman deserves to be second best her whole life. It wouldn’t be right.”

“But how do you know unless you take a chance whether or not- - ”

He interrupted. “I know, Tessa. I tried once when Lou and I were broken up … and after she died, I even tried a few times … I knew Lou would want me to find somebody else if I could. It was pointless.” He chuckled. “Your sister ruined me for other women,” he joked.

At her dubious face, he turned serious. “Don’t feel too sorry for me, okay? I’m actually lucky to have had those kind of feelings, even if it was only for a short time.” He smiled wryly. “Look at some of the married folks you see. Barely tolerating each other … and a lot of them never are lucky enough to have what Lou and I did, the few months we loved each other.”

Theresa sighed, shaking her head. I’ll have to work on him, she thought determinedly. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “Well, I’d better help Maria get ready for tonight. You’ll go easy on Jason when he asks you, won’t you?”

“I suppose I will,” Kid smiled. “If you’re sure, that’s all that matters.”

“I am,” Theresa answered, happily. She turned and waved goodbye and headed back to the house. Kid watched her go, thinking how quickly the time had gone since he took her in, and how wonderfully she had turned out.

It hadn’t always been easy being both father and mother to two children he hardly knew at first. But since then, what had started as something he did only as a way to keep Lou’s memory and dreams alive, had turned into something much more. He felt he had more than his reward as he watched the lovely young girl he had raised, now starting out on her own life. What he set out to do for Lou was completed and a success in its own right. He looked back at the grave a moment. “She’s like you would have been if you had lived,” he murmured proudly. “I made your dream come true, Lou. And that’s all I could ever have asked to do in life.” He picked up his gardening tools and followed his daughter into the house.

THE END

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